Online Parent Support Chat

24.5.07

Mom's Full of Doubt & Guilt

Mark,

Sorry to bother you again. It's much worse, seems to be at a new crisis level.

>>>>>>>>> You’re not bothering me.

As I guessed, she got on the computer anyway. I snooped again, and found out that she and the boyfriend were planning on skipping school (he gets out early, so technically she would be the only one skipping), going to his house, and having sex.

I know when he gets out of school. So I went to the school parking lot and saw his car. When he came out with others (she wasn't with them) I took down the license plates. At the time I was thinking that, if she's determined to skip with him, they might get one of his friends to pick her up. They saw me, and since I thought I had nothing to lose, I followed the boyfriend to one of the other's houses, thinking that if the boyfriend's mother was home, maybe there were other places they might go.

I see now that I overreacted.

>>>>>>>>> There you go doubting yourself again.

However, I was justified in what I did next. I waited by the school during her lunch period to see if she would try to leave. I did see her outside with her friends, but she didn't leave. She did use her cell phone, so maybe she was calling the boyfriend to tell him not to come get her.

She sent me a few nasty text messages, but after school she was in an OK mood. I told her "it must be hard being you, you're torn between wanting to do the right thing and wanting the excitement of sex and drinking" (she didn't respond).

>>>>>>>>>An excellent example of validation.

Maybe on some level she wanted to be stopped.

>>>>>>>>>I think so.

But when she found out from her friends that I took their license plates, she went ballistic. She said these friends are going to the office and maybe the police on me, because I had no reason to do that. One of them wanted to talk to me, and I told him that I did it because I thought she and the bf might skip, but she didn't, so I wasn't even going to keep the numbers. She says they are looking at stalking charges on me (I looked up
the code though, and although what I did was wrong, it doesn't qualify as stalking).

>>>>>>>>> This doesn’t even come close to stalking. What a joke! You did nothing wrong here.

She yelled and cried and seemed overtly suicidal. Says she is an empty shell, that she cannot put back the pieces, that her coping mechanisms are gone.

>>>>>>>>>What a great performance (or should I say ‘temper tantrum’). Please stop falling for these manipulations.


So I called the counselor we've been seeing because I'm afraid the threat is genuine (and there is a history of bipolar on her father's side, depression on mine).

>>>>>>>>>You just provided intensity while things were going wrong. She got a pay off for her temper tantrum.

She did not want to talk to her at first, but did talk calmly. I eavesdropped and she also told the counselor that she cannot live here with me, and that she will have nothing to do with me when she turned 18, that I destroyed our relationship. She says she cannot live here any more. However, she will talk to her grandmother, and now grandma is closer
to the same page, especially re: the internet.

>>>>>>>>>I would be surprised if she did NOT make you out to be the ‘bad guy’ to the counselor. I hope the counseling is not falling for this too.

The counselor said the same thing you said, keep an eye on her, but if she seems to have a plan for suicide, call 911. (She called me back at 11 pm, because that's when the crisis hit). Also said that what the friends are saying is all smoke and mirrors, her gut instinct is that they won't do anything.

I also found out (eblaster again) that she lies, or at least exaggerates, to her friends, too. She told them that I punish her for everything (that may be her perception) and get this, that 5 minutes online for too long and she's grounded for 3 days.

She also said that she is looking for a friend to stay with to "ride out the storm" here. I'd have no problem if it's someone who we've known a while, and whose family i know, but these are her new, older friends who I haven't met.

She also told one of them that when they go to the school office, not to give them a number to contact me, because then I will say something about prom night and get them in trouble (of course, the school already has my number). The bf said to her "we can get her (meaning me) worse than she will ever know."

BTW, I've been calling him the boyfriend, but they had broken up, then were going to be friends/ big brother little sister/ "fuck buddies".

And she's making plans to go to another male "friend’s” house on Friday. I told her no way.

No matter what I did, and how awful it was, she did stay on the internet until 2 am, and she smacked me a few times, so I think she should be grounded for 3 days.

>>>>>>>>> At this point, you really should warn her that you will file a battery charge if she ever smacks again (personally, I would have filed one immediately if it were my daughter).

The change in her has been so sudden. Just a few months ago, she was fine.

I do have the JROTC commander on my side. He thinks a lot of her (she can be perfect when she is not at home, and got many awards this year) and thinks she could do better, too. She would be furious if she knew I contacted him, but he will keep our communication confidential.

I know I've been overreacting. Now I am afraid that my relationship with my daughter is permanently damaged.

>>>>>>>>>There you go doubting yourself again.

She suspects that I got in her myspace. Should I admit that I had (she changed the password and won't know that I can still see what she's doing there) and that's why I "stalked" her?

>>>>>>>>>No. Nothing to gain by admitting.

Or I could just use prom night again - but she says that is the only time she did that (doesn't know I know about her plans).

She says I need to trust her.

>>>>>>>>>Trust is earned, not given away freely.

If I let her know, maybe she'll see why I can't trust her. She says she can't trust me, and the only way she will ever trust me again is that if the school administrators ask why, I will not mention prom night.

She says I am driving her crazy and although she doesn't want to leave her friends, she wants to go to boarding school. I know you said it's too premature for that, but I am afraid that my parenting mistakes and incompetence as a parent could really be damaging her, and I can't handle this kid.

>>>>>>>>>There you go doubting yourself again.


Or is this still a case of getting worse before it gets better?

>>>>>>>>>Yes. Sooner than later, she will realize that you mean business. It took a long time for her to get this way, so it will take a little time to get her turned around and headed in the right direction.


The conflicts are getting more intense.

>>>>>>>>>Only if you provide intensity while things are going wrong.

Outside of home, she is a really good kid. So maybe I am the problem? I'm so upset and confused I can't think straight.

>>>>>>>>>There you go doubting yourself again.

Sorry this is so long. Please advise! Would a phone consultation be possible, and would that help or do you think email is better.

>>>>>>>>> Of course it’s possible. But I don’t think you’re off track except for the ‘doubting yourself’ business.

Mark
Cell: 765-635-9037
Toll Free: 856-457-4883
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

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