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I am about to lose it!

I need help as a mother with dealing with ADHD/ODD and spouses as step parents. My husband (which is my son's step father) is resentful of my son's behavior and almost acts as bad as my son pulling me directionally back and forth. I often feel his approach to dealing with issues isn't correct and his lack of empathy is due to years of conflict with my son and the fact there is no biological tie.

Perfect example last night -- My son lost control of his mouth last night all over not being able to ride in the front seat of the car! And I should mention the reason for getting in the car was to go pick up my son's bike at his father's house. After my son slammed the car door shut, yelling at his brother, he went off with a roll of abusive, cursing words. I told him to slow down and listen to what he was saying because the reason we were going was to go to the bank and then get his bike. My son continued - I backed the car out of the garage and proceeded to the bank (with my middle son in the car).

I decided not to react to the words he was saying in our driveway and he followed up by flipping me the middle finger. I kept on driving pretending not to notice. I saw he went into the house.

It wasn't only 3 minutes into my drive and my husband called my cell phone; asking what just happened. I told him and my husband jumped in by asking me why I wasn't punishing him for flipping me the middle finger. Then my husband reacts by asking me why I felt it was okay to leave him with the angry kid. I simply said to my husband - "I told you I was going to the bank and to get his bike. I am not going to get the bike now but to the bank only and will home within 30 minutes." End of conversation.

I came home to find my son in bed half asleep and not bothering anyone except - he refused to get up and clean up tools he left in the driveway from his tirade. It started to rain - so I left everything as is (which included a radio). At 9:30 p.m. -- all three boys in bed - my husband asks me where the phone is (we have a home cell phone).

You must know we battle with my out of control son using items and losing items - this includes a constant struggle to put the phone back after he uses it. H___ had used the phone a handful of times prior to the earlier incident. I knew of no one else who used it. I didn't know where it was but because it is something we continually talk about with my son - it shows a united, consistent front between my husband and I decided to go up and ask him where the phone was. My son blew up again yelling about letting him sleep. He said he didn't know where the xxxxed phone was -- leave him the fxxx alone - etc.

I decided to follow through with asking about the phone and he jumped out of bed yelling at the top of his lungs. He finally ran to the bathroom and locking the door - still yelling through the door. I held out… waiting for him to open the door and try to find the phone. In the meantime, my husband walked around the house with his cell phone calling our home cell to locate it. To no avail - no phone. After 30 minutes I was able to unlock the bathroom door, push my way in and talk to my son. I told him I wasn't going to allow him to talk to me that way, he wasn't going to scare the entire household with his tantrums, and he needed to calm down and think about what he did with the phone. After several minutes and getting him to calm down it sounds as if he really did put the phone back and doesn't know where it put it. Near tears I told him "if you would have talked to me in a civil tone when I first asked, I may have believed him, but the behavior from earlier and his reaction now is out of control -- and no one knows what to think." I told him to go to bed.

I walked into my bedroom and flopped down on the bed in desperation. My feet landed on my husbands t-shirt and socks he took off earlier --- the phone was under my husband's shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to crumble.

Am I saying my husband put the phone there purposely -- No, absolutely not. Am I saying he knew it was there - no. However, my husband was keyed up from the earlier incident, he gets keyed up about the misplaced phone, and I do feel he pick-pokes at things when not necessary. I am sure being all keyed up, he truly forgot himself he took the phone upstairs -- and probably did so when my son stormed in the house earlier. And even though this backfired on him, there was no apologies.

My husband told me, "I didn't ask you to get H___ out of bed. All I said is where is the phone." My husband then rants on about how even though the phone issue was mute the fact was H___ didn't need to act this way. He told me H___ should not talk this way to me and I should be punishing more.

My husband seems to continually ask questions like this- late at night - when I am on the way out the door - when we are about to sit at the dinner table -- they are open-ended questions which he knows will likely cause a storm. If I do nothing and tell him I am not addressing this now, he is upset and says I avoid issues. If I address the issue for the sake of respecting my husband and standing side by side and should things go awry, my husband goes back to simple statements like "All I asked is .... or I never said to do ....." This then is followed up with "H___'s behavior is terrible - there is no progress in our house - this is the most dysfunctional mess" …on and on and on and on.

I am about to lose it!

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