Online Parent Support Chat

9.8.07

Wish me luck!

Hi Mark,

Just an update. M______ was home when I got there to drive him to work (the heavy rain may have helped!). He asked if he could use the car to drive to work. Told no, got immediately on the phone to ask Dad. I got on the extension and said I already said no. M______ got upset and said "then I'm not going to work". I calmly fixed his brother's lunch and was sifting through the mail. He after a few minutes grabbed my car keys (to MY car) and acted as if he was leaving. I didn't react. I stayed in the house. In about 5 minutes, he came back in, swearing at me and pointing out that I am making him late and to hurry up. I again let these comments slide.

Picked up from work, got home about 9:30pm. Nice conversation on the way home, he ate dinner, etc. Then he asked to go to the movies. Told no, he was not going out as part of his consequence from the night before. He immediately goes to his Dad, and Dad verifies with me, and we say no. He states he's going anyway, is angry, throws a shoe at the ceiling, makes a big mark, and there is now 2 new dents in the hallway wall near the bathroom ( I didn't actually see him do it but they weren't there earlier). He denies the dents but admits to the mark. He then grabbed the house phone and acted as if he were making plans. (Covered up this call with another so we could not use "redial"). Reminded of no phone use. He said he was going to go "work out". Told no. He had on work-out clothes. He is leaving (now about 9:30pm), so I tell him if he leaves the property I will file runaway. He is in and out of the house/garage/yard for awhile (as if waiting for a ride). Finally I don't see him anymore. I go out into the yard several times and don't see him or evidence of him being around.

Husband is not really supportive of me filing runaway as he feels it will only cost money and not change anything (did spend 1 night in Juve in March '06 for dom. assault, then 6 mos probation), and further states he will not attend any court appearances, etc if it should come to that. Husband also starts talking about just letting him go, he can't deal with it anymore, etc. I say "NO--that is exactly what he wants and it will mean he wins and I will not back down from what I originally said. We have done it that way so often before he is hoping we cave." He reluctantly agrees, but does want me to go by the gym first to see if he's there. I do go by the gym and of course he's not been there all night. I try several of his friends, and they say they have not see/heard from him. His "ex" girlfriend (possibly not "ex" as they are again talking daily and trying to see each other as often as possible) hangs up on me. I do go to the police dept. and file.

As soon as I get home about 11:15pm, we get a call on our house phone from a girlfriend of his "ex's" cell #. She claims to be the older sister and has a complaint that M______ is threatening her sister through e-mail, has been for awhile, and she will go to the police with them as she has kept them. I encourage her to do so, and ask why did she wait until 11:30pm on a Tuesday to contact us. She then further asks for my e-mail so she can forward them. NO WAY am I giving them this information!! I know this is the girl, not sister "pranking" us. She then proceeds to say "what king of parents are you, can't you control your child, blah, blah, blah", as in mocking us. I shortly hang up and they never call back. (This girl lives about 4-5 miles away, or an easy jog or ride if my son was there.)

Just after this call M______ is knocking on the door--about 11:30m. We tell him that we reported him. He claims to have been hiding out in the yard all this time. We tell him we don't believe it and why coincidentally did his friend just so happen to call out of the blue, and right after I tried his "ex". He is sticking to his story. I call the police department as they have to send an officer out to verify him being home. He tries to talk to M______ awhile. He tells him straight out he doesn't believe the yard story either. He tells him, he needs to evaluate what he wants his life to be like--even in a few short years. He tells him he has a lot of positives going for him, but if he chooses the wrong path, it will be job security for him. We are told this will be turned over to the juvenile division and written up the following day. We will be contacted about it later. M______ is told he may not leave the house tomorrow, and consequences start over. He is like a "deer in headlights". I don't think he really believed we would go through with it. Not sure what will happen next!

Again, I am at work and have not heard from him yet. I am hoping to stay focused and strong. Wish me luck!

J.

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I think I found something very important in this email: You said, "We have done it that way so often before he is hoping we cave."

I believe this is why he continues to relentlessly test the limits. He has found that if he protests long enough, he gets his way eventually. It's just a matter of time - one more temper tantrum, one more threat, just one more verbal outburst, and good old mom and/or dad will wave the white flag.

Keep up the pressure (and take care of you 1st ...that's right - 1st),

Mark

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