Mark - here's my situation:
1) out-of-countrol teen (13yr daughter) - corrupted by internet
2) grave autism (9yr son) - nothing seems to be working
3) in-denial spouse (23yrs) - don't see eye-to-eye on anything
4) pressure-cooker job (cto of 6-yr start-up) - consumes all available bandwidth
On the plus-side (for this weekend anyway) your ptsp which I downloaded last night. So much of what I read rings crystal clear (the part on dependency and self-reliance). In typical fashion the wife dismissed it and has her own agenda.
Urgently need to take control of #1 (spiraling out of control) and #3 (empty, hopeless, relationship). Your advise to: a) take better care of self and b) not make any major changes makes perfect sense but regarding #3 - I think it's really too far-gone to leave alone or repair. Essentially I'm one single parent at loggerheads with another (we agree on NOTHING).
I clearly need some help and guidance and am seriously consider some local therapy for everyone. Can this be done long-distance? Do you know anyone on Long Island New York?
Plz advise asap...
Couples therapy may have some benefit, but I wouldn’t drag the children into the therapist’s office. That would just be another traditional parenting strategy that will have little – or no – effect.
You don’t need any lines of bullshit from me – so I’m going to cut to the chase:
If your wife is not on the same page with you on anything whatsoever, then this WILL be the kiss of failure re: your children changing unwanted behavior. I’m sure you know this though.
When parents are on different pages, the kids can easily and effectively play one parent against the other. It would be easier – and a lot less painful – to simply go beat your head against a brick wall than try to implement change with no support from your spouse.
First -- and most importantly -- do what your gut tells you to do. Having said that…
…now I’m going to tell you what I would do (this is not necessarily a recommendation per say):
I would not – and have not – stayed in a relationship that was ‘toxic’ for me. I’m not a proponent for “staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids.” This may go contrary to convention, but so be it. Life is too short to be miserable – or to simply survive from one day to the next. I expect a higher quality of day-to-day living than that.
There are many single parents who make significant headway with their child’s poor choices in spite of the fact that the other parent in the other home is working in the opposite direction. I won’t get off into this topic now though …it’s premature. I’ll simply leave you with this thought:
Do not settle for second best in life…not with your health (spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, financially or vocationally) …and certainly not with your children.
Change is tough & painful, but the reward at the other end is definitely worth it!!!
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