Online Parent Support Chat

8.3.08

Is this oppositional defiance?

Hi,
My name is Amanda and I live in New Zealand.
I have a twelve year old preteen daughter who is really bright and has started high school this year.
We are poor financially but I have always seen to it that she has had everything she needed and wanted.
For example she had ballet lessons, tae kwon do and a term of piano lessons.
I trained in primary teaching.
As a single parent with no family support and having survived a dreadful upbringing by a parent with psychiatric problems who has constantly been a destabilising influence.
We have had to shif around a lot to avoid stalking and ongoing harassment.
I was unable to go teaching due to having no before school childcare.
I stayed at home and have been there for my daughter pretty much all the time except when I finished my studies when she was in daycare and later when I did some course updates with evening classes.
I have done my best to build some support for my daughter by attending a local church.
My daughter refuses to do or strongly resists doing pretty much most of what I tell her.
She has started getting detentions this year, has her uniform in a disgusting state and refuses to keep her room clean or do chores for any lenght of time.
She is a clever kid.
It hasn't helped that i have been recovering from chronic fatigue and the emotional issues arising from my own upbringing.
I have also had therapy myself so that I could be a better parent to her.
After getting therapy myself I still don't feel prepared to manage her behaviour.
I can't take her anywhere in public because she either humiliates me, disobeys, or makes a drama including saying things to make me sound like a bad parent.
My worst experience at tae kwon do last year was when talking to one of the rich mums at our club, crystal said she wanted her to be her mum.
Crystal doesn't respect me for not having a job.
when I worked part time it wasn't stable financially .
Now she is more than a full time job herself and i feel like her slave.
I have already done a parenting course and at the moment crystal is experiencing a lot of negative consequences for her actions.
She created a drama on parent night last week because she didn't want me to go.
At her past schools i have always gone the extra mile with going to all extra activities.
Now I'm getting to the point where I know it won't make one single bit of difference.
I have had enough of the constant lying.
I have had enough of the disrespect and rudeness.
I want to do another course or something forward moving this year so I can get a job that will support us properly.
I don't think that is possible with her current behaviour.
She hates me nagging her but won't do things automatically herself.
She is routine resistant.
She has heaps of anger.
She plays games.
She actually reminds me of my mother which is really scary because that level of manipulativeness is sociopathic in my mothers case.
I have done my best to be a good example.
I don't smoke or drink.
I can't be in a relationship because she tends to take over.Well thats one factor.
Time out or rewards don't work and grounding isn't great because I'm stuck with her even more.
She is pretty lazy even though ii have taught her pretty much everything form self care, uniform care, her chore, some cooking and so on.
Although I'm a qualified teacher she doesn't want me to help with her homework.
From when my daughter was little my mother has made several serious false allegations with the authorities about me.
Crystal realises this.
last night i gave her time out on the back door step cause she was dissing me and saying nasty things under her breath.
She starts banging on the door and suggested she would go to the neighbours.
She also slams doors when she is annoyed.
I feel powerless at times.
Today I spoke with a friend of mine from church who may let crystal stay there short term.
Explaining why she has certain consequences/punishments for her actions doesn't work.
Asking her to do stuff doesn't work.
Explaining what will happen if she breaks a certain rule almost seems to make her want to break it.
When I was a child I wouldn't have dared treat my mother that way or she would have beaten the crap out of me.
Crystal has never experienced extreme poverty because we have government support.
She always got more clothes both new and hand me downs than I ever did and more toys and more entertainment.
I put her in the best schools possible.
All I got was one spoiled brat who has no idea how her actions hurt me, and has no idea how hard it has been for me to magically produce a new high school uniform, orthotics,braces for her teeth, new shoes and so on.
As a bright child she does well at school naturally except average at matth.
She applies herself only if she wants to.
She has had some concentartion problems in the past but she seems to be a little better.
If I want her to do something that is good for her she doesn't want to do it.
Now she has no after school activities or lessons, she spends all day doing one task.
If I let her she would read 24/7 which is great unless she is up at midnight, doesn't do homework, is late for school or late for going out even though she has been given a going out time warning.
Sometimes i feel that she gets a kick out of hurting me and is quietly laughing to herself.
We have done lists every year since she was little to encourage independence but she only does what she thinks is important.
In the past she tended to pick the friend who would be the worst influence on her( one stole her lunch regularly, and another at another school stole her winter coat and her place on the dance team and her new friends).
I hope to god that her friends this year are better.
AAAArgh!!!
Is this oppositional defiance?

My Out-of-Control Child

No comments: