Online Parent Support Chat

28.11.08

I don’t want to send her away – but at the same time I think I just about have to...

I am desperately trying to find a real solution to my awful predicament. I have a daughter who is an Honors senior student, who has won numerous awards and is a cheerleader and the President of her school’s FFA Chapter. She has already been accepted at the college she wanted to go to and has even received a $4000 scholarship already.

Yet at home she is fine unless I confront her over some transgression – large or small – she becomes sullen, NEVER does anything at home either at all or only half-way or has to be told every single time. She lies and says she has done it or has always always got the quick answer – like she has spent that time rehearsing it. Just in the past month she has run up the cell phone bill $350.00 with texting and just this week had an accident in my car and did not tell me about it until I questioned her and then told me a lie first. I was not this kind of teenager – I cooperated with my parents – but I had a father too.

I am a single mother – her father basically fell of the face of the earth when she was 3. She has always been resistant and difficult but has never had to be asked or told to do her homework. She has worked very hard to do well in school in order to get scholarships so she could attend college.

I saw a pattern emerging as she became a teenager – she is nice to everyone but then brings all her resentment home and directs it all at me. I wouldn’t say I ever tolerated it but tried to reason with her and get her to deal with her emotions and process them and stand up for herself at school more. Yet she has little respect or appreciation for me – has been throwing giant temper tantrums, damaging some things like the back door and making huge scenes at home and being very angry and telling me she hates me and even saying she hopes I die.

I am exhausted and discouraged and I get loud at times because I am saying the same things over and over and she is almost 18 and I know all the things she is doing she knows are wrong and now is telling me all the kids act this way – like she is doing this stuff to fit in.

We are getting worse off – she used to say she would do better but then never does anything different and now there’s more of it and she says she is going to stay this way and I can just deal with it. I am just beyond fed up – her bags are packed at the door – I’ve told her she has to go somewhere because I can’t pay these bills she is creating – and now to be able to fix the car I think I should take the car and drop the insurance to make up for what it will cost to repair it. Not because she had an accident but because she tried to cover it up and then lied about it. None of this is what I want but I cannot stand any of this – I do not understand her at all and I am spread so thin with working an hour away to support us. She is really creeping me out and I don’t even know what she will think of next but I know I would like to skip it. This is a nightmare to me. I am very overwhelmed at what other costs she can come up with that I can’t afford. I now resent her and I am very hurt and angry myself.

All of this drama is exhausting and boring – much more energy than doing the chores would take. The lying drives me up the wall.

I know I’m not good at dealing with her – I’ve told her now it is either get right or let’s find her another place to live – not because I really want that but I cannot stand my life being turned upside down like this every week – I was never like this – I thought life was much better when I did what I was supposed to do – it wasn’t fun but my parents rewarded me with more privileges. This child just acts like she is supposed to have it all and that I don’t exist. I don’t have any more patience – I am trying to keep her alive and safe and healthy. I wouldn’t let her have her license for almost a year because she was determined she knew how to drive – and everything is like that – she knows everything, she is endlessly competitive – always trying to show me I’m wrong and no matter how many times I’m right she just keeps on.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to send her away – but at the same time I think I just about have to because this is truly unbearable for me – we don’t have much family to speak of. We moved here 3 years ago – she knows more people here than I do because of me commuting an hour to work everyday. We did start going to church a couple of weeks ago.

I believe she is deliberately and knowingly making these choices and that my requests for the chores are reasonable. She is trying to dictate everything and tell me how to talk and how lucky I should feel because everyone else talks and acts worse to their parents. I say baloney - it is all a ploy to get control of me – honestly I can’t stand this.

My Out-of-Control Teen

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