Online Parent Support Chat

5.11.08

Shall I tell my son to find his own place when he turns 18...

Shall I tell my son to find his own place when he turns 18 in January if he
refuses to go for counseling for family relationship problem. My son is in
grade 12. I am a single mother raising him alone till now.

Or should I not kick him out and should I keep him in the house as long as
he wants to stay and try something else with him? Now that something else
can be your program that I have just discovered today.

Here is the current situation:

My son wrote nearly a few ten lines of cursing me language in his room
yesterday on his mirror, TV, papers hung on his wall, light switch, any
items that have plastic surfaces so that he can write with a felt pen...
Everything starts with F...me, tell me to die, I sold him to jail, he hates
JING! and No respect, No privacy and so on. He knocked his couch chair
over... He laid a bottle of alcohol on the floor. Standing in his room, I
was feeling intimidated and shaking. However, my tears and anger have gone
sometime ago...

The trigger this time is I removed his marijuana from his room after I let
him know that I smelled it in the house and waited for a day for him to take
it out himself, but he didn't. We just started family mediation last
Thursday as the first session together and he said "the no drug and alcohol
at home rule would be not a problem for him". On the way home, he brought
the drug home. He had not have the trouble with it since July. When I
removed the drug on the weekend, he wrote: 3 lines only --Fuck Christians.
Fuck your rules. Fuck YOU. Then when I did not give him lunch money on
Monday which would be for 3 days as the consequence that has been, he wrote
the nearly hundred lines of abusive languages yesterday.

I talked the family mediator last night and she suggested me to apologize to
my son for invading his privacy and admit that was complete my fault to make
him that angry and we will work something out. In contrast my instinct plus
other advise is to demand him to see a family relationship counselor or he
needs to find his own place in January.

What would a working course of action for me to take this time if nothing
has worked in the past? The mediator would call my son today for this
emergency situation happened last night. Me and my son will see her again
this Thursday as scheduled. I need to have a direction of which way to go
and put it out in the meeting.

To give you a little background about my son for the past two years:

The counselor said she has never seen such an angry kid before; she sees my
son is deeply hurt inside and he is very manipulative.
My son started using alcohol heavily when he was 15 and a half, started
marijuana shortly after and then has used both of these with the money he
worked part time.

He stays out at night ignoring the curfew.

January this year, triggered by marijuana, he got physical with me and I
pressed the charge with the court and as a result of it, he was kept outside
home for two and half months. He returned home and things did not improve
very much. However, in the last two months he was improving dramatically
with his behaviors, but turned backwards all of sudden which I believe is
caused by his failing in school and he may not graduate. He refuses help
with school work though.

Things you described-- strong willed and does not comply with any rules and
requests belong to my son. And I believer I've tried everything too. Even my
son told the mediator that his mom has been trying, trying and trying...

My Out-of-Control Teen

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