Online Parent Support Chat

14.12.08

I blame my husband for not being a role model for my son...

Please can you help me…. My husband is out of control also, but in a passive, can,t get it together kind of way. He has never disciplined my eldest son who is 15 years of age, he as over indulged him, and has left him to raise himself, no boundaries or values or discipline, and I am at my wits end with my husband and my eldest son, who treats me and his siblings with great disrespect, he threatens me, and has thrown things at me, he steals and lies (but has witnessed my husband lying for years), and does as he pleases, if I try to stop him doing something he shouldn,t be doing,(like taking his brothers bike to pieces because he wants to rebuild parts of his own bike) he gets angry and has pushed me around and threatened me, has his little brother in tears often. My marriage is in tatters because I blame my husband for not being a role model for my son, and for not disciplining him or giving him any boundaries…we are very close to becoming divorced over this, I no longer like my husband or my son.

My son has been disrespectful and rude for many months, he leaves the property without asking or telling me where he is going, steals my mobile phone and uses it to ring his friends, he basically does as he pleases and thinks he is old enough to do as he pleases, threatens to phone social services or the police and says he will tell them that I have pushed him or hit him !!

OI no longer know him or like him, I feel very sad and angry a lot of the time, I feel exhausted and now suffer from great ill health, I have allergy symptoms continually, runny nose, throbbing headaches, sore itchy eyes, I have anaemia, and a very low white cell count, and have had live blood analysis done to try to find out why I am so tired and have been told that my immune system is not working, the white cells are not as numerous as they should be, and they do not mobilize as they should….. I get breathless just going upstairs, My health has been getting bad since my son became out of control. The boy I loved has gone and I feel bereft, and sad. He hates me, he say so often, and to be honest I feel nothing for him, and wish I had never had him.

He has said today that he is starting a job on Monday, he has not asked us if he can have a job, and when I said that I needed to think about this, he got really angry and shouted abuse at me, he said that he didn,t need our permission, that we couldn,t stop him, and he stormed off in a rage.

My concerns are that he is out of control and rude and disrespectful, and iI feel that he needs to be respectful and decent at home before I can allow him to take employment… He has been so nasty and rude and threatened to hurt me yesterday….I asked him to have a salad with his lunch, as we had lots of salad to use up, and it costs a lot of money, ( we eat organic food) and we can,t afford to waste this food, and because he needs to eat something that is good for him,(the whole family was eating salad with their dinner. He refused and stormed off after hurling abuse at me, then crept back into the house and stole a plateful of the cooked food, and took it down the end of the garden… I followed him and got angry, and he then threatened me with violence. A little later, I went into the garage and he had taken his younger brothers bike to pieces to remove some of the parts and had put them onto his bike which was broken ( and was not repaired as he kept breaking it, riding it roughly over muddy tracks, and not looking after it, it was becoming too expensive to keep getting it repaired, ---- his younger brother cherishes his bike and takes great care of it, and he burst into tears when he saw what his brother had done, My eldest son ignored my youngest sons anger and tears, and just cycled off to town after being told to stay on the property and repair his brothers bike.!!

With this background, as I mentioned today my son has told me that he is starting a job on Monday !!!. We have only just started the programme and I ask you please Mark if you could help us with this,

What should we say to our son, I worry that he is so out of control and disrespectful that this must be sorted out first. And also that he is too immature to deal with the money he will get paid…

Please can I ask your advice on how to deal with this…. I am sure after finishing the programme I would know, but I really need help now. My son is going to explode if he is told he can,t have the job,,,,

But I really don,t want him to have it.

Also, might it be good for my son to take the job, as he would be getting discipline from his boss, he has never had any from his father, or will it open a can of worms., my son is like a 6 year old in a 15 year old body and I worry that he will become even more *empowered* and difficult to deal with if he has a job and money, he is so angry and aggressive and bored, he thinks he is old enough to do as he pleases, will letting him have this job reinforce this attitude in him, My son has tried very hard to get a job and has been walking from shop to shop asking for a part time job for months, everyone in our town knows he wants a job as he has asked in every shop….What should we do, should we keep him at home for now until he behaves better, or let him have the job.??? All his pocket money he gets he spends straight away, our younger son has hundreds of dollars saved, but our out of control teenager doesn,t know how to deal with money and just spends it, on rubbish takeaway food etc.. the job is in a tool shop.

My Out-of-Control Teen

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