Online Parent Support Chat

25.6.08

She not only had two of her close girlfriends over, but a number of guy friends as well...

What I am currently struggling with (and what brought me to your sight to begin with) was an appropriate consequence for her recent behavior. My husband and I went to my parents for Father's day. My daughter was to spend the weekend with her Father. Her Father gave her permission to spend the night at a friends, and as per our agreement, she is to call home from the friends house phone, not cell. Her Father did not call the parent to verify that she was there, nor did I know about this arrangement.

When we returned home Monday, it was obvious that our house had been used for a party. This was a ground rule that has been clearly established for a very long time, NO one is to be in the house when we are not here, not even her. She is to have all her stuff with her at her Fathers, if something is needed, she may return with her Father and get the item. She not only had two of her close girlfriends over, but a number of guy friends as well. Unfortunately, other boys showed up that were not close friends, and as you can imagine, things did get out of hand, and some items were broken (she has to pay for fixing/replacing).

I took away ALL privileges, and I have not given a time frame or way to get them back. That is where I am stuck. I have her phone, she cannot socialize with her friends. She can only go to summer workout, SAT tutorials and work. It has been a week, and her attitude and behavior towards me has gotten horrible. I know I need to set an end date for the punishment, my first reaction was the whole summer, because I felt so violated. I don't know how she can earn my trust back or when I end the grounding?

My Out-of-Control Teen

I actually smacked him across the face and made him go to his room...

I have 3 boys ages 16, 14 & 12. All they do is name call and argue. I feel like I am always telling them to shut up or breaking up an argument or I am just the referee. I am so sick of it. If I get on to one he complains that I always get on to him and the other 2 never get into trouble. The oldest is a mouthy disrespectful pain in my rear end and I snapped last night. I actually smacked him across the face and made him go to his room. They never get spanked. They get things taken away though. I know that I am not consistent with their punishment. I know that I should have been all these years but I never thought that they would be so mouthy or disrespectful. I told my oldest that I was going to kick him out. He acts like he is the adult and I have to constantly remind him that he is a child and I am the parent. My husband their dad has tried to discipline them and I stepped in because he was very strict, that was my first mistake. If I would have let him go they would probably not be this way. My husband says that I argue with them.

My Out-of-Control Teen

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

We're in a difficult situation with a 17-year old who just graduated (just barely) from high school. My husband and I plan to have a mandatory family meeting tomorrow evening to implement some changes in the way we operate. The 17-year old has flat out said, "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I'm not going!!"

We have told her that if she does not come, then there will be severe consequences for it. She still refused... We won't know until tomorrow. Now our problem is coming up with a consequence that my hubby and I can agree to. I suggested moving her out of her big bedroom and into the smallest bedroom as a possibility. Hubby does not agree with that because he doesn't want to move her out (physically) and figures he'll be the one responsible also for moving her back. We can't take away the car we bought her because she's making payments on it, and Hubby (without my knowing) told 17-year old (Nickey) that he won't ever take it away from her so long as she makes the payments. I don't have any other consequences that I can think of. We tried brainstorming over this earlier today, and absolutely everything that I suggestion, Hubby shot it down with, "She won't do it; she'll just move out". He is trying to keep her from moving out, but she's creating huge family problems. She's been acting out for about the last three or four years and it's getting worse rather than better.

My Out-of-Control Teen

24.6.08

We have been struggling with our 14/15 year old for the last year...

We have been struggling with our 14/15 year old for the last year. Her use of a cell phone, computer, and out of the house adventures have been greatly curtailed. Now what? She steals our cell phone, often getting up at 2:30 in the morning to text a boyfriend we have never met. Tonight, after having a daytime allergy attack was refusing to go to driver's ed which is located a stone's throw from our house. I know playing the control game with her isn't working but neither are the strict curfew and supervised outings. As soon as I try to go to a ball game with my husband, she is trying to break the put in stone rules for the night. Her behavior is affecting every one else. She has gone from a straight A student in 8th grade to a 2.0 in her freshman year in high school. She is not drinking or doing drugs but we are aware that someone with her cumpulsive stealing and lying habits is an accident waiting to happen.She had a good old fashioned temper tantrum this evening and we are worried.

My Out-of-Control Teen

23.6.08

My son lies and skips school to go to the internet café...

I am a single-mum divorced for almost 10yrs. I have a 14yrs son who has done the following:

· Lied to you?
· Stolen from you?
· Skipped school?
· Destroyed property?
· Refused to follow any rules?
· Stayed out at night without permission?

I am in the process of sending him off to go live with his dad 500km away from me. This would mean change of school, friends and activities. My son lies and skips school to go to the internet café. He has been stealing from us for years. I really do not know what else to do.

My Out-of-Control Teen

22.6.08

20 year old daughter who argues...

I have a 20 year old daughter who argues with me so much about her lifestyle and boyfriend.

THis one is "ghetto" in my opinion. He met with with a beer in his hand after getting out from driving her car, and a cigar in the other with his pit bull dog.

My daughter is having issues with money, I suspect drugs, but she says none. I cannot force her to take a drug test do to her age. When I am at work the kids know that nobody is suppose to be in the house. THis guy comes over, locks my dogs in my room and makes himself cozy.

My daughter says I am a racist, and she wants no part of me. After she tore my head off with her comments, I told her she would need to find another place to live.

All we do is argue, and she has everyone so upset, because she has pulled away from all of us. She says we are all talking negative about her and that we are full of "shit".

My Out-of-Control Adult Child

21.6.08

The pre-school director says they try to “redirect” him (I hate that term)...

I have a 4 & ½ year old boy who is constantly in trouble for one reason or another in pre-school, either from hitting, kicking, ignoring directions, constantly saying “no…’’ You name it…but it only seems to happen at school.

When he first started, he was great. He had a wonderful teacher that was very welcoming and warm to the kids, so he did fine. He then was transferred to another room, only b/c they expanded the rooms, and the teacher was later subsequently dismissed just b/c she didn’t know how to handle kids, and that’s when the problem started. The pre-school director says they try to “redirect” him (I hate that term), and that doesn’t work. They put him in time-out…that doesn’t work (cause that just gives him time to plot his next move). He does not swear, and if he hears a swear word, he immediately says that’s a bad word. Also, we have discussions about listening to your teachers, keeping hands and feet to himself, and he agrees…just doesn’t follow through. He’s very affectionate…he gets frustrated easily but is not an angry child.

However, he has no intellectual problems…He knows his shapes, colors, numbers, the alphabet, says words a third grader would use, he can count in Spanish, knows other words in Spanish, potty trained himself when he was a little over 2 years old, dresses himself, draws almost whole people as opposed to stick people, etc…

At home, he’s obedient (for the most part, meaning sometimes he shows resistance but nothing that’s not immediately fixed). He does not hit, kick, bite other kids in the neighborhood or if we’re at the park. He doesn’t focus at school, but if we’re doing something he likes, whatever it is, he can sit there until the projects complete.

So…I’m wondering if he had an initial bad experience at the school and acts out b/c he’s learned, “learned helplessness,” and figures he’s not getting positive attention, so no matter what he does he’ll just always be in trouble…

SO…I don’t think he has all the classic signs of ODD or ADHD; could it just possibly be the environment at the pre-school? When he’s with babysitters, he never has any problems, and there are even a couple “teachers” at his school that never have any problems with him beyond typical things that aren’t corrected. In addition, when he comes, the kids love him…

My Out-of-Control Child



Thank you.

20.6.08

Out of control child...

When you have a out of control child that hates being home, hates his mom, can't stand school, and all he wants to do is hang out with friends, and wants no responsibilities, plus go and come when he wants to. If he can't do that at home then he leaves home and returns when he is good and ready. How do you stop this? He is only 16, 17 in Oct. He has done this at least 5 times the last one was last Friday, an he hasn't been back yet. He does stay in contact with me, again, when wants to.

He wants to have total control of his live, not caring about his family. He does say he would come home, if his mom and sister were gone. He has no problem with me, but he can't stand be at home with his mom and sister. He does have ADHD.

My Out-of-Control Teen

19.6.08

It is driving me crazy...

Our 14 year old daughter sneaks out of the house - she meets up with friends, etc. It is driving me crazy that I can't make her understand how dangerous this behavior is. She has already been brought home by the police on one occasion. I have threatened juvenile detention. She doesn't respect us, our rules and doesn't seem to be afraid of danger.

My Out-of-Control Teen

14.6.08

This is the second time that she has initiated a physical confrontation...

We have a 17 nearly 18 year old daughter that has finally resorted to physical violence against me. My wife tries to be her friend instead of mom and makes me become the Bad Guy in most discipline matters. We had to take car from her after she deliberatley lost her part time job. This job took car of auto insurance. That's all we ask we get gas, spending money, and all other expenses.

Yesterday she refused to move from a location in the laundry room preventing me from entering. After repeatedly telling her to move, I made entry into room only to shoved out the door backward into door facing in hallway. She struck me numerous times in the head and face. I only was able to control her by restraining her using a headlock.

This is the second time that she has initiated a physical confrontation. The first time she called the local police agency and case was referred to Children's Services. I don't know what the counselor told my daughter but it helped for quite a while. We have attended family counseling for her and her anger toward me. This stems from me having additional daughter by another woman, during a divorce from my daughter's mother. We reconciled and have custody of the younger sister for the past year.

This is especially tough on us/me because she is a large girl outweighing me by 30 lbs or more and restraining without injuring her is difficult. I am used to handling confrontations because I make many arrests. I am a State Police Officer. You can imagine the slippery slope that we are on due to by job........and the possibility of domestic assault situation that these confrontations may lead to.

I wanted to take a juvenile petition (warrant) for this situation but my wife disagrees.

My Out-of-Control Teen



By the way my internet connection is so slow that I cannot watch your videos online. I even tried the google video option with negative results. What do I need to do? Can you forward this on a disc? It would help us get started.

Grandson diagnosed with ADHD and ODD...

My wonderful grandson has (FINALLY) been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. My daughter has been attempting to get some help for him since before he entered school. Everyone admitted he was strong willed, and perhaps ADHD. WHen he entered kindergarten, they even tried a drug, but there was no significant change in his behaviour. He will be 10 this summer and is finishing grade 4. He is in the 88th percentile academically, but has difficulty processing verbal instructions. My daughter's husband has suggested they find a foster placement for him because he "is ruining our family". I have convinced them that "He is your family", and although I know he can sometimes make life a living hell for his 6-year old brother, I believe they need to stick it out together.

In his grade 2 year, he had a tremendous turn around in his behaviour which I attribute to a wonderful teacher. His teacher attributed it to his gaining maturity, but by the middle of his grade 3 year, his behaviours were back, and have been getting worse ever since. He is being excluded and teased by other children at school and is unable to maintain friendships because he cannot control behaviours that annoy and anger others.

He also has a really heightened sense of entitlement and persecution. This weekend we taught him to cut the lawn (with close supervision) and said we would pay him to do the front lawn. Right away, he tried to bargain for double the amount. We stuck to our guns, and with each successive amount he came up with we countered with the amount we first offered. He finally agreed to the payment we offered, but then complained bitterly the rest of the day that he worked his butt off for the little bit of money we gave him.

When playing a game with us, it was looking like his grandpa was going to win the game because he had the most money collected. He threw a king sized tantrum, flailing fists and legs, hitting the couch and screaming at the top of his lungs, I never win anything. This went on for several minutes. We endured another similar tantrum the next day when we played a game and things didn't go his way. There were several smaller power struggles/tantrums over the weekend. All the time playing the game he burped and passed gas. Even when we told him the game was over if he repeated the rude behavour he did it again and we followed through. No consequence seems to work so we have had little leverage in changing his behaviour through time out, withdrawing privileges.

My daughter was also a strong willed child and had a very stormy teenage hood, including pregnancy with the little boy I have just discussed, when she was 17. Our youngest grandson doesn't seem to exhibit the same behaviour, although he is starting to holler and fight back when his brother repeatedly pokes at him and says "You suck" over and over to bug him.

My Out-of-Control Child

12.6.08

Refuses to follow any of my rules...

I have a 15-year-old daughter, soon to be 16, who runs away for a few hours and comes back, of course, without permission. She looks at me with daggers, is disrespectful in her tone. I am a single parent. She is totally out of control. I speak to her in a calm voice, but she won't listen to anything I say and receives nothing I say.

She absolutely refuses to follow any of my rules.

My Out-of-Control Teen

11.6.08

We have tried counseling, which I feel has actually made the problems worse...

Our 15 year old daughter is about to finish her freshman year of high school, and it has been nothing short of a disaster. Her decision making skills when she is around her group of friends is deplorable, and she now is in such a deep pool of lies that I honestly believe she thinks most of them are actually truth. She has been skipping classes, performing poorly when she does attend class (she was a model student in 7-8 grade), and not taking any responsibility for her actions.

At this point, her Mom and I feel she cannot attend high school next year as her behavior patterns continue this downward spiral. We have tried counseling, which I feel has actually made the problems worse.

My Out-of-Control Teen

6.6.08

We have recently tried a program that in my opinion was a waste of $300 called the Total Transformation.

My husband and I have 3 children. They are biologically mine. My son is 17 and two daughters 13 and 11.

My son went to a mental hospital last year for anger management. He has a hard time controlling his temper and has a hard time holding himself accountable for things. His grades are finally coming back up, (c's instead of f's). He has smoked, drank, done drugs, had indiscriminate sex.

My 13 year old daughter followed right along after him to the mental hospital in feb. She craves attention no matter what she has to do to get it. She has done cutting, more because it was what her friends were doing (i think) than because of any mental problems Has turned my husband in for child abuse (which was unfounded per child protective services) and has flunked 7th grade. She also claims that she had sex once.

My 11 year old daughter takes things, from me, from her father, from her friends. No reason, she just wanted to. She also craves attention.

None of them listen, none of them are concerned about following directions or rules. They do get attention from us, we have tried everything. We have recently tried a program that in my opinion was a waste of 300 dollars called the Total Transformation. They offer ideas on what you can do ...conversations you can have, but no advice as to what would be best for discipline or restrictions or punishment if you have xyz happen..they say not to yell at your child, you are in control. Great concept but still leaves us out to dry.

My Out-of-Control Child

4.6.08

I get very upset that these "little girl" years...

A__ has been taking money out of my purse over the last couple of weeks so hopefully that will stop. M__ spoke to her about the possible ramifications of stealing in the general community (ie) if a theft conviction was to be made so she got a bit upset by this...

There are lots of kids her age who live in our cul-de-sac and they seem so together and so much more well behaved than A__ and are a delight to talk to (I'm sure they have their moments) and I get very upset that these "little girl" years are just whizzing by under a black cloud of violence, disrespect and bad behavior.

A__ was a delight until she was 3 (we didn't have the terrible twos) then she virtually changed overnight.... She is a very intelligent child who has been talking in full sentences since she was 15 months old and was asking questions about gravity and light when she was 3 so all of this stuff now is just shattering the dream of the bright, interesting child we longed for (and thought we had). A__ was conceived by IVF after a number of years which is why she has no siblings as I was getting too old and when a second attempt failed, was advised to stop for my own health as I have MS. I am not in a wheelchair but get very tired and have worsening sight. My confidence has really been shattered by this disease (I used to fly aeroplanes but now have difficulty driving) and the double whammy of this child is exhausting!

My Out-of-Control Child

3.6.08

Daughter stealing food...

We are having a constant problem with my daughter stealing our food. She thinks she has a right to do this. For one thing she usually has no breakfast during school days. She wants us to pay for a lunch every day in school. I cook almost every day supper for the whole family. She refuses to take anything to school because she says after a couple of hours her food will not taste very good. My husband takes sandwiches and fruits along, so does my son. They both never complain. Sometimes I give her money, but not always. I don't feel it's right. Well, when she comes home I offer her a snack, but she goes behind my back and takes everything else what she wants. Then she will not eat my supper much that I cooked with TLC.

We have been hiding foods, she goes through my closet. I cannot lock the fridge. I cut her allowance. She just feels she is entitled to the food. This goes on for years. First it was just something small, but now she will take whole TV Dinners, canned goods. Last Saturday I bought cherries. I heard the fridge door and went into the kitchen. I took the cherries and she said ice cold "bitch". I stayed calm and told her she can write one page about why you should not steal food and why you should be respectful. She wrote about that subject before. She was already grounded for something else. Eventually she wrote the page. I refused to give her any other meal until it was written. But in the meantime she took already snacks out of my husband's closet again.

We talk about it, she gets no allowance anymore. It drives me crazy. She is grounded for other things, while she is grounded she does not care anyways and you said it should not be endless grounding on top of grounding anyways.

My Out-of-Control Teen

He has actually grabbed me very hard, and tried to choke me...

Our son is 15 years old, and we have been dealing with a lot of behavior problems since he was 8. At this point, our son does not misbehave every day at all, but when he does, the rages are unbelievably terrible. It's difficult to even describe what goes on around here when he is in a rage. He is so rude to any adult during these times (while during his normal times we have been told by several people that they wish their child would be as respectful as D__), uses disgusting language, threatens to hurt people, and the worst of all, he has actually grabbed me very hard, and tried to choke me. Usually, the actual thing that he does is not even that bad, mostly typical teenage behavior, but then he digs himself deeper and deeper once he is confronted or caught. He can't even listen to us when we try to tell him that what he did wasn't even that bad, but that it's the aftermath that always explodes, It is bad enough, though, that when it does happen, we feel increasingly lost on what to do. This has made it hard to really come up with any solutions, since during the times when he is not having a rage, he is completely sweet and good natured, and a very smart student. Very strange, don't you think?

We worry very much about his future. I can see him getting a college education, a good job, a personal relationship, but then I am so frightened by what will happen if he continues these rages in his adult life. My husband keeps telling me that he believes this will pass and he will mature out of this (since he has improved so much over the years), but my feelings are that even one of these rages is too much.

My Out-of-Control Teen

Daughter is carrying around a lot of anger...

Our 13-year-old's counselor told us that our daughter is carrying around alot of anger, but directing it all at the family. We're her outlet. She's been diagnosed with some depression, but her therapist doesn't think she needs to be on an antidepressant at this point.

She speaks horribly to her 11-year-old sister and 6-year-old brother, yelling at them and calling them names. I told her this is not acceptable. Her response: "I don't care". What is our next step? I know we should tell her that either she stop speaking to her siblings -and us - this way, or else.....but what should the "or else" be? I may be a little afraid that, if she's depressed, she will act out worse - ex., drugs, suicide.

Also, she's a highly intelligent, "gifted" kid who does not fit in socially at school, and is also what you describe as an "overindulged" child.

My Out-of-Control Teen

2.6.08

She was charged with "petit larceny"...

I am a 50 yr old mom in Rochester, NY. My husband and I have an appointment with a psychotherapist on June 6th to discuss our 17 yr old daughter. We have 2 daughters - one 15 and one 17. Our 17 yr old, M___, has always been difficult having tantrums as a little one and just difficult to console, but the pediatrician never thought so. She was always afraid of things, so I enrolled her in many different fun children's programs to try and get her out of her shell. Her sister, C___, has the opposite temperament and is quite content most of the time - thank God!

M___ is a Senior, and the last few years have been difficult as she has made some undesirable friends that she has not really wanted to share with us. Our girls were raised going to a Methodist church weekly where I co-teach Sunday school. M___ has not wanted to attend for the last few years, but unbelievably attends the Youth Mission Team for a week away each year.

She has full use of our 10 yr old car, cell phone and state of the art computer at home. She works part-time at a farm market in our town. The part that is upsetting me so much is we cannot seem to control her going out at night and staying out all night. She comes home the following morning. She refuses to tell us where she is going and who she is with. We have always stressed this, but she is extremely defiant. She threatens us that she will keep us up all night if we don't allow this. I have wanted to take the cell phone, car and computer away. My husband does not have a temper or a strong hand and she knows she can get away with this. He is very gentle and really doesn't know how to handle her. I called the police 2 yrs ago when she left our house to meet someone and she was not in her bed at midnite. They just came in to give her some scare treatment, which worked for a while, but now things are worse. I really don't want to get the police involved again.

I have had many sleepness nights and my concentration is not good because all I can think about is this disruptive kid. She swears using the "f" word when she is angry and I feel no peace in my house. I hate to admit it, but I sometimes have a hard time loving her. She says, I don't care about you or your feelings when I say how much I worry. At times, in an angry rage, she says, I wish you would die. Can you believe this talk? You probably can because you specialize in this. I could go on and on. Lately, she has been skipping gym and study hall since she feels they are a waste. There are only 3 more weeks until the end of school and I don't know how the school will handle this. I get a call from school about her absence. I contacted the guidance counselor and he was to talk with her about this. She was always a top achiever and great student until 1/2 way through 11th grade. She is all set to attend the State College at Brockport in September, but that worries me about her actions.

We travel to nice places twice year and we have been fortunate to visit family in Ireland where my husband is directly from. I think she resents that we don't have much family and uses that as an excuse. I only have my dear 88 yr old mother and 63 yr old brother nearby. My brother suffers with bipolar disorder and has for years and lives at DePaul Adult home, so that they can monitor his medications.

She does not even want a graduation party like all her friends are having. Why is my daughter so different?

The worst thing that has caused me so much anxiety is that she did something so low, I cannot begin to express that she did this to our family. She was charged with "petit larceny" for attempting to steal $200.00 worth of bras at our local Kohs. I have been so upset over this. My husband took her to court and we paid an attorney $1,500.00 to get her out of this mess with 16 hrs of community service. She goes to court again on 6/19 to finalize the charge.

I often want to leave and go live somewhere else. She and I are just not good for each other and it saddens me so much.

My Out-of-Control Teen