Online Parent Support Chat

31.7.08

He is the psychotic and vicious monster that haunts our household...

I came across your program tonight after a particulary difficult day with my eleven year old son. I have to agree that the world wide web is filled with information about the problems origins and manifestations, but offers little sound advice in regard to effectiveness. I have honestly "tried everything" to help my son in regard to his ever increasing unacceptable behaviors. Hell, I have a masters degree in special education. I have excellent behavior management in my classroom, but seem to be a complete failure with my own child.
My son is a loving and wonderful person as much of the time as he is the psychotic and vicious monster that haunts our household. I truely seem to have given birth to a Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde. He was born with a neurological disorder called "microcephally" and struggles with academics, social skills, and motor skills. He is intelligent and remembers anything he hears that is of interest or useful to him. I cannot use his disabilities as an excuse for him not knowing any better anymore. He has also been diagnosed as developmentally disabled, ADHD, ODD, bipolar, anxiety disorder, depressed, as we have wandered through the spectrum of services available to us as he has wandered through his childhood years.
I do not have him on medication, and do not consider that an option. (just getting an antibiotic into him when he is desperately ill can take a level of physical force that hurts my soul---I could not do that---he is almost as large as I am and very strong) I have spent a great deal of time modifying his diet with a small amount of success, but cannot keep those modifications consistent due to meals at his fathers, the school and child care provider settings.
In the last two years he has become increasingly manipulative, openly defiant, dishonest, verbally and physically abusive. He lives with me and is my only child. He also spends several nights a week with his father in a different household. I seem to notice the worst behaviors upon the return from his fathers house. I will also note that his father was not an easy soul to live with and was always very aggressive and demanding.
And then, here is the real killer, the one that leaves me at loss....it is in my house that the majority of his behaviors present themselves. I do more for this little boy than any other soul in his life. I am at loss as to how I can be failing him so miserably that he feels he must physically hurt me. At school he is fawning and over compliant most of the time and has very low self esteem due to lack of friends and struggles with basic skills. Homework is the devils own work in regard to what it does to our home life.

29.7.08

I have a wonderful daughter who happens to have an attitude...

My name is Susan and I have a wonderful daughter who happens to have an attitude. My ex-husband and I have been dealing with out difficult daughter for 10 years and as she gets older the problems get worse. Help!

Jordan Mary is going into the 8th grade and I want her to be a success like any parent. She is interested in the medical field. Not sure which aspect at this point. Jordan does make good grades as well. Her goal is to go to the Health Career's HS next year. But I have some real concerns.

Jordan is so strong willed and I am her primary target. We have been through therapist and psychiatrist as well.

Her primary diagnosis is ADHD and ODD as secondary. Currently on Concerta. The medication has made no difference ...we still need management techniques.

My Out-of-Control Child

28.7.08

He exhibits all of the traits you describe exactly...

Although our son is only 11, he exhibits all of the traits you describe exactly (except for the teen-specific ones like drinking and breaking curfew). He has been like this since he was very small and we have had 10 years of pain, frustration and despair, with very little joy. At home he is often ok, however at school or in social situations it is a different story. He attends an exclusive, private boys school and is in very real danger of being thrown out because of his inappropriate, aggressive, disruptive and disrespectful behaviour. I could give tons of examples but I’m sure you know. The school has had to implement a program where he has been given a specific set of positive behaviours that he needs to work on and his improvement is assessed each day then summarised each week in written form. He also does the absolutely minimum school work and his grades are only average even though he has an IQ of 148.

In social situations, it’s the same. Everywhere we go he finds some way to be controversial, eg: rough play, being mean, destructive or just plain stupid. For example, if we’re at the beach with friends, he’ll be throwing sand, and pushing other kids under water etc. Basically, in any group situation, he just kind of ‘snaps’ and gets over-excited and then it’s impossible to calm him or get him back on track.



My Out-of-Control Child

My daughter attacked me last week then walked out for many hours...

My daughter has lived with me since her father and I split up about five years ago. I moved away from the area where her father lives from England to Scotland and this causes logistical problems. Whilst living in Scotland I was married to my second husband who was extremely abusive and I ended up a mess, negative self esteem and self harming. I was level headed before I split up from my first husband. My daughter has witnessed a lot of what happened. I am now in a steady relationship with a good man but who has never had children let alone teenagers. My daughter seems to think that she is now the adult/leader of the pack and does as she pleases (out with friends drinking, lying about where she is staying, etc etc). If I make a stand she threatens or does physical violence so I feel I have no control. My new boyfriend (who doesn't live with us) finds this difficult to watch as he would love to see her being a decent teenager and treating me the way she should but feels he cannot get involved and that the responsibility should lie with her father. Her father has a new family and has never been very supportive where discipline is concerned and has shirked his responsibilities for many years, long before we separated.
My daughter attacked me last week then walked out for many hours. The police had to be called because she was potentially a missing person. I felt I had no option but to give myself a bit of space and send her down to Dad's. I don't want to lose her and I want her back where she belongs but I need to gain control as quickly as possible in order that she grows up to be well rounded, I remain sane and finally, the strain its putting on my new relationship stops.

26.7.08

I've already kicked her out 2x and want to try to make it work as a family and grand-family...

We are having a much worse problem w/our daughter than we've had w/any of our other 4 sons. I'm not willing to kick her out or threaten her w/same. I hope I can have some influence anyway. I sent her to live w/my sister in another state spring of '07. She stayed there 4 months, but it didn't work out. She was under the oversight of a juvenile probation officer when she returned. I've had to call the police a number of times when she has hit me. She discovered she was pregnant in March. She stopped taking her bipolar medication and ADHD medication for the baby. She got so difficult to deal with (screaming and raging when she didn't get her way) that we hospitalized her. A couple of weeks later, she slapped me across the face. I weigh 100#, 5'1" w/fibromyalgia. She has 30# and 3" on me, not to mention youth and health. I called the police. They would not put her in juvvy overnight (my suggestion: as shock treatment) but sent her to her adult brother. After a few days, we told her it was time to come home. She refused, which was very empowering to her. 6 weeks later, when her brother could no longer afford her, he brought her home. In other words, I've already kicked her out 2x and want to try to make it work as a family and grand-family.

The problem:

`` She's 17 and pregnant so legally "emancipated" in this state.
`` She has friends who will pick her up when we don't allow her to use her car.
`` She often doesn't come home at night.
`` She screams and rages for prolonged periods when she doesn't get her way.
`` She ignores any directives or consequences
`` She does no chores (did many when younger)
`` She has a 12 year old brother w/big time temper problems who, nonetheless, is a great kid who is being very negatively affected by this

My Out-of-Control Teen

22.7.08

He has basically always been a challenge...

On your website promoting your online course, you ask 2 questions at the very bottom:


1. What is your toughest parenting challenge currently?

2. What other problems are you experiencing with your child right now?

The answer to your 1. Question is our 17 ½ yr old son. He has basically always been a challenge. Now that he has a license, he thinks he can our car (he has no money to buy one on his own) whenever he wants and go wherever he wants, with whoever he wants, and come home whenever he wants. He goes to steal the keys and just takes off. He refuses to answer his cell phone when he sees it is us calling because he doesn't want to give any indication of where he might have gone. He tries to sneak into R rated movies, and who knows what else? He won't accept punishment (ie, no driving privileges or taking away the phone for a time)--he puts up a fight like a 2 year old.
The anwer to #2: I will say up front that my husband and I are Christians. I can't, without a doubt, say that our oldest son is. He claims he is, but by his attitude and actions, one would think not. He doesn't want to go to church anymore because our church isn't "entertaining enough". He has no remorse for anything he does, from hurting his siblings or his parents or putting holes in walls and doors at our house. He is naturally a very angry kid. And, unfortunately, his two younger siblings see his actions and attitudes and think it's ok for them to act the same way as well (and they are also teens). It always comes full circle. Our oldest does not want to listen to anyone or take advice from anyone unless it is a friend who thinks the same way as him. I'm sorry to say though that we put limits on our children because we love them. No, we don't want them out at all hours of the night doing whatever, and yes, we want them to turn off the stupid cell phone and actually sleep at night! But most of all, we want to be able to trust our kids--something we've never been able to do. My husband can't even go out on a "date night" and expect our children to obey while we are gone--it doesn't happen. We've tried just taking a short walk, and by the time we come home, it's a disaster.

21.7.08

He hates his stepfather...

To cut a very long story short, my son Daniel is 15. He struggles at school and has never found anything in life that excites him. He seems to have no enthusiasm for anything and never sticks at anything he starts. He hates his stepfather, bickers with his 8 year old brother incessantly, moans he’s bored all the time despite having most of the things he wants, talks to me like I’m nothing, has a bad attitude and generally is not interested in anything unless he is going to benefit from it in some way.

Although he doesn’t do what I would call naughty things, he does tell lies and has no respect for anyone and he can be quite manipulative to get his own way.

I realize this is probably all my fault as I am far too easy on him and very rarely stick to what I say when threatening punishments and I also realize that there are kids that are much worse than him but this does not help. He resents his step father because he is always ‘on his case, permanently feels I do not spend enough time with him, and I’m sure is unhappy a lot of the time.


My Out-of-Control Teen

20.7.08

I don't feel that I have the strength to confront my teen on my own...

I am afraid that if I confront my teen about his use of pot and selling it that he will move out. He is too vulnerable right now. I don't want him to end up on the street. He is 15 years old. I want to provide a safe and healthy home for him.

I am single parenting right now. My husband has been away for the last couple of months..
He will be back home next week for good.

In the meantime, I don't feel that I have the strength to confront my teen on my own. So for the time being, my child has been doing pretty much what he pleases.

I have been trying to stay in a positive light, however, I have been staying calm for the most part, but I am becoming extremely frustrated with not being able to control anything that he does. I am also feeling very defeated and depressed. I have also been fight off a bad cold for the last 5 weeks. I am complete out of steam.

The more I try the more he rebels.

I do believe that it has become a problem for him. He did mention a couple of months ago that he wants a change and that he will not be an idiot at school next year. I sense that he is wanting out of the situation he is in with his peers.....I also sense that he does not know how to get out of the situation.

I want to help, but I don't know what to do.

My husband is the key right now and he is not back home for 10 more days.

He seems to be doing better at 15 then he was at 13. My problem is that I am afraid to deal with his outbursts, when he is confronted. I do know that when my husband comes home we can work on this together. In the meantime, I am just trying to survive my worry fears and anxiety and helplessness.

My Out-of-Control Teen

We have tried medication and therapy...

My son is 17 years old and he has been a handful. He has recently started to drive and since he has received his license he has had around 5 or more tickets. I have lost count. He is disrespectful and a compulsive liar and that is just for starters.

I know there is good in him. It has been few and far between . I feel when my husband and I talk to him we are from different planets. I will try to explain the importance of any thing and to him it is no big deal. I am left speechless, frustrated, irritated and left with a feeling of hopelessness that we can not get through to him. Need something to work. We have tried medication and therapy.

My Out-of-Control Teen

Josh ripped up his little brothers webkinz toy...

Josh constantly puts Kyla down. He claims that Kyla starts, but I am present some of the time and I know that is not true. Without calling him a liar, I tell him that if she is bothering him and he can't get her to stop then he should remove himself from the situation or come and tell me so I can help them work it out. He calls her fat, stupid, idiot, says she has no friends, etc...

I will also mention that during a tantrum Josh ripped up his little brothers webkinz toy. I told him that he will need to earn money to pay for it or he will lose the privilege of going to a water park that he goes to several times during the summer. He is still refusing to pay for the toy.

I am pretty sure our child knows he is loved, which is why it is so frustrating that he needs to be the center of attention ALL of the time. I try to recognize that each child is different with very different needs. Sometimes it is very draining.

My Out-of-Control Child

18.7.08

My son is a good kid...

I divorced my son's dad when he was 3 months old. I have remarried my husband now 3 years ago ado we have a 2 y/o and another on the way. I dated my husband for 10 years before we married, so he has known my son since he was 3 y/o. My son's dad tells him outrageous stories about me, such as i cheated and we would still be married if i had not left. He was abusive and i do not get into the game of bad mouthing him. I am a divorced child and my mom did that all the time. I do belief we had a son together and it is our job still to rear him. I do not get help out of him at all.

Our son was suspended from school for a total of 8 days last year for fighting. His dad and him see there is no problem with this so when i try to do something, he just says dad is ok with this. He is failing school for stupid things and i do not have skills i need to get his attention. When you start having a family with someone else who has the same values as you then there is a problem. My husband wants to send him to military school which is very expensive. My son is a good kid ...just in last few years has major attitude with me and very touchy with his peers. He has always has had trouble with being bullied and will hit who ever is doing it. What really scares me is if grows up like his dad and will hit a woman.

My Out-of-Control Teen

She is vindictive towards me and her siblings and purposely does things to annoy others...

I am recently divorced mother of a 12 year old daughter. My daughter has been "targeted" by her father who is presently pursuing legal action to obtain full physical and legal custody of her only ( I have three children ages 12, 9 and 5). I have always had behavior problems with this 12 year old daughter. She has attended several sessions of a support group for children who's families divorced plus individual counseling. I attended the concurrent parent support group for families going through divorce. The Dr. who ran this group felt my ex-husband was a malignant narcissist. None of the interventions for my daughter seem to matter. I am presently waiting to have her evaluated by a pediatric psychiatrist. I have been told nothing I do as a parent will matter ( I have tried different parenting programs) since her Dad and I are not unified in our parenting. She receives special attention and gifts while visiting her father during her custodial time with him. She also is allowed to do whatever she wants with her Dad. She is extremely disrespectful towards me and other adults. She is vindictive towards me and her siblings and purposely does things to annoy others.

My Out-of-Control Child

She had a very difficult start in life...

I am foster carer to Caroline she came into emergancy care in 2004.With out giving you to much information she had had a very difficult start in life and I had to go right back to baby nerchering.Now you would think she is a normal teenager and has made great progress although she is still 4 years behind in school.In the last year she has had terrible friendship problems and her behaviur is terrible.At times spitting hitting and punching when she thinks she is cross.She has also been excluded from school twice this year.We feel it can't go on as it effects the rest of our family although they have left home and I have grand children can you help.We don't want to give up on her yet but friends and family say we are mad.

My Out-of-Control Teen


We are at our wit’s end and feeling so very helpless...

I’m a white man and divorced father of one (6 years old boy) living with my girlfriend (a white woman) and her two kids (boy-10 and girl 16 – both black) for the past two years. My girlfriend’s daughter is, in my opinion, and many around me, out-of-control. She consistently is defiant and disrespectful to her mother, yelling and screaming when discipline is distributed for her actions. This past weekend, I got in between as her daughter was blocking her mother’s way to leave. She (daughter) was mad because her mom took $20 out of her purse that she owed, then grounded her from her car. The daughter was hitting her repeatedly. I got in the middle to break it up and was hit by her (daughter) a bunch of times. I threatened to call the police and she retreated to her bedroom. Her daughter told her she hated her and wished that she had died in a car accident (instead of her grandmother). She wrote her mom a note leaving it in her dresser drawer that said “I HATE YOU, I’m taking all the pictures around the house ‘cuz I’m too cute to waste them on you!” … then she took them. The daughter repeatedly tells her that her life is miserable because of her mom and that she wishes she was dead. The daughter gets good grades in school and is relatively well-liked by teachers and friends. Family members on my girlfriend’s side say that she’s a selfish, loveless brat that harbors anger and resentment. Her dad, a black man living in another town, takes no responsibility and says he was only the sperm donor and not a parent. Though she visits him a few times a year, he ends up being the “Disneyland Dad” in my opinion.

The boy (10) has a different father (also black) who sees him about once a month on the weekends. He is generally a good boy, but is easily impressionable and looks up to his big sister. I can easily see him drifting towards some of her behaviors as he gets older. The only reason I brought up race, is that I didn’t know if that may also be a factor. I think she (daughter) thinks it’s cool to be black, but very uncool to be white.

My big question is, does this story sound familiar? I’m a school-teacher for the past 10 years and have seen kids from all different family backgrounds. I have never, however, seen this type of disrespect towards a parent. The guilt of her behaviors (words and deeds) – to me, should be devastating. Her mother is at a counseling appointment right now and hopes to get the two of them into counseling together. I just don’t see it happening. I don’t know what to do. The strain on our relationship is maxed out ...we are at our wit’s end and feeling so very helpless.

My Out-of-Control Children

15.7.08

He HATES everything and everyone when he doesn’t get his way...

My son is 5yrs. Old and will be turning 6 in December. We have had problems from day one. I told my mother in a conversation last night…I have never heard of a child coming into the work angry, but I swear he did. From day one…he, as a baby, was inconsolable. You couldn’t hold him as a baby and cuddle him up close. He would become so rigid and hard. I thought he was going to make me crazy…I even began taking anti-depressants as a result. I couldn’t help feeling I was doing something wrong. After all, isn’t a mother supposed to be able to calm the child down when no one else can. Not Him. He didn’t want to be held. He cried 24-7. My mother disclosed to me last night that she wondered, back then, if he may have been suffering from autism.

As he has gotten older, his temper tantrums have not stopped. He HATES everything and everyone when he doesn’t get his way. I have a 9 year old daughter who feels the effects of his actions because he doesn’t get into trouble for the same things she does. When in truth, I know he should be punished, but I honestly don’t want to have to deal with his attitude when he gets punished. I used to spank him every time he threw a fit, now I just send him to his room so I don’t have to listen to him or watch him, and instruct him not to come out until he changes his attitude. While he is in there, he is screaming, throwing toys…the list goes on. But when he comes out he is over it and says he is sorry for throwing a fit. He constantly talks back. He wakes up angry and we all go to bed angry. I am really emotionally spent. I often wonder if I had held him and loved him more, when he was a baby, would we be going through this now. My mother pointed out last night, he wouldn’t let me. Honestly, I hope we can fix this. My worst fear is that he will grow up as angry as he is now and abuse his wife or children. I don’t know if I could handle that.

My Out-of-Control Child

I have to earn his respect and he has to earn mine -- but how?????

My son, Luke, is almost 15 years old, almost straight A student, totally committed to basketball, helps out at bible school by my request, has lots of friends, doesn't get into trouble with the law, is funny, has a muscular in shape body, watches what he eats, so you might be wondering why I am writing. Well here is the other side to Luke -- he is strong willed, doesn't take no for an answer, we fight constantly, he has no respect for me (which is my fault), can't admit when he is wrong, doesn't take responsibility for his actions, always right, has an excuse why he did or didn't do something, and can totally manipulate a situation where he totally believes it. I am at my wit's end with him and my husband is afraid that my son and I are always going to be butting heads because we are both strong willed and neither of us gives in. I looked at your website and I can almost say with certainty that he has smoked a cigarette, drank a beer, did drugs, etc. There is always a chance and I will never say never but we are very much involved in his life, talk openly about drugs and sex, give him different scenerios and ask him how he would handle it, etc. He is a totally commited kid to basketball, football, golf, and getting good grades. He is sloppy and unorganized, but very, very smart.

We have tried really hard but he is a hard-headed kid and I have failed miserably with him. For example, on the basketball court, he is a total baby when the calls don't go his way, if someone screws up, if he screws up, etc. He is out of control and nothing gets him out of acting like a little baby. It's embarrassing watching him when he loses it. It's disheartening that we have never made excuses for his behavior, we have talked relentlessly about his behavior with him, taken games away, and yet he still doesn't get it. His best friends this weekend told him how they felt and he just kept saying "but" and I said zip it and listen to what they are saying to you. He is going into high school this year and I want him to be successful on and off the court and am afraid that all of the time and talent that he has devoted to the game will be wasted because he doesn't know how to lose graciously and win humbly. I take responsbility in the fault of him. I have been a terrible, controlling, degrading parent to him and I have to change but struggle every day. My instinct is to yell to get him to listen and ground him, which does nothing. I myself get so out of control and say things that I don't mean in the heat of the moment that it isn't any wonder where he got it from. I know he doesn't respect me and nor should he after all of our arguments. I have to earn his respect and he has to earn mine -- but how?????

My Out-of-Control Teen

I never thought that I would have a problem with my son...

I am a mother in stress. I have been clean and sober for 27 years in A.A. and I am smoke free for 20 years and I am a retired teacher assistant and I enjoy my volunteer healing working with teens and women who need an understanding ear. I never thought that I would have a problem with my son. He seems to be the one who would be the one to succeed but once again I am wrong. I have 2 other adult children and they are just finding out that they totally messed up there youth by drugging and drinking instead of living and learning.

My daughter is 28 and she is in university in Montreal,Quebec,Canada. And my son is 7 months sober but is using the marijuana recovery program along the way. His first problem is Alcohol. And now my teenager is 16 and he has decided to move around from his brother's and his girlfriends house and he does not care about me. He tells everyone about how terrible life is at home...Please Help...

My Out-of-Control Teen

14.7.08

15 years of confrontations, fights, broken house items, holes in my walls, dents in my car panels, phones broken off the wall...

It is hard to take 15 years of confrontations, fights, broken house items, holes in my walls, dents in my car panels, phones broken off the wall, thermostats, broken off the wall, slat type doors broken off the closet, computer monitor punched broken, computer cables bit apart with his teeth. etc to get a good evaluation of my under-indulgence, all because he would not do what he was asked to do and did not get what he wanted.

philadelphia school system wanted him out of their school system when he was in the 5th grade. first year Catholic school said he could not come back at all. because of his severe bad behavior. I had to fight to get him into a private school to get the services to get him some type of education. after one year at the private school for mentally challenged children, I had to get the state of PA. mental health dept to get involved to have the school keep him. they wanted him out as he was UNCONTROLLABLE, he spent an addition two years past 12th grade to get additional learning, to have a 9th grade level of education. no he was never diagnosed MR.

His behavior started to get better after I had a breakdown of being called at work to come and get him from school because of something he did. not the first time. I removed him from taking all of his meds cold turkey, at that time he was on thirteen pills a day, some in the am, noon and bed time. this showed some, behavior improvement. noticed even by his behavior specialist, his comment was what is different about Larry he is talking better and even telling jokes that he never had done before. that's when I told him what I did with the meds. he was SHOCKED that I did it, but was puzzled that he now was doing better. ?????????????????????

he is demanding and always wants his way, I think this is because he was restricted in what he could have, because he would NEVER make the effort to do what he was asked to do. I believe this is part of his disorders of a fear of failure or a fear of not knowing what the out come may be. for him it is easier to not make the attempt than to try and have something be successful just to get it done.

any other way with him is just not acceptable, because it's not what he wants. he is always right, even if you can prove to him that what information he has is wrong, he says they don't have it right they are wrong.

when caught in lies, he says he's being used as the scape goat for everyone else's problems, where he got this from I don't know.

It is hard to give you 15 years of confrontations, fights, broken house items, holes in my walls, dents in my car panels, phones broken off the wall, thermostats, broken off the wall, slat type doors broken off the closet, computer monitor punched broken, computer cables bit apart with his teeth. etc to get a good evaluation of my under-indulgence, all because he would not do what he was asked to do and did not get what he wanted.

philadelphia school system wanted him out of their school system when he was in the 5th grade. first year Catholic school said he could not come back at all. because of his severe bad behavior. I had to fight to get him into a private school to get the services to get him some type of education. after one year at the private school for mentally challenged children, I had to get the state of PA. mental health dept to get involved to have the school keep him. they wanted him out as he was UNCONTROLLABLE, he spent an addition two years past 12th grade to get additional learning, to have a 9th grade level of education. no he was never diagnosed MR.
His behavior started to get better after I had a breakdown of being called at work to come and get him from school because of something he did. not the first time. I removed him from taking all of his meds cold turkey, at that time he was on thirteen pills a day, some in the am, noon and bed time. this showed some, behavior improvement. noticed even by his behavior specialist, his comment was what is different about Larry he is talking better and even telling jokes that he never had done before. that's when I told him what I did with the meds. he was SHOCKED that I did it, but was puzzled that he now was doing better. ?????????????????????

he is demanding and always wants his way, I think this is because he was restricted in what he could have, because he would NEVER make the effort to do what he was asked to do. I believe this is part of his disorders of a fear of failure or a fear of not knowing what the out come may be. for him it is easier to not make the attempt than to try and have something be successful just to get it done.

any other way with him is just not acceptable, because it's not what he wants. he is always right, even if you can prove to him that what information he has is wrong, he says they don't have it right they are wrong.

when caught in lies, he says he's being used as the scape goat for everyone else's problems, where he got this from I don't know.

What should I look for in a GOOD psychiatrist.

most of whom we have had before basically have given us lip service. " I'm sorry that our session time is up would next week at the same time be OK".

as for still being at home at 20 years old where do expect a child with this type of education working part time 8 hrs a week with no skills to go and live. residential placement is our only resource thru a hospital stay evaluation.

I feel Larry has potential but just doesn't know, neither does any one else, so far, how to get his brain to function the right way, to get that potential out for the betterment of everyone.

most of whom we have had before basically have given us lip service. " I'm sorry that our session time is up would next week at the same time be OK".

as for still being at home at 20 years old where do expect a child with this type of education working part time 8 hrs a week with no skills to go and live. residential placement is our only resource thru a hospital stay evaluation.

I feel Larry has potential but just doesn't know, neither does any one else, so far, how to get his brain to function the right way, to get that potential out for the betterment of everyone.

My Out-of-Control Teen

Kick Him Out

Wednesday night I told Chris if did not come home I would be calling the police and filing a run away report. He came home and was arguing etc. called me a b******* etc. and went to his room. In the course of his arguing, (we stayed poker faced did not yell etc) he was taking out money and fiddling with it which I that was strange and something was up. He said that we should be allowing him to smoke pot and to keep quiet about it and then he went to his room.

Yesterday my husband called me at work and there was money missing from his other wallet where he keeps his working money. When he asked Chris, Chris said yes he took it and that I was yelling and screaming and telling him I was going to kick him out. I have been doing the steps none of this happened.

Yesterday, I called the juvenile police sargent and he said by placing a charge on Chris for taking the car he would get a slap on the hand, go to the John Howard Society see a movie etc. and that would be it. His suggestion was to kick him out.

When I got home from work, Chris came home from his work and demanded the lap top computer. Demanded the keys to my car where he thinks the lap top computer is. I said know, he was yelling out the windows (with little children on the street to hear his f** this f**) calling me a f*** b***** I continued to say that I was not arguing, he said he was going out and I said you are grounded and that he went out on Thursday even though he was grounded and that we will start the clock again. He was getting very aggressive and slamming his fist on the table. He told me that he has listened to the stories that his dad and I had bad childhoods and that we wanted a different family life for us but that he did not care he does not want a better home life. I am to keep my mouth shut and let him come home stoned and to keep doing pot and that he does very little. According to his friend he is doing alot more and I know that something has snapped in him. ONly once this week did I see the old Chris. One of the things in your program talk about earning what the child wants, I have done this all along. Being an only child he has not been giving everything, that he had to earn what he wanted and we would help him out ie. taxes etc. He did hang around kids that everything is given to them.

He was getting more aggressive with me and I started to dial the police and he stopped me. I told him this had to stop that by doing what he is doing is making it impossible to live with and that he should look to finding his own place. He then phoned his friend's mother to see if she still had this room to rent out. There are 2 boys in this family, we have known them from church, cub scout etc. the older boy Chris hated because he picked on him and was a bully to him, the other boy is alittle on the slow side, Chris started hanging with these guys last summer and continues to hang with them. He joined the boy scout troop for his age with these boys. The other one heads up the group, who would have thought by him joining up with the club that there would be this turn of events. He had been in scouts for years, but started doing more soccer. Chris has been MVP for soccer for years, won the leadership award, last June received the Engineering Award at high school. When he was over at house last year for a swim the Dad (who is involved with Scouts as well) was heckling Chris. Calling him pretty boy, pretty boy to his face and out the window. He told me that he wasn't going back. Alex who is the neighbour to these boys convinced Chris to hang out with this group. Tyler tells me that this group of friends is going no where. Chris does not drink, he hates beer etc. He said he tried pot last year and truly loves it. On Chris's wall on facebook the older boy Andrew the one Chris thought was a bully has asked for his $110 for the liquor and food that he owes him. At Christmas, Chris told me that he needed Dad to go over and straighten Andrew out for him, I said talk to Dad when he gets home, he will help you. Later when I asked him if he talked to Dad, he said not to worry about it.

I phoned the mother of these boys to talk to her, last week I phoned her and told her Chris would probably becoming over to her house and that I had a place for him when we went on vacation. This week I phoned her when Chris was out all night and was suppose to be at her place to let her know that the kids were letting the door open and that he was not showing up. She told me that anything I had to say to her she was going right back and telling Chris that she keeps know secrets in her home. When she told her kids about me phoning she said that she was going right back and telling Chris if we met for coffee that she was telling him what I said and she also told them that she really told me off.

Last night when Chris was getting very angry and banging his fist on the table and demanding the computer and told me that he was going to get the keys from me and I started to dial the police. I used the steps things are going to change, we made some mistakes etc. He said who calls the police on their kid, that we are not to come to his funeral, he wants nothing to do with you guys. He phoned the mother over there and then the one son the bother boy Mark came over and he got his stuff. He told Mark not to talk to me, not to talk to that b*****, Mark said to me I didn't know any of this. Chris gave me the finger as he was bringing stuff to the front door. Any time before if he said anything that was not nice or alittle hurtful he would come back and apology and say that he was sorry even when he told me that he know he was still grounded. When he was taking the stuff, I ie his bedding etc. I said to Mark can you pass me that pillow because that is mine, he had asked me if he could have this pillow a couple of years ago to use because it is so soft, actually it was a pillow I have had since I was a kid. He told me that I could have the pillow when I gave him the computer back. I had bought a lap top 2 years ago for the family use and when Chris was gone out of the house for 5 weeks he sold it and borrowed the money from his friend and got another one.

I told me as he was packing that he did not want me calling people up any of his friends parents etc. and talking to them. I said I would not be calling at all. Last time left, I was calling Lorrie all the time and they were checking her cell phone so he knew. I would have to contact him and he would go for supper with us and to counselling and would be very angry. When he did come home, he said it was because dad was sad, then he said he came home because dad told him I was crying. He lasted 2 days and then he stayed out all night on a school night. I told him that he was not etc. I locked the door and told him that he was out until Saturday when both dad and I were home to talk. He showed up, but it has been down hill from there. Last night he was bringing up the fact that I did not let him stay at the house when we went to New York City and that everyone else's parents have done this and he took the car to get back at me. I was suppose to let him smoke pot all summer and have some fun and not say anything.

When he was leaving I said the steps made some mistakes, that things would change etc. and I told him that the door was open if he wanted to straighten up and fly right, we were here. He has this smart ass attitude on like he has had for months and I waved to him and he waved back.

I still have the lap top.

My Out-of-Control Teen

12.7.08

I have a son of 18 who now doesn't speak to his dad...

I have a son of 18 who now doesn't speak to his dad - they were very close when he was small, and stayed close even after we separated when he was three. However, other people used to complain about our son, and I fell out with another Mum who really scapegoated him - his dad went and observed at the school playground unseen to see what was actually going on, and thought all the kids were the same. His dad met someone else and they moved in together when my son was about 10. He was very upset and used to cry at their house, his stepmother has a reputation for being quite hard and tough, I haven't criticised her but this made me feel I wasn't supporting him, I felt in a bad position as I didn't want to undermine his dad. His Dad then altered his parenting style, and told me when A was 13, and seeing a mental health counsellor because he was depressed and hurting himself, that he previously hadn't set good boundaries and had always explained reasonably why things were right or wrong. I found parenting my son exhausting and awful at times as he wouldn't accept "No". I think that it seems as though Chris put his wife's kids before A; taking them places and going to their events (they were involved in events because they are the sort of kids who do things with others).

A stopped staying at his dad's when he was 14, and at some point his dad did give me money but he stopped this last summer at the same time that the child benefit stopped. He has never taken part in the taxi service kids like in their teens for instance, and hasn't been involved in the day to day rubbish, like being woken when he comes in at 7am or 3am, and worrying when he's not home. Now Chris (Dad) rings me very occasionally and moans about his son who doesn't return his calls, he is critical of him and of me, and it makes me see why his son (A) doesn't want to see him. A says that his dad leaves him sarcastic messages. A says he wishes his Dad would stop being such a prat, and he wishes he would stop too! I can't say A has been blameless and innocent though. He hasn't got a job, got excluded from school, has hung around for the last year, has told me he bullied kids at school, and has a complete disregard for other people's time and efforts, rarely meeting expectations. I think he's an unfathered child. Even when he's has positive feedback and encouragement (which he got while doing a music course at college) he let the teachers down, even one who offered him a job helping him to DJ (A wanted to be a DJ).
The whole thing is making me miserable. A hasn't broken anything in anger for about 9 months now, although he frightened me very much by thumping the kitchen side in anger right next to me (I have visual impairment). If I get angry he tells me to shut up, and if I try to raise issues tells me to get out of his room, or go away, or he walks away. He has cried twice recently, but it hasn't made any difference. He stays out at night, and treats his girlfriend really badly, his bedroom is the worst mess you can imagine and I kind of think that if he treats it like a 2 year old would, then I might treat it like that too, and go in and sort it out (in a way I could leave it but we want to move house and the estate agent has said that room is a real downer).

His grandparents have lost faith in him - my father always treated him badly (I think it's cos we were unmarried parents) but his paternal grandparents who used to be really sweet on him, have now had enough and when I last saw them they said I had been too soft on him, which my Mum says as well but all I remember is being on my own with a difficult child, and not wanting to tell anyone what he was like (because I knew my Dad didn't like him already and I didn't want them to know what it was like).

He's been one for staying away when he feels challenged. I come from a position where I pay the bills and the mortgage and it's my house, although it's our home, but sometimes, the constant disrespect, the filth in the kitchen, coming home from work to noise and mess just wears me out, and I feel that I've no energy. He sometimes wants to share things but it's at midnight or when I'm working, and I haven't got the health or energy then.

My Out-of-Control Teen

11.7.08

Help!! I want to hurt my kids!

My kids are driving me crazy. They are completely oblivious to everything I say and do. I want to hurt them and make them cry! I don't feel like this all the time, but there are times when I just have to lock myself in a room so I don't throw them through a window! My husband is no help, as he just thinks I'm "having a bad day" when this happens.

I have no friends, because no one wants to be around my children. I know it's all my fault for being a lousy mom, and not able to discipline, but now they're out of control, and I can't handle it anymore!

Online Parent Support

8.7.08

Hopefully we can get him back on track...

Dear Mark,

Thank you so much for your guidance. My wife and I feel great about the future with our son and feel this is the best $29.00 we have ever spent. Really looking forward into getting in your program. We will be ordering the CDs soon. FYI, I am a civilian working for the Army in Europe and our son goes to an American school on a base in Heidelberg. He is supposed to be a senior this coming school year but has earned only enough credits to be a junior. Hopefully we can get him back on track to graduate with the rest of his class.

God bless you,

Chuck

My Out-of-Control Teen

7.7.08

I am emotionally finished with these children....

My step-nephew's (16 and 13) are out of control and my step-sister doesn't do anything to rein them in. Over the past week and 1/2 they were at my house twice - once while we were on vacation, and once for a family cookout. Their mother was suspicious of them stealing some change we keep in a jar in the laundry room. As it turns out - they stole over $40 from us.

I am irate that they would do this. My husband or I do not want them at our house ever again. I told the youngest one that after it came out that he took some change and he said he didn't take it and was cussing the adults for accusing him. The youngest has been to juvenile detention twice ( for breaking into a school office and stealing candy) and the oldest one has been picked up by the police on more than one occasion. I would like some guidance on how I can handle this situation with out putting a strain on my relationship with my sister, thus causing strains with my parents etc....

Over the years I have tried to help this boys and their mother with money, school clothes, school supplies, trips to zoo's etc. I am emotionally finished with these children.

My Out-of-Control Teen

I believe my oldest son is dealing now and it may have escalated to cocaine...

I have two male teenagers. We live in an out of control neighborhood. All the boys are doing drugs. Mine too. They have all (I'm talking about approx. 20+ boys) been arrested for drug possession, criminal mischief--stealing things to get money for marijuana....now it has escalated to "sticks" and possibly cocaine. I want to try my best to stop it for my sons sake. I am aware of what is going on but don't know where to begin.

We are surrounded by drug pushers in maybe a 20 block span in this Brooklyn neighborhood. They convince these kids that dealing is the way to go to get easy money. So they deal marijuana and other drugs amongst each other and its a vicious cycle. They are all burnt out with no direction. My sons included. I believe my oldest son is dealing now and it may have escalated to cocaine.

The police department keeps arresting the kids in the neighborhood yet why are they not looking further into who is giving these minors the drugs to sell and use?

I do plan to address the Captain of the precinct regarding this but no one else seems to care. They deal with their kids getting arrested and it goes on and on.

My Out-of-Control Teen

17-year-old smoking pot and doing mushrooms...

My son is 17 years old and smoking pot and doing mushrooms all the time, my son's friend told me this and how everyone is distancing themselves from him but not the ones losers that are not going anywhere. The friend Tyler said he would help us in any possible way. Today Chris my son told me that Tyler said that we want to have an intervention and that he will not come home if this is going to happen, this was just said when I say him at the coffee shop. Tyler was telling me everything that is going on with Chris. I am so confused and so upset. He was with a girl from the store and I said to him to come home and not to worry I was not having one. When I was looking at your website and you were saying that this behavior was been building. I sat down and really thought about this and yes you are right. I have a strong willed child and had trouble with him at babysitters where he would not listen to them or the rules. If a parent made a comment he did not like he would be mad at them and pout. If he was having supper with them and they asked him to remove his ball cap he would be made. In grade one the teacher said he would not know when to stop talking he would keep on going and it would get the class going. He likes to make his own rules. This behavior seemed to be dormant in the last years, when he would come home from school and be by himself for an hour I was not having the complaints any more. From time to time I would hear the odd remark about him not listening in sunday school for one of the kids etc. The other night he told me that didn't I know he has been a bad kid all along?

In March, he was acting up out of control and did not want any rules here, that the other kids were doing their own thing and I was not letting him do what he wanted. I told him that this was my house and my rules and if he did not like them he would have to find other living arrangements. He was skipping school, he got kicked out of some of his courses at shop - co-op placement. He moved in with a friend who's parents split up and Brian the friend was telling his om off all the time and this is what Chris started doing to me. At Brian's he ran the street, never called us, out all night and coming in at 11:00 or phoning the mom and telling her he was staying for the night some where else. This bad behavour started back in Sept. he had a girlfriend and it was on again off again and she told him that she was going off to university and that they were the next thing to engaged and he was to wait for her and that they would have this long distance relationship. He would make out a time to see her to go to a movie etc.and at the last minute cancel he found out from her best friend that she had older guys that she was seeing all the time.

When they broke up in March, she told him that he was not her type but that the other girls liked him and that she thought why not but she really likes bad boys instead. He has a real ego problem his friend Alex told me today, that appearance is everything and he now went out and got a tattoo (now he wants to get it removed and redone to something else - skulls and bones) and the other month he was bugged us to buy him a motorcyle we said no so he went and asked my 80 year old aunt for the money. She phoned us and I said don't do it. Alex said he is getting very aggressive with the group of friends that he is throwing a fit if he doesn't get his way. They are all getting to the point that they are sick of it. Chris said to Alex he is not getting the respect that he thinks he should be getting from the group and now he his getting very aggressive with them.

Chris had a friend since grade 2 that in grade 10 beat a kid to death. I would see Chris dressing like this kid acting like this kid. This boy wanted to join the Crips gang and Chris thought this was a great idea and this was in grade 5 this kid would be telling these things at the sleepovers. I was horrified!

When Chris came back home after the March - 5 week stay at Brian's he came back, we had him sign a contract on the rules. He lasted 2 days and he was staying for the night at someone's house on a Sunday night and I said no this is the end of the weekend get at the books. Off he went, I locked the door and left a note on the door that he could come over at talk to his father and I on Saturday when we were both home to discuss this issue. He broke into the house and found I had put out his clothes on the bed with a suitcase. He wrote me a note saying that he was only staying out one night and that he was surprised to see his clothes ready to go and that he was sorry that he was not the boy he was before and that he would be over on Saturday.

The behaviour has not changed, at his work the supervisor is sick of him and his bad attitude he doesn't want to do this, he doesn't want to do that etc. She said he hates all authority. This was a kid that was a good employee always there working for 3 years now. He would be sweeping etc. anything to keep busy. She is going to reduce his hours because of his attitude.

Last week we were going on vacation, Chris has stated he didn't want to come on vacation with us. So we told him he had to stay at friends down the street at Jan's.. They are like family, their son is 1 year older then Chris and has his head on straight. He was yelling and screaming at us and staying it was just like when he was gone. (I think he was referring to when he was locked out the last time for 6 days. I never called looking for him when he was gone for the 6 days, the time at Brian's I was in contact with the mom all the time on what he was doing.) He stormed out of the house and told us he was not going to Jan's he was going some place else and off he went. I phoned the place where he was going to Mark's place and told the Mom that I had a place for him and she was very rude to me. I phoned Jan and said he probably was not going to be coming, 10 mins. later he was talking Jan's saying he would not be over at 8:00 like I had arranged but at 8:30. He lasted 1-1/2 day there. He some how had an extra key we didn't know about and got into our home and took my car. Jan my friend who's house he was at got a call from one of the neighbours about the car gone. She phoned him and told him to get the car back and to get his butt down to her house or she would be phoning the cops and she sat him down. He told her he is a every closed person, then he told her he was doing anything and everything that is out there pot, mushrooms everything. That his Dad doesn't talk to him and that I think everything has to be perfect etc., that he is just DONE. etc and that he could not stay there and be controlled that he needs his freedom and off him went. She called me in the middle of the night I called him and he told me that he was mad because I wouldn't let him stay in is own house then he said the comment like it was like before when he was out. I arrived home last night and told him to come home and we would talk, he said he was too tired to talk this morning I told him that I care about him and that if there is a problem that he showed come to us for help and guidance, he said I heard this all before and I have been talking to Jan.

My Out-of-Control Teen

She shows no respect...

Can you help my daughter is 16 years old. When she is out in public we have people that complement us on how well mannered our daughter is. Her drivers ed teacher called my husband and commended him on how respectful she was. However, at home with the family she show no respect for myself or her step father (who has raised her since she was 6). She break the household rules on a daily basis, Will only do her chores after a huge argument and one of us standing behind her making sure it gets done, she has stolen jewelry and collectable coins from me. Swears in front of us on a regular basis, and she has a very short fuse she can be happy one second, and the next second she goes off in a rage punching walls slamming doors. (and has gone as far as cutting her self). we have taken her to a few different counselors and were told since she would not do what they ask of her their is nothing they can do to help. We have grounded her on multiple occasions and taken away all her favorite items. We have talked with her trying to find out what is wrong. We are at our wits end.

My Out-of-Control Teen

I am implementing the 'learn to earn' and it works!

Hi Mark,

I am implementing the 'learn to earn' and it works! My son cleaned his room (he hadn't done so for months and months and always got upset when I did it for him). He asked to go to the video store and I said, 'sure, as soon as you clean your room, including under the bed'. He did it half way, and I explained when it was finished, we could go, and when he yelled, I stayed calm. He cleaned it perfectly and he got his video. (it has worked at other times as well.)

By the way - I set, and followed through on a consequence - it feels like an important milestone. He lost his phone for 24 hours for being rude and threatening. The moment I explained what would happen if he did it again, he did do it again. I think he needed to test if I meant what I said. After 12 hours without his phone, he raged, but I stayed calm and explained he could still use the home phone if he needed to call someone. Within 10 mins, he calmed and tidied up the mess he had made. When the time period was over, I explained this rule still applies.

My Out-of-Control Teen

5.7.08

They are getting sick of his behavior...

I have a 17 year old child that needs help. He is smoking pot and taking mushrooms on a regular basis. He is losing his friends, they are getting sick of his behavior. His is becoming very aggressive to everyone. If the person is an authority figure he is getting an attitude to them. He doesn't think he has a problem at all. Please help!

My Out-of-Control Teen

She called her brother a dirtbag...

My daughter still feels like she has no respect for anyone in our household; but believes she is respectful. To her respect means, 1. someone who is understanding 2. someone who has a good work ethic 3. someone who nice. She tells me that talking to me is like talking to the '6 year old Down Syndrome child that she babysits and requires a yes or no answer'. She's condescending to say the least, and if I ever said half of the things to my mother and father that she says to her dad and I, I wouldn't have any teeth left in my mouth.

With respect to the depression, I suggested that she see a counselor or therapist and she adamantly denied that she needed it but rather I did. She says that she has friends that would take her in and let her do what she wants to do but reasoning with her logically about consequences to her actions falls on deaf ears. It's infuriating. She called her brother a dirtbag but he got her a job where he works and allows her to be on his insurance policy to help her out with her car insurance.

She won't speak to us and ignores us or hums her way around us as if we have done the damage.

My Out-of-Control Teen

1.7.08

I am certain this is going to bring a lot of rebellion...

I have 4 children ages 24 - 14. The oldest is married and leaving an independent life. The 21 year old had drug abuse issues and is in the midst of recovery. Now we have two teenagers left in the house the fifteen and fourteen year old.

At this time I feel we are at a crossroads, we have looked for help thru counseling (church and secular) but to no avail. We have provided chances for them to keep a relationship, but the guy is extremely pushy and manipulative. He was pressuring her to have sex, we confronted them and gave another chance. But, again I received complaints and concerns from her teachers on how pushy and dominant he was at school. Today, we found pictures in her camera, naked. She has lost a serious amount of weight and looks stress out and owing him calls all the time. We decided to ban the relationship and I am certain this is going to bring a lot of rebellion and the such.

My Out-of-Control Teen

I just want peace and respect in my household...

My name is Rosemary, My husband and I are 48 year old parents. We are at our wits end with our 13 year old son, he is our only child. He will be starting High School in September. He is a loving, family oriented young boy. Outside of our home, he is respectful and everyone compliments on what a good kid he is.

My problem is that he answers me back, does not accept no for an answer (he will haunt me all day until I give in, which I do just not to hear him) I really enjoy doing good things for him like taking him places or letting him go with his friends, but I feel he needs to respect me and not yell all the time. Sometimes he is very antagonizing to his friends and family members and people can't handle him. I am very stressed over this. When I really loose it and yell at him, he knows I am at my wits end, he calms down and apologizes. I am really an easy going parent and a calm person. I want to control this now before he gets older and it will be much harder. Lately it seems to be nothing but arguments in my household with him. Is this normal or is there a problem with my son?

He does well in school, he is a bright boy, but lazy at times. He is very verbal and thinks that kids should have the same rights that adults do and he is very opinionated. I just want peace and respect in my household.

My Out-of-Control Teen