Online Parent Support Chat

31.8.08

i am becoming more stress and depressed...

i am becoming more stress and depressed at the moment. It also affect my job as a nurse i am refusing to go to work because i am always worried and can't concentrate. It started when they started to be friends with one of her classmate who's having problem as well at home. They started to drink liquor at school, stow away, boyfriend and all their reason are dad was being so strict. They're not allowed to watch tv during weekdays, they have to do they're house choirs before they go to school meaning hey have to get up early to do be able to do that. They're not allowed to go out, only when there's occasion or party. they said they cant even go with their friends but when i let them go out they end up not going home will not ring me if where they are. Because I am a 32 year old mother i can understand them a little bit and let them go with their friends. My concern is my partner for 3 years was so strict, think of a very strict person can be that's him. He wants them to be successful in life by training them as what he's family trained him when he was young. My daughter always blamed him for what they're doing right caused of him. I just dont know what to do i am in the middle and so tired of these fighting and arguing. Sorry to email you this long, is it right at this time i tried to be friend but still i can feel the barrier between us.
My Out-of-Control Teen

9yr old boy who has been treated for ADHD for 3 years now...

We have a 9yr old boy who has been treated for ADHD for 3 years now, but know something else is going on. After crying to the doctor and begging him to listen ( I am stepmom and normally he is not very receptive), they have placed ODD /or possible bipolar with it. He refuses to do his school work, goes off the hook if we make him do something he does not want to. I am a major reader and over the last 3 years have read so many things imaginable, to no avail. I came across your stuff, and am very hopeful.

My Out-of-Control Child

My son is 16 years old and this past year experimented with marijuana and prescription drugs...

My son is 16 years old and this past year experimented with marijuana and prescription drugs, and also got arrested around Christmas time for shoplifting a wallet. The most recent incident happened within the past few months when we found marijuana paraphernalia.
We have surrounded him with professionals and have talked a great deal about what's going on inside of him. I think a lot of good and healing communication has happened.
We have seen a real attitude change, but still know we are in the red zone. We are always concerned whether the consequences we're giving him are too much or too little.
A lot of his pain arose from social pressures and an inability to fit in and make friends in middle school. He was bullied, and he hid it from us very well.

30.8.08

DCS has now threaten to take me to court...

My thirteen year old daughter has been expelled from every school she has attended.I reached out for help through the Department of Social Services because I can no longer deal w/ her behavior. I also have a 6 year old w/disabilities whose well being I'm conserned for. My 13 year old destroys property, fights and does not comply to school or home rules. I had to call the police twice w/in one week for her behavior. She has also been expeeled from a boarding school that specializes in helping troubl;ed girls. The DCS has now threaten to take me to court because I can no longer allow my 13 year old aroung me or my youngest daughter. This is a teen that within the last year has pulled knives on me, attempted to strangle me, hit her sister in the head, assaulted the principal of her last school and other infractions.

My Out-of-Control Teen

29.8.08

I am the biggest softest sap you have ever met...

I do have a lovely boy aged 13 but he is classified as gifted and manipulates me and most people around me lots. He procrastinates, says he forgets and claims everything is too hard, very lazy, he drives me crazy. Always pushing the boundaries of everything. A totally different kid at school and with others – teachers say he is lovely caring, motivated, and mature. The problem is I can not follow through with anything. I lose my way, fall off the wagon so to speak and can not give any consistency. I put all his problems at home down to a lack of structure – I am the biggest softest sap you have ever met and both my kids walk all over the top of me.

Jeanette (aged 42) ready to send boy to boarding school

My Out-of-Control Teen

27.8.08

I have always seen signs that have bothered me about her...

I have a 6 year old daughter that I adopted from China 5 years ago. She is our only child. We know nothing about her except that she was found on the side of a road at 11 days old and sent to an orphanage with no heat and we believe that her hands and feet may have been tied to her crib at times. She could not sit or hold her head up when we got her at 11 months old, but we hired physical therapists and she is now a star in almost every sport she plays at her level. We thought the physical stuff would be our only challenge, but we were wrong.
She was always strong willed as only the strongest survive in the orphanages. She is very intelligent, in school, but more about people. In PreK and Kindergarten she got straight A's and the teachers told me she was a leader and would do well anywhere she went.
But I have always seen signs that have bothered me about her such as continually hitting my father when she was age 2-4. I thought it was a phase and did discipline her. When we would go to my parents' house, I would give her a lecture before we would arrive, telling her to be nice to her grandfather. She would go in their house, give him a hug and a kiss and turn to me and say, "are you happy now that I am being nice to your father?"
As she has gotten older, people have decided that it is cute because she is very small in size and she is tough, physically and mentally (and she is). She doesn't fear anyone in the playground even if they have 2 feet on her and defends herself and her friends if need be. She was never real warm and fuzzy toward people other than close family and I thought that maybe she is just that type of person.
Lately, there have been a few instances where she is arguing with adults or ignoring those that ask her questions, telling others on her teams what to do (using physical force if she feels she has to or yelling at the kids for doing something wrong). Everyone thinks she is just really competitive, but I am very troubled. Twice now, when I have asked her to stop doing something at the baseball field, she has picked up objects (one a ball and the other a rock) and threw them at other children. Thank God she missed in both instances. I did punish her for both things, threatening to take away sports, tv, etc. When I punish her, she seems more concerned with the punishment and how long it will be than feeling bad about hurting someone. She cries and tells me she won't do it and that she loves me, but she does it again anyway. Her lack of a "kind heart" toward others bothers me as I am the opposite of this - I will bend over backwards for others. I tried the approach of being extremely calm and telling her I wanted to help her through this. I asked her what she was thinking about when she aimed the rock at her teammate's face. She says she doesn't know.
I am thinking about therapy, but I don't even know what is wrong with her.

My Out-of-Control Child

I am nearly at a breaking point myself in trying to cope...

I saw your web page about your 100% guarantee. I'm actually a 60-yr old grandparent, raising a granddaughter who is now 17 1/2 and totally out of control. My main question is...is 17 1/2 years old too late for your method to work? I wish I'd heard about you and your ebook a couple of years ago. I'm feeling like it's too late to help her. My husband and I went through a similar situation 20 years ago with our daughter and now again with her daughter. I am nearly at a breaking point myself in trying to cope. I don't know where to turn for help. She is very depressed but refuses to get help. I can't prove it, but I'm sure that drugs and alcohol are playing a big role. Seeing a repeat of her mother is breaking my heart and I don't know how to help her. If you have time to respond, I'd be most grateful.

Thank you,
L.L. (Sacramento, CA)

My Out-of-Control Grandchild

23.8.08

I can feel that I'm about to "lose it"...

I met my husband in college and he was a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. I didn't know anything about his family background. His father was diagnosed as bipolar and had left the family when he was 13. Apparently, he had been abusive to his mother and to him, but not his sister. It was mainly verbal abuse.
When we had our first son I knew there was something wrong right from the beginning. He cried constantly and slept very little as an infant. Maybe 20 minutes at a time during the day. He was always very "intense" as you say. He could throw fits as a younger child that would last for a couple of hours at a time and we would be completely worn out dealing with him. It wasn't until his 4th grade teacher recommended that we take him to a doctor to be evaluated for ADHD that we did because previous teachers had told me that he was just very active and could pay attention when he wanted to in class. When we described what was happening at home they treated him for mood swings and things improved greatly. The number and length of the fits decreased a lot. In the 8th grade the doctor recommended that we try Concerta for ADHD and his teachers again told me that he had improved greatly in class in his ability to sit still and pay attention.
I know that my son can control himself when he wants to because he never threw fits at school. When I asked him why he said that his friends wouldn't like him if he did that. I guess he knew that we would love him conditionally so it was ok to flip out at home.
He is now in the 11th grade and things were going pretty well, so well that at the last doctor appointment my husband asked if we could try to wean him off the Lamictal. She said that we could and that's when the trouble started. It's been a terrible last month, even though he's back on the full dose.
Anyway, my husband is a good man. He is normally calm and is a very popular second grade teacher. A huge problem is that when my son acts out he sees his father all over again. He gets very depressed and says that he thought he had escaped that life of living with a "crazy" person. He says that Matthew acts just like his father did with the same intensity and persistence. I think that he needs to talk to a counselor about separating the two people. He doesn't want to talk about it. The weird thing is that his mother is a licensed mental health counselor and he won't talk to her at all about it. One time he tried to talk to her about Matthew and she said that she was too close and that he should talk to someone else.
Sometimes when I'm dealing with my son I can feel that I'm about to "lose it" and I will go in my bedroom to cool off. I will tell my son to leave me alone for a little while, but he will sometimes continue to argue with me and will follow me into the bedroom. There have been times when I've locked the door and he's kicked on he door until I open it. He's damaging our house. This happens usually when only one parent is home.

We laid down the law and took his driving privileges away...

About 6 weeks ago, my husband and I found out that our 15 year old son was sneaking out of the house at night while we were asleep. He was meeting up with some older boys - 17, 19 and 20 year olds that we have never even met. He admitted that he smoked pot with them. In discussion with him he has said that some of them did other stuff like ecstacy or crack. He has said that he would never do that but thinks pot is not dangerous.
When we discovered this - we laid down the law and took his driving privileges away (he was able to drive to/from school with restricted license before this). We also grounded him, took his cell phone away, and closed his bank account and put his money in an account that he cannot get to without us. He has a part time job working for my husband's business and makes good money. I have told him if he wants to buy something, I will get the money from his account and it has to be something he buys at the store with me (not going to drugs).
He has said that he quit the drugs and we are planning to test him but thought that it stayed in your system for 4 to 6 weeks. I have heard that the tests from places like Walmart or CVS are not accurate and I want to know if you can recommend the best way to do this. I have talked with his pediatrician and he has said we could bring him into the office for drug tests which would be the most accurate. However, I think I will need to test him regularly for awhile at least.
Then, we recently gave him a contract to sign to gain back some of his freedom. My son agrees to all the items on the contract except the one where we state that he cannot hang out with people over 18 or kids who do drugs. He says he is not giving up his friends but would not do drugs with them and would come home if they were doing drugs. We don't feel that we can give in on this - so we are at a standstill. (one item to also note is I got a new cell phone for him to use when not at home and I can locate him with GPS and I have told him that I will know where he is)
He is unhappy all the time and mopes around since he cannot go out with these "friends". He says he might as well do drugs, not do homework, etc if he can't do anything that he wants.

We have all been threw family counseling...

I have an ADD child Jacob 10 yrs old myself and partner Jeremy of almost 4 years do not have internet at home. We have all been threw family counseling and I have had the children in counseling for years before because of the relationship I have with their father was abusive and unhealthy (I left him when the children were 1 and 2 but he has never really left us alone) so I wanted to get the children on a healthy road early.

My Out-of-Control Child

22.8.08

He over compensates for the helplessness, loss, guilt and fear of losing all contact with his girls by over indulging them...

I am looking for some resources to help my husband with his relationship with his daughters. He has a very difficult and somewhat unique situation which is why I would like to know if you cover these topics. He has 4 girls ranging in age from 6-18 and his ex-wife is horrible. She is neglectful of the children, encourages and participates often in their bad behavior, and not only bad mouths him all the time, she leaves all the discipline and 'tough issues' to him and then goes against his handling of the situations further damaging his relationship with the girls. We live over 80 miles from them so the time he has with them is limited and she tries to manipulate situations to reduce contact further. He over compensates for the helplessness, loss, guilt and fear of losing all contact with his girls by over indulging them and allowing them to manipulate and emotionally abuse him, in my opinion, hurting the relationship even further. He is increasingly distressed over the state of the relationships and hopeless of the future of the relationships and his daughters' futures since they are truly becoming terrible people. Does your program address these issues for divorced dads:

--overcoming the bad feelings his girls have about him due to their mother's portrayal of him
--setting limits to make their relationship not dependent on how much money he spends on them or how many things he gets them
--helping his children and disciplining them from afar

We have faced or are facing issues like:

-failing school
-refusal to work and then making him feel guilty when he won't/can't pay for things
-withholding affection, love and visits if he doesn't give them what they want
-refusal to honor payments on things that they con him into buying and becoming nasty and -mean when he tries to get them to honor their commitments
-constant lying
-very poor hygiene and personal care
-lack of care for others and pets
-stealing
-drugs
-bad friends
-among many other daily trials!

My husband loves his children desperately and seeing their lives deteriorate is killing him. I want to help him to right these relationships and for him to help these girls get on the right track to have a chance at good lives.

My Out-of-Control Teen

20.8.08

Too Late?

I am writing to you from Australia and I'm at the end of my rope. I'm sure you have heard that so many times. My son is turning 19 and he is in jail. I dont know how to help him. I know it is probably too late for the teen help program to help him from jail, but I'm searching. I didnt know programs like yours existed online and I will be telling my church pastors so they can send people to you. I'm worn down and I'm hurting and I just want us to have a life again. My son doesn't seem to want help right now. We can only visit him every few weeks and he is too young for this sort of life.

18.8.08

We are at our wits end...

Brooke is 15 years old and attends a local High School. She was diagnosed as ADHD at the age of 8 and was on medication until the age of 13. I opted to take her off the medication after running a series of tests with her school teachers. I designed this test to determine the effectiveness of the medication. The results showed that the teachers could not distinguish weeks when she was on the medication to when she wasn't. The good news is that in term 1 of this year she has achieved an A grade pass in English!

Michael works in the computer industry in Sydney. He leaves for work at 6.30am and returns home at 7pm, 5 days a week. Sometimes he is sent overseas for 2 - 3 weeks. I have my own business as a bookkeeper/accountant for various business in the local area. I arrange my own work times with my clients.

At our wits end we decided to design a new approach which is similar to the suggestions in Session 1 of your videos. We have weekly family meetings in an effort to keep communication lines open and discuss any problems we all might have. For the past 2 weeks we have implemented the strategy of 'no more free stuff' and 'earning freedom'.

For the first week there wasn't too much resistance. By the second week when she realized we meant it and were not going to change our minds. She has badgered us, thrown tantrums, abuse, outrageous accusations all to which has been met by me with the poker face. This has only increased her anger & frustration.

A few days ago (Thursday) this reached a peak when she informed me that she was going to stay at a friends house on Friday night. With poker face on I asked her how she was going to earn the right for that freedom. She wanted to use the phone to tell this friend she couldn't stay because her mom was mean. Access to the phone was denied because she had not 'earnt the right'. She implemented her usual tactics as mentioned above which I responded with 'You seem a bit upset now, how about sitting down and eating dinner with me or go to your room and calm down a bit.' She then threw her head back and started screaming hysterically at the roof as if I was abusing her. I was detached enough to think this is interesting she's not done this before! I just stood and watched her for a while, when it was obvious she was not going to stop any time soon I placed my hand over her mouth. I calmly told her it might be a good idea to get some of her things and I would take her to her grandmothers for the night. She responded with more abuse and then tried to leave the house to go to a friend's place. I put my hand against the door to stop her from opening it. She turned around and bit hard into the inside of my upper arm. I had to pull her head back with my left hand to remove her teeth from my arm. I admit I lost my cool at that point and asked her if she was insane. She replied that I deserved it because I was a bitch and stormed off to her room.

I contacted the school on Friday morning (she is currently on a monitoring program for behavior and has approx 3 weeks left to turn things around before the school will ask her to leave). The school counselor talked to Brooke and arranged for her to stay at a friend's place over the weekend. So it seems Brooke has won and got not only her sleepover at a friend's place but the whole weekend! As yet we have not seen her but she is due back home sometime this afternoon. We've used the weekend to seek some advice and help when we've found your site.

We are at our wits end. We've been seeking help for over 7 years for this problem. Counseling through local health services have not helped nor the medication they had her on. We are at the verge of looking for camps or alternative accommodation for her. She's not happy living here with us and she's making our life hell as well.

My Out-of-Control Teen

17.8.08

She left home Thursday on bad terms...

Two daughters 19 & 17. Older one had a few issues that she seems to have outgrown. Younger one is more independent, secretive, and troubled. Two weeks ago she passed out at the kitchen table, my wife called emergency for help, she recovered by the time they arrived, and they couldn't tell us the cause. My wife became suspicious and searched her room - found incriminating notes (sex drugs), booze, small cigars, rolling papers ...We did the traditional thing, rage and grounding.

Our daughter immediately became depressed and panicky, and argued it was extremely unfair and would do no good. This went on for a couple days until a major argument broke out over submitting a urine sample. She left home Thursday on bad terms.

My Out-of-Control Teen

My son speaks to me very disrespectful and cussing all the time...

I have a 17year old son that is totally out of control. I have been trying different techniques with him...My problem is that he has a girlfriend 15 yrs old. Her family has very different standards for raising their daughter. She is on birth control and has been kicked out of the public high school. I have different morals then they do. I do not let my children run the streets and not know where they are. They do not just come and go as they please. I need to know where they are and who they are hanging with. My son did not come home for three nights and he texted me told me he was with a friend. I told him that he was to come home now and he blew me off. I did not know at the time where this girl lived but I found out that they had kept him and did not contact me. They were quite aware that I did not know where my son was staying. They do not think this is a big deal.

My son speaks to me very disrespectful and cussing all the time. They keep telling my son about getting emancipated and that they would gladly take custody of him. This to me is very weird and not normal. I make rules and he keeps breaking them. I have had my son picked up twice for runaway. I had them take him to crisis, which lasted 8 hours because of his age. He continues to push the limits. He constantly tells me he is leaving when he is 18.which is not until April. I have tried simple rules and that has lasted 3 days and it starts all over again. It is difficult to enforce rules because as soon as I leave for work he goes out and does not come home until late nite usually 10-11pm.

My Out-of-Control Teen

15.8.08

I have talked until blue in the face about the friends she picks...

I have spent the entire day on my computer searching for answers to my problems with my 15 year old daughter. Everything always took me to sites that gave information about homes, camps, etc. to place teens in, that is the last thing I want for her. I want her here (home) with me to raise, not a stranger. She is so smart in school that I couldn't dream of taking her out of her school, she was put up one grade and will now graduate at age 16.

I have talked untill blue in the face about the friends she picks, and now the boy friend she has picked. She picks troubled people to be in her life that I don't want her with. I am afraid she will one day ruin her life with the wrong one and after age 18 I can't "force" her to choose wisely- but should I "force" her now ?

I wish she could see this and make these wise decisions now about being with smarter people before its too late one day. Her new boyfriend makes very dumb decisions for himself and I don't want her to end up with a looser one day. I don't know how to get her to expect more for herself. I don't think a 15 year old is mentally ready for a relationship but all 15 year olds seem to want that.

My Out-of-Control Teen

14.8.08

We are at our whit’s end...

My name is Esmé, my son is Cameron, my husband Mike (step-father - British) and daughter Ashleigh (19) we live in the UK. I will give you the background:

We are South African and moved to the UK 18 months ago, we bought a village PO/shop. Cameron was an absolute pleasure to be around, good looks and charm, everybody loved him. Cameron started hanging around kids much older that himself – kids that live on an estate that had no discipline and boundaries so he started testing us e.g. Not wanting to have supper with us at night as a family, doesn’t come home after school but rather hung around the arcades in town, always moody and always looking for a fight so that he can storm off. We immediately started working with the school – let me put it this way, we were more at his school that he was, we were more at the police station than at home. We were knocking on all the doors we could for somebody to help us. Social Services, YOTS (Youth offending team) SAS (Drugs team), CAMS (physiatrist), police, Town Councilors and even our Member of Parliament came to see us at home.

Cameron was then arrested for possession of cannabis; he was so abusive to me that I didn’t recognize this child that was mine. Cameron started destroying the house and hitting holes in the walls, we advised by our local police officer that we should press charges to enable the law to take some action, this we did. Cameron was once again found with cannabis in his possession and had to attend juvenile court. Cameron started staying out more and more often and each time we would report him missing and wonder the streets looking for him. In the beginning it was a day, then 2 and eventually Cameron went ‘underground’ in this estate (nobody there would work with the police). Cameron did not attend school at all. At the time of the court appearance Cameron did not show up and we waited and waited. A Second hearing was called two weeks later. In the mean time Cameron lived with a boy the same age as himself (14), his mother and sister of 13. They all took drugs, the mother would give the children money to buy cannabis to leave her alone, she would smoke Cannabis with all 3 children, she ate base like yoghurt and any other drug she could get). Cameron started dealing drugs and got involved with a gang from Liverpool. To cut a long story short Cameron came home on the 24th of July and said he had enough of that kind of life – we overjoyed but very scared, we didn’t know how to handle him, we were very careful about what to say to him and listened, listen, listen while he told me the most hair raising stories, we said we would take life one step at a time – we want this family to be as it was. Cameron however went straight back to the Bourneville (estate) every day to be with his “friends”, I did say to him that maybe it would be a good idea if he stayed away from the Bourneville just to get better – he had lost so much weight – but he is still going there everyday.

Unfortunately Cameron became a brilliant liar and when he walks out of the door he is somebody different. Cameron has come home drunk, another day with cannabis, he would call a taxi to take him to the Bourneville, we certainly have not given him money for taxi’s, we have not given him money for months. We are having to report Cameron missing again and again. Last night at 11.30 p.m. the police picked Cameron up from a house in the Bourneville as high as a kite, when the Police and Cameron walked into our house I told Cameron that he was grounded for 3 days as I had warned him previously, the consequence of not coming home at the designated time.

Cameron had a very important panel meeting on Tuesday this week that was requirement for him to attend as part of his Court Order, he didn’t make it. Yesterday Cameron had yet again a meeting with a drugs worker, again this is a requirement of the court, he didn’t go and his excuse was that he didn’t feel like going. This morning before we could speak to Cameron he sneaked off again and yet again we have reported him as missing to the Police.

We are at our whit’s end, we have tried everything that the UK agencies have suggested and overall we have made no progress at all. The legal system in the UK is stacked in the child’s favour, they have all the rights and the parents and Police have none. With Cameron’s friends having been through the legal system they are advising Cameron what is not important to attend and if a meeting is important but there are little or no consequences if he fails to appear then he chooses not to go and usually smokes Cannabis.

Boundaries such as times to be home by, grounding, not to bring drugs into the home, not to steal from our store etc. etc. mean nothing to Cameron and he totally ignores them.

Cameron will have to return to Education in September but as he missed so much school time this year so far Cameron will have to attend a special program to catch up, again this he will not agree with as this consequence of missing school is to him unfair.

My Out-of-Control Teen

13.8.08

I have a 30 year old son, Ryan, living with me because he became a meth addict...

I just did a search on Opposition disorder because I have a 30 year old son, Ryan, living with me because he became a meth addict, a three time felon and is trying to get his life in order and has been in treatment 3 times, in jail a few times and has a probation violation coming up where he will get some jail time (up to 2 years for probation violation) for misdeamor shop lifting. When my husband and I set rules for him living in our house, he seems to have so much trouble following them and I began to think that he intentionally breaks the rules to prove that he can. I had the bright idea that he might have opposition disorder and ran across your website, it fits him 100%! When he was in high school; however, he was so smart that he could disguise it or play along to a certain extent to compensate and get by. I realized when he was 17 that he was ADD, but nothing was ever done about it and he had already started using drugs at that time. My son, Ryan, got mad at me if I mentioned it and would say I was trying to tell him there was something wrong with him and get angry so that's as far as I could get with him about ADD.

My Out-of-Control Adult Child

I’m just driving him nuts w/my rules...

I’m a recently divorced educated working mother. I now have custody of my 17 year old son – who wanted to live w/his father – but I was awarded custody. My son is on probation (should be getting off any day now) for possession of drug paraphernalia at school, and openly admits to drinking now. He’s not being drug/alcohol tested as part of probation. My son says his father drank when he was young (but the drinking age was 18 back then) and it’s better than doing drugs. He knows I won’t allow this in my house – I “used” to be moderately passive in parenting – basically I gave him the rope to hang himself. Now, he says I can’t control him 24x7 and he’s leaving if I put restrictions on him. Many of his friends from my middle to middle-upper class neighborhood have not graduated from the A-rated High School in FL he attends, and have left home already.

Since I’ve regained custody (12/07), his grades improved from mostly Fs to mostly Bs and he did get a job. He was paying ½ of his phone that he just got in May ‘08 (but recently lost his job last week because the business shut down.) He has a learners permit – but doesn’t drive. So my scenario is I have a kids that’s “doing better” than he was – but still not good. As he explains it, he’s “a lot” better, and he also explains, “I got in Honors classes and have done some of my summer reading - even w/a 2.3 GPA.” - BUT, he’s not ready to fix all of his vices. Technically, I haven’t “caught” him – so I don’t even know when to “punish” him – and he, like in the video, thinks he deserves credit for his honesty.

He sees himself as a giver and I’m just driving him nuts w/my rules (like I said – I’m relatively passive – so the rules are the basics.) He had a friend stay over last night, and I “think” they were up to no good. I was in the yard this morning and he came walking around the side of the house with a gym bag and backpack and he told me he wanted to see how the grass was growing back there. – Weird and not likely.

My Out-of-Control Teen

They do nothing but fight...

I am a young single mother I have two sons 13 months apart aged 11 & 12 they do nothing but fight with everyone and done nearly all of the things I just read on your website they are always getting suspended from school I've had to put them in different schools, I sent my youngest son to his grandmothers for about a month just so I could keep my family together, when he came home it got worse.

My Out-of-Control Child

He has taken money and used it for buying cheetoes...

I am Suma , mother of 11 year old boy wants to discus my son's very bad habit of stealing money. I need some tips to stop his behavior. The very first time he stolen money from our own house and when we found it we, me and my husband has given advice to him that stealing is a bad habit. Again he did that same mistake. Then we scolded him, beaten him. So he stopped taking money from the house and started taking money from other houses like relatives and friends. That also came to our notice, we didn't punish him. Very calmly we discussed with him that it is a bad behavior and ask him don't do again. After that , recently we got a news that he stolen money from his friend's house. When we asked first he didn't admit it. But finally he said that he has taken money and used it for buying cheetoes from school store. We are a middle class family. But we are trying to fulfill his needs.


My Out-of-Control Teen

12.8.08

Glen is completely out of control...

I have been searching on the internet since my son called me this evening. He married a woman about five months ago and she has three children. Glen ( just turned age 16), Teven age 10 and Maija age 7. Glen is completely out of control. He has been arrested for assault, is on parole. He has been picked up numerous times while on parole.....stealing, drinking, etc etc. He continues to fail his drug tests. He will not follow any rules, and only causes trouble in the home. My son and his wife have turned him in to the parole office many times but they keep returning him home. A few days ago he stole checks, etc and ran off. He appears at the house when he pleases...they have no control. Now he is trying to get my son to fight with him so he can call the police and have him arrested. My son and his wife just want to give custody over to the court.....PLEASE TELL us what to do....where to go..............who to talk to.........PLEASE......................

My Out-of-Control Teen

11.8.08

We have tried counseling and medication but no positive change...

My seventeen year old son has always had anger issues but because of his age and size it is now anger rages happening up two four times a year where he will become physicially violent. he does not do drugs but has in the last month started to drink..... His GP thinks that its suppressed anger that causing these outbursts and has made reference that it is a family trait on his fathers side of the family. My son is a good boy other then these outbursts of anger that could last up to several hours. I am scared that he will end up in big trouble with the law should this happen outside of home. He has gotten detention from school for cursing but never for any physical outburst. He is always very remorseful for his behavior after a cool down period, but thats too late we have already lived through the outburst... We have tried counseling and medication but no positive change...

My Out-of-Control Teen

I need some tips to stop his behavior...

I am Suma , mother of 11 year old boy wants to discus my son's very bad habit of stealing money. I need some tips to stop his behavior. The very first time he stolen money from our own house and when we found it we, me and my husband has given advice to him that stealing is a bad habit. Again he did that same mistake. Then we scolded him, beaten him. So he stopped taking money from the house and started taking money from other houses like relatives and friends. That also came to our notice, we didn't punish him. Very calmly we discussed with him that it is a bad behavior and ask him don't do again. After that , recently we got a news that he stolen money from his friend's house. When we asked first he didn't admit it. But finally he said that he has taken money and used it for buying cheetoes from school store. We are a middle class family. But we are trying to fulfill his needs.

My Out-of-Control Teen

6.8.08

My son just turned 12 and is completely out of control...

My son just turned 12 and is completely out of control. He recently got into trouble for stealing from a clothing store. The store didn't catch him, I did and took what I believe was the necessary actions. Yet him speaking with the police, store manager didn't seem to have any affect on him. He says he doesn't like acting this way but chooses to act bad just because. He's always been a hand full yet this last year has been the worst. He is so defiant, disrespectful to me his father even his 3rd old sister and more. We feel we have lost our son. My husband and I are having such trouble regaining control of him.

My Out-of-Control Child

5.8.08

She is going to cause someone real damage and end up in the judicial system...

I am a very desperate parent of a female "tween" (aged 12yrs 6 months), living in Blackpool (a seaside town in the North West), England. I have previously lived in London where my daughter was born and we moved to Blackpool, my home town, 2 years ago.

My daughter has always been "difficult" and at the age of 7, saw a psychiatrist in London who thought she had ADHD. Her father, who does not even agree that ADHD exists, walked out and therefore my daughter was left untreated. At the same age, the teachers at her primary school noted that she was of above average intelligence and at the age of 8 was doing the work of 11 year olds. Unfortunately, because of the education system here in England, my daughter was not allowed to start secondary school (age 11) early because due to the law, they are not allowed to, which has caused endless problems with my daughter and schooling. She is now at secondary school and again is achieving results of a student 3 years ahead and whilst they are trying to give her work to challenge her, there is only so much they can do.

Her behaviour is now at a point where it is totally unacceptable. She has violent rages where she will completely trash her bedroom, smashing everything that is breakable and making dents in walls and doors. On 2 occasions she has physically hit me. She refuses to do anything that is asked and has "attitude" all the time. She has been seeing a psychologist for this for the last 8 months and if anything, her behaviour has become worse rather than better. She is a highly intelligent person, she also thinks in colours which I believe is called synesthesia. There is also the question of a diagnosis of Asperger's which she is in the process of doing tests for but I am pretty sure she actually does suffer from this; she is very clumsy, she acts inappropriate when meeting people, she obsesses and is anxious about everything and is obsessed with everything being on time and will "flip" if it isn't.

The family dynamics are that her father left before she was born and the first time Alicia (my daughter) saw her father for the first time at the age of 4 and has had regular contact (every weekend) until the age of 10 when we moved to Blackpool. However, she has never had a particularly good relationship with her father although she does with his long-term partner and the twin boys (aged 2) that they have. The twins are diagnosed with borderline autism and are slow learners. The relationship between my husband of 2 years has been turbulent as he was an alcoholic, however he is now in recovery (11 months).

I am at my wits end with her and don't know what else to do. All the psychologist will keep telling me is that she will get worse before she gets better and she will be a problem for a few years yet - i'm not sure how worse it could get other than her actually killing me! I must also add that I am disabled with a spine disease and therefore unable to walk properly.

I can't defend myself when she hits me as she is the same height and build as me 5ft 8 inches tall and medium build (american size 12).

I am so desperate now that I can't even contemplate another 2 weeks of this, let alone 2 years and I am really worried that one day, she is going to cause someone real damage and end up in the judicial system.


My Out-of-Control Teen

4.8.08

The main subject is: lack of respect !

I live in London (UK) and I am Belgian. I am almost at the end of a Psychotherapy diploma course. Almost two years ago, after 25 years of marriage, my husband decided to leave home. He did this the day when both our kids, Alex (then 16 years old) and Nat. (then 14 years old) left home to go to boarding school. Nat. had already been at boarding school for a year but Alex just started then.

So, until the beginning of this summer holiday, both children were at boarding school. I have custody of both of them. The children have been brought up in high comfort. Even after the divorce, if I didn't want to give them money, they would go to their father and ask him. I am not in communication with their father, for reasons of emotional abuse towards me and he showed a lot of disrespect towards me in front of the children (I understand that I did allow being disrespected!, but it is about time I change that).

The main subject is: lack of respect !

Let me start with Alex (18): His boarding School allowed the kids to come back home every weekend if they chose to do so and Alex took advantage of that. The routine was that he saw his father for Sat. lunch and the rest of the weekend he stayed with me at home. He would come back on Fri evening with his dirty laundry and I would start the washing, he would be fed, his room was clean...I have a housekeeper who would take care of cleaning the whole flat and also come on Sat. to do the extra ironing. Due to my hectic schedule at College, clients etc. and with no support system (family in Belgium) apart from hiring a housekeeper and the guilt over the divorce and the impact it had on the children, I allowed Alex to feel very comfortable. He is a gentle young man and I don't have major problems with him, he is polite, doesn't drink or smoke etc...

The presenting problem today is that he will be staying at home for a year to finish a Biology degree (wants to read Medicine), learn to drive, shadow doctors in a hospital to acquire work experience, prepare his papers for Universities, interviews,.hopefully find a part time job.. BUT he doesn't help at home. I've already suggested he cooks the days I am working late, cleans his bedroom...Somehow, with having the housekeeper at home 3 days/week he gets away from the general chores even when I ask her not to clean his bedroom. What would you suggest I do in order for him to engage more: fire the housekeeper? (not helpful for me),.., reduce her working hours? Let him do his own laundry and ironing? set days when he is responsible for shopping and preparing dinner. My way of looking at it is that he has now become a lodger. Any advise would be the most welcome.

Nat. is a different problem and more severe. She is 16 now. She will start boarding again at the beginning of September and will go to the school where Alex went. Nat. has always been a clingy and demanding child. Definitely too spoiled by me (too good a mother!!!). The divorce had a horrible effect on her, due to the fact that she never really had a good relationship with her father since early childhood, being an absent father. When he left, she took this as the ultimate rejection. The boarding school she went to only allowed the pupils to come back home every 3 weekends plus half terms etc.., so, she came home during that time and saw her father on Sat. lunch time as well. She was extremely angry with her father for a year and a half and refused to meet his girlfriend for a year until the day she finally met her and liked her. She was also angry with me and would constantly verbally abuse me, being sarcastic, insulting me and I would take this all in my stride (horror) and excuse it on her difficulties of being a teenager with the hope that she'll grow out of it soon enough. Nat. gets what she wants, mainly trips to far away places with me, then her father, then again with her father. She is allowed to buy clothes and is already spending a lot of money on beauty treatments. She is helpful at home and her room is generally in order apart from her cupboards that are overflowing and messy. She is a good student and strives for the best. Doesn't smoke/drink etc..

Her presenting issue is that since I've met another man, she has been absolutely rude, obnoxious towards both of us. She would sulk, make us feel very uncomfortable with her remarks, her sulking, her comments and makes sure that we are not welcome in MY home. It just happened that this man has left me a week ago, one of the main reasons is that he couldn't accept the way she behaved towards us and mainly towards me (this was an eye-opener to me and I will thank him forever for having brought this into light). I expected some type of reaction from her when she saw me devastated but after talking to her, she couldn't see what she had done wrong and wouldn't admit to it. When confronted by me she threw her dinner plate on me and called me "B...h" . This happened the night before she left on holiday for 2 weeks, this time with her dad .

If I want to implement the sessions as you so well explain, how would I go about it with her? When she comes back on Aug 17Th, she is due to travel again with her dad for another 4 days which leaves only 4 days before she starts boarding school. Now, she is entitled to come back home every weekend. I can inform the school she is not allowed to go out on weekends. If I don't give her pocket money, she'll go to her father... It is a bit difficult to implement but I really need to deal with this problem. I even told her she might have to move in with her father, but, I know that he'll send her back quite soon to me and I don't believe it would be a good move for her.

My Out-of-Control Teens

I am now a nervous person, crying for no reason, not sleeping and so concerned that I may loose my daughter...

I have a daughter who is nearly 16 years of age, so very bright, everyone loves her, does well at school and has a great circle of friends. She is not experimenting with drug and only just become interested in guys. For nearly about the last 12 months, she is demonstrating “out of control” behaviour. Her language; which is directed and myself and her 13 year old sister is said with such hatred. My 13 year is having to catch the bus to my work as I cannot trust Amy Grace not to get angry and hit her as she has done before. I feel that it is impossible to explain exactly what we all have to endure each day. The conflict arguments and anger. I have tried sitting with Amy, talking, yelling back (I was ashamed) now it seems that I can only ignore of behaviour.

I am now a nervous person, crying for no reason, not sleeping and so concerned that I may loose my daughter. It seems that there is very little help for those in this situation.

My Out-of-Control Teen