Online Parent Support Chat

3.12.09

Out-of-Control Son

Our son Patrick entered this world miraculously to us and to various doctors. ( the phenomenon then almost 18 years ago was rare) Arlette's first pregnancy (Chantal 27 years) was traumatic, life threatening and dangerous for both. The second pregnancy +- 9 years after Chantal was born ended up into a miscarriage, due to complications, bad health, but also negligence from her then gynecologist. A sterilization,"cutting and knotting" of Arlette's tubes had to be performed. The surgery took place 6 days after a d.n.c. procedure was performed on my wife.

Arlette spoke with me +- 7 weeks after surgery and she said "I think I'm pregnant" My reaction was it is impossible, we must consult the doctors today. The explanation was, Arlette conceived during the 6 days before the sterilization took place. The pregnancy was without any complication and she carried our son to full term.

We have experience enormous problem, behavior patterns with Patrick since 3 weeks old. During the years we have consulted, psychologists, therapists. doctors, teachers catholic priests, specialists and recently psychiatrists to assist with Patrick's extreme destroying behaviour, aggressive, manipulative,disrespectful, abusive, dishonest, no respect, no regard for any rules or authority, and lately dabbing into the Occult, way of existing.

A few days ago on Holy Sunday, we told Patrick most of his possessions will be packed and removed from his living areas of our house. I told him he must now leave our home and find alternative accommodation and to start his almost adult life by himself. The abuse both physically and verbally and sometimes spiritually can not be excepted by us, his parents. The deceit, thievery, stealing, blatant lies, manipulative way of doing things will not be tolerated anymore.

Patrick begged us to come back home with us after the authorities (police) withdrew the charges against Patrick, for stealing and breaking into our home. This scenario with the police or any person in authority is a continuous saga since the age of about 12 years. His heavy smoking and drinking habits started from age 13. Patrick's drug abuse, dagga or marijuana, and other substances is now "killing" him.

The above is only a short version of our son's life that is spirilling down to the depths of hell. We need all the help we can find to help, guide and support our most complicated, difficult, confused and yes scared, challenging son.

My Out-of-Control Son

11.11.09

Out-of-Control Son

I wish to briefly (will make every effort) describe my son's behavior of late. He is 17 - will be 18 in May. He is a junior in high school. He was a perfect child - never grounded, never punished, never admonished for doing less than his best, a coach's dream - until he entered 10th grade. So none of these character traits existed prior to that time. They are not consistent with his upbringing or his nature as a younger child. I am Mom writing this but representing both parents - married 31 years and solid.

Experimental pot smoking began in 10th grade.

We believe he continues to smoke pot but we see no signs of more "serious" drugs or even pot smoking to an obsessive degree - though we abhor any of it and do not want to minimize it or appear to be unconcerned about it - just want to be clear that he is not using drugs like meth or cocaine (as far as we can see) that might explain some of his behavior.

He is never remorseful, never even makes a phony apology.

He refuses to get a job, participate in a sport (a very good athlete) or any club, program, group in school or church. Refuses to attend church - heretofore a lifelong activity.

No hobbies or interest in anything - we would support any interest he might have.

Dull, flat, vacant eyes.

Monotone voice - no expression, no joy, no humor.

Rage without cause and will create a situation to vent it if one does not come about naturally.

An escalation in pushing the boundary of unacceptable behavior - refusing to attend school, profanity without hesitation, twice in ER over the past 2 months with lacerations due to hitting glass panes in one of his raging tantrums.

Has flirted with physical violence but finally crossed the line last night and hit his father in the jaw with his fist - because he told him to come upstairs and turn off lights, clean up after himself, extinguish the fire - things he has been asked to do repeatedly.

Lied at the ER about how he hurt his hand - in fact lies about everything.

Self serving, manipulative, without compassion or empathy or conscience.

Antisocial behavior at home - not sure about his behavior elsewhere.

Teachers say he is respectful, quiet, not disruptive or belligerent at school - and that he puts forth no effort for school work - never his behavior in school before.

Refuses to bring friends here or provide any kind of information about what he does or with whom he spends time.

Hasn't had a phone for over 2 months - doesn't seem to care anymore.

Restricted freedom doesn't seem to phase him.

Completely avoids any kind of normal discourse - I enter a room, he leaves, I try to make small talk, he refuses to answer me.

He is delusional - is convinced his rage is righteous and just because of how badly he is treated and that we are just "mad because he doesn't like you guys" - in fact neither of us really take the bait anymore and have accepted his silent, sullen or combative and contentious behavior without much protest. Our fight has waned considerably while his has escalated to new heights.

Our 21-year-old son was challenging - operated at 4% of his considerable potential but remained at all times respectful, pleasant, engaged. Was deceitful and self-centered but displayed appropriate remorse and contrition when at fault. Eventually he grew tired of himself and his lack of progress and joined the Marine Corps. He is restored in his own eyes - which is all we ever wanted. He soars now - motivated, ambitious, genuine, disciplined.

So we know there is hope for this boy. We just don't know how to do what is needed of us or even what that is. We don't feel hostility and a desire to control him or bring him to heel like a dog - we want to reach him, to have a rapport, to lead a normal life with him. We both can tolerate some teenage rebellion and exertion of independence - we've already raised one son that gave us the routine matters - all of which seem like child's play compared to this, but even if we capitulated on every level right now and let him come and go as he determines without fear of any kind of consequences - he would not be happy. We want to do what's best for him - and we will not compromise our principles or be so intimidated that we abandon what is right in order to avoid his ire. It's a hell of a thing to be afraid of your own child.

I am not at all sure that he would help one of us if we were under attack. Not kidding.

I think he seems like a toddler - he has tried getting our attention by defiance and challenging our authority - that didn't work so he will bring out the worst words he can think of, the worst offenses he can hurl (staying out all night, not going to school, failing in school) at us and then the trump card - physically attacking one of us. That should force something to happen - because he is surely in this corner and cannot admit that he doesn't know how to turn it around and has no plan and things are just spiraling so he has to do something to make something - anything - happen. I may be completely off base but it's either something like that or he is mentally unstable right now - nothing makes any sense to us anymore.

My Out-of-Control Teen

9.11.09

We are at the end of our rope with this behavior...

My wife and I are grandparents to our five year old grandson. We basically are doing all the parenting and are having an increasingly difficult time managing the behavior of our grandson. Basically, we are at the end of our rope with this behavior as it is affecting our lives to the point that we have lots of friction, little serenity and very little fun in our lives. (Not to mention no personal free time what with soccer, hockey and homework from kindergarten!!!) We’re both work full time and are within a few months of being 60 years old. Houston’s antics are driving strife and discord into our life at home. Everything is a Herculean effort with him from sun up to sun down, and bed. He is obstinate, demanding and manipulative and lies (characteristics that he learns from his mother who I believe is a sociopath). We have tried to sort this mess out without any physical punishment to no avail; the behavior continues to be a excessive and disruptive. Houston (our grandson) will have zero potential if we just turn loose, but we have reached end of our alternatives. This is where you come in, if you think there can be a positive outcome.

I believe what is destabilizing our situation is the parenting plan which is in place the places Houston with his mom and dad on alternating weekends. His dad (my stepson) has residential custody due to Houston’s moms’ drug and other criminal issues. The dad has had drinking issues, is doing well and is aware that Houston is currently better off with us than with his mom which has led to all types of litigation trying to minimize her influence. Each weekend that Houston spends with his mom he returns home and we essentially have to start over mitigating the behavior issues, (yelling, defiance, not listening, lying refusing to go to bed, and arguing/negotiating at every step of the way). We encourage his love for his mom and avoid any disparaging dialog regarding her, but we’re pretty fed up with this cycle and it has become worse over the past years.

My Out-of-Control Grandson

6.11.09

It is her feeling of entitlement that scares me...

My daughter does not live at home with us but we are still contributing to her support. She has been through many treatment programs since the age of 14, has done just about everything at this point (drugs, alcohol, prostitution) but has gone to therapy and at this point is not involved in any of this (I don't think). She had been on many different medicines in the past thinking she was bipolar, but none of the therapists or psychiatrists believe that anymore. It is the environment that is setting off her emotional dysregulation. She has now started Strattera for ADHD and it seems to be helping although who knows if she is actually taking it. (I guess in the past they were afraid to give her this thinking she was bipolar). She is not living in our house because eventhough she's not doing anything terrible, she has absolutely no regard for our property and possessions.

The problem is that when I do what I need to do instead of walking on eggshells, she spirals. She cannot hold a job due to her frustration (although she is exceptionally bright), so she would then go straight to living with a guy. I could handle almost anything but lying and manipulation and that's what she does best. I don't know exactly when she is doing it since she doesn't live at home. I don't have it in me anymore to be a "police officer".

Unfortunately I have pretty much concluded that I am too close to her to correctly react to her actions. I really feel an objective case manager would be much better at this point. That way I give a certain amount of money, etc. each week and she can't talk me into anything else. Are there people that do that and where can I find them?

It is her feeling of entitlement that scares me. I believe that is what leads into the criminal personality. She always thinks she's working so hard that it is "unfair" when I am strict with her.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

5.11.09

I'm struggling between logical consequences & removing survival needs...

I have a 17 year old son who turns 18 in 5 days. He graduated from high school a year early thru an Open Door program, and has sat in his room for the most part playing WOW on the computer for the past 6 months, occasionally applied for jobs, but mostly sleeps all day and then plays the computer all nite. He and his dog had destroyed my downstairs where his room is, it was always trashed and a pit and all my dishes get broken or 'lost'. I had given him warnings a few months ago that come 18 he'd have to make a choice and what my expectations would be.

As of last Sunday, November 1st, I told him he must pay $250/mth room & board (I pay ALL his expenses), have a job with consistent income, and keep his living area CLEAN and any damages repaired. These requests are nothing new or a suprise to him, as he knew it was coming. On Saturday (the 31st) he was so mad that I was going through with this that he moved everything he owns (not that much) out to a non-working jeep he bought that is parked in front of our house. He is literally living in that jeep. His doggie he keeps in the empty wooded lot next to our house, and then puts the dog in the jeep with him at night. He has NO money for food.

Since last Saturday there have been a few opportunities that I took to show him I do love him but that I am serious about my expectations. I've let him use my car several times to go apply for jobs. I offered him lunch one day which he gobbled up. His cell phone was broken so I paid the insurance to replace it so the places he was applying for work at could reach him. He seemed to appreciate these signs of support however tonite when I asked him if we could discuss the situation to see about meeting the requests I'd given him, he said "I'm not interested." He literally is making this jeep his 'shelter' and seems to be looking at it like either a camping trip or a survival test that he can do. When I told him he could live by house rules or find somewhere else to live I had no idea nor intention that he would move all his stuff out to this jeep and live out of it.

But if after 4 nites of cold temps and little food he is STILL not budging on his resolve to live here rent-free, what do I do??? What in God's name do I do? I don't want my son to starve or to freeze at nite, but how do I get the rules across to him? I've never met anyone so incredibly 'something' , except for his father. To whom I'm no longer married. BTW, his father after the divorce chose to buy a brand new sportscar yet literally has no home to live in and is proud to tell everyone that his ex-wife put him in this situation - - he's the victim. Same scenerio my son is doing right now. And honestly my son hasn't had contact with my ex since he left a few years ago. But he is aware of his father living 'out of a car' basically... So maybe that's where this 'survival instict' or something is learned from I don't know. But I don't know what to do. I'm not asking the world, just that this practically 18-year old kid get a job, contribute a little bit to the household, and keep his living area clean and unbroken. I KNOW that's not asking too much. But if he'd rather live in a car than meet those rules, what do I do?

How do I 'discipline' this 17/18 year old without it seeming like I'm trying to freeze & starve him. I have changed the garage door opener code so he can't get in to the garage, am changing the garage door lock itself because I know he has a key. I am also removing the extension cord he ran from the garage to his car 'aka shelter' to power a space heater, computer, phone charger. These are things I am doing to remove the ease of living in his car and motivate him to get a job. He tells his friends I am an evil devil 'B' and 'can you believe she is doing that.' I know why I'm doing it and I always thought it was best to let him figure out why I'm doing it instead of telling him what the lesson is. But I'm struggling between logical consequences & removing survival needs.

My Out-of-Control Teen

I am afraid his future is going to be spent in and out of prison...

My husband and I have 2 sons aged 19 and 16, our 19 year old did give us problems when he was younger but not like this. Our youngest son has now been in constant trouble for the last 2 years, we moved house 2 years ago, at great expense, to a better area and closer to his school hoping that he would be happier being closer to his friends as he was a very quiet child who rarely went out. He became involved with some slightly unruly kids but I am not blaming all of his behaviour on them. He was in trouble at school, graffitti and constant low level disruption, which eventually lead to him being permenantly excluded and having to join a pupil referral unit where he became more involved with 'a bad crowd'. He has been arrested for graffitti, drunk and disorderly behaviour, affray, shop lifting all numerous times. He has trashed his room and other things in our house, stolen money from us, repeatedly lied to use, blatently disobeyed us, truanted from school and college. He is regularly drunk or at least been drinking and smokes marijuanna too. Our home has been searched by the police on 2 seperate occasions, once when we were at work. He has upset our elderly neighbours and other people in the area and its hard to walk down the street without feeling they are all looking and talking about us, now I have been told he is causing upset in a neighbouring estate by an angry mum whos window has been smashed. He always denies any wrong doing when he is accused of anything and always says it was someone elses fault. Our eldest son has been recently physically fighting with his brother in an attempt to control him.

My husband and I regularly disagree with how to deal with his behaviour and it is putting a huge strain on us as a family. I now feel like the only solution is to move house again to get him away from his friends but my husband is very against this. His idea of a solution is always to throw him out! I have been taking anti depressants for the last 18 months and last year I was off work sick for 5 weeks with stress. I am a nurse, and my husband is a construction site manager and we both work full time, we really are rock bottom now and dont know where to turn. I am afraid his future is going to be spent in and out of prison.

My Out-of-Control Teen

3.11.09

Out-of-Control Daughter

1) My daughter will not come home after school - goes over to her boyfriend's everyday w/o our permission
2) My daughter will not come home on the week-ends - leaves on Friday after school and may return for an hour or so on Saturday to shower and change and then leaves again and not home again until Sunday night.(had taken off this summer for over a week with this boyfriend and we had no idea where they were). Every week-end, we lay at night and worry about where she is and if she is safe. It is taking a huge toll on our health.
3) Skips classes at least 2 times per week (has been told that she is on borrowed time at the school as they were ready to kick her out 2 weeks ago for skipping classes). She doesn't seem worried about being kicked out at all. Never brings homework home and if failing over 1/2 of her classes.
4) We suspect her and her boyfriend of some drug use but not 100% sure and don't know how to go about finding out as she totally denies it and gets very angry when asked about drugs at all. She feels we don't trust her. Truth is - we don't. She has stolen $$ from me on 3 occasions and tells us lies all the time.
5) Our daughter does nothing to help around the house when she is home which is only about 2 hours a day (plus her sleeping time).

We have been on the verge of possibly sending her to a boarding school for awhile to get her school work back on track but don't really want to go that route. We definitely want to keep her at home and have her around. We just don't ever get to see her the way things are now and she is going to be kicked out of school more than likely and then will just be bumming around as she has no job. Every day is a struggle as she just will not listen and the fact that she is 16, means there is nothing we can do to get her to listen (grounding, consequences) except kick her out and we don't want to do that. We want to try everything else first.

We can only hope that she can see what she is doing to herself and will start to have some self-esteem and respect for herself. We are just at our wit's end right now.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

30.10.09

We told her she basically has NO privileges until she breaks it off with BOY...

We have been having trust issues with our daughter. I am in serious need of finding a starting point with her right now and was hoping you could help. I will make it as brief as possible.

She just turned 16 in July has been at least 3.0 student and been in her sport for 6 years. In comes "BOY" "15 with minimal parenting". Since he has entered her life she has lost most of her privileges, i.e. texting: because she was texting him in school and grades were falling. She keeps getting grounded because she says she is going to a friends and I find out she is meeting up with him.

Here's the clincher: Last weekend she says she is going to a friends for the night. The two girls invite the two boys to "sneak" into the house while parents are asleep. Boys bring alcohol and my daughter ends up having sex (for the first time - which I know to be true), My husband and I find out through the grapevine what has happened. We call all parents involved, all kids are in trouble, except of course "BOY". Who, by the way is constantly trying to get her to sneak out to meet him.

So, we have made a big fuss with all parents, my daughter looks like a big slut, her dad wants to dis-own her and all I can do is cry. We told her she basically has NO privileges until she breaks it off with BOY. Which is obviously a mistake because we most likely wont be able to stand by this and she just runs to BOY at school each day. There is no good communication in our house right now. I have told her if she wants things to be different then she should approach me with an alternative, but she has not.

I have heard from a friend that she is thinking about taking legal action to be removed from our house. PLEASE HELP me with a place to begin healing.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

16 year old son who was diagnosed with ADHD-Inattentive...

We have a 16 year old son who was diagnosed with ADHD-Inattentive at the end of last school year. He is a junior in high school this year. He is nearing the end of the first quarter of this school year, and is currently earning two D's, a C, and an F. He will be taking night school because of the F (it is in advanced algebra and his grade is too far gone to pull it up at this point). He is a very bright person (tests performed by psychologist who diagnosed the ADHD proved that), but simply can't/won't apply himself in school. We don't know if this is due to ADHD, attitude, or both. Several of his teachers say he just does not seem to care. He says he just does not like school.

He completely refuses any help from either my husband or me, nor will he take meds for the ADHD. We have recently forced him to start tutoring outside of school, even though it will cost us $100 per week, because it feels like he will not even graduate from high school at this rate. Last night, my husband told him that if he continues with this performance in school and poor attitude toward school, he would revoke his driving privileges. Our son (Paul) responded, "I could make you do anything I want you to do too, if I took away your driving privileges--It just shows you how powerless you are." Bad night....

We are at our wits end. We want to have reasonable expectations (the ADHD may prevent him from being a straight A student even though he has the intellect to do that), but do not know what "reasonable" is.... Failing school doesn't feel reasonable, that's for sure. He refuses any type of help, but also refuses to/can't successfully handle the work without intervention. Once we determine what "reasonable expectations" are, we don't know how to effectively enforce them and how not to turn our home into a battleground.

His behavior outside of the school situation it good. He picks good friends. He is home by curfew. We don't have any indications that he is drinking or doing drugs. He has friends that are girls, but is not involved in a serious relationship. He spends his spare time going out with friends (football games, Buffalo Wild Wings, etc.) or playing his guitar. In the winter, he skis and does ski instructing.

My Out-of-Control Teen

27.10.09

I have tried everything I know to try...

My name is Melissa Hamilton and I have a 13 year old son. He has recently decided I guess that listening to me (instructions and such), bringing home good grades, and not doing his chores is the route in his life he wants to take. I have tried everything I know to try...I by no means feel I have tried everything there is to try, but everything I know to try!! I know he is not a bad kid...just making bad decisions right now.

Let me give you a few examples of stuff I am talking about. Here a couple weeks ago I told him to be home to check in from playing with friends outside in neighborhood by 5:30 PM. He finally showed up at 7:12 PM and told me he decided to not come home, because I would probably make him stay home and do chores and he wanted to play instead!! He has always been a straight "A" student, with exception of an occasional "B"...so far this school year it has been a struggle to get him to complete his homework...study for tests...he is bringing home "C" and "D"''s. As for chores, he apparently thinks he does not have to do them....and when he does do them without an hour or more of arguing about it all...he does them half assed. (excuse the language please)

Everyone suggests sending him to his Daddy's house, or military school...something other than me dealing with it right here. I do not want to "get rid of him"...I want to deal with the issues at hand, and help him to become a successful person. All I know is I need help... suggestions... something, because the situation is wearing me down on a daily basis.

My Out-of-Control Teen

16.10.09

My 19 year old has ADHD...

My 19 year old has ADHD. And my 13 year old does. I have been having problems with him since he went back to his dads for the school year. He is not doing his school work, he says its boring, he forgot it, he lost it etc... Even after promising me he will do it. He comes here on my weekends and is highly disrespectful, has temper tantrums worse then when he was 3 yrs old. Gets withdrawn, blames his brother for everything that is wrong or for everything that he does. He yells at me and my husband. My husband has been more of a father to him then his dad ever has. I live 2 hours away and have no control over what goes on up there, my boys dad is never home and when he is just yells at them or ignores them or is arguing with his wife the same as we did when married. He is an alcoholic. My son says he doesn't have to do his homework because no one is there to make him. He can go and do what he wants when he wants. He says he wants to live here because we have food and we love him and do things with him, but we have rules and we make him mind, he wants to live there because he can come and go as he pleases because no one is there to make him follow any rules and he does what he wants including the fact that his room is not even in the house. A 13 year old!!!! But we have a judge that does not care(more like being paid under the table, but cant prove it, he says it is ok that my ex drinks because he is German and it is his heritage to drink beer) I run a daycare and am home all the time and have been since the day he was born.

I am at a lose as what to do with him and want to do something before the running away starts or the being in trouble with the law starts and I can see that happening already with the way things are heading. I have already found a letter about not caring about life, it was written over a year ago. He is depressed at time, some due to his ADHD meds, another thing I have no control over and get no where talking to ex, he will not listen to anything I have to say.

I also have trouble with my 11 year old, and will have more trouble with him by age 13 if something is not done now with him also. Living with there dad is detrimental to there health. They were not like this all summer besides arguing and fighting with each other all summer. We did have a few episodes with tantrums when they did not get there way, but since they have gone back to their dads, it has gotten severe.

I am positive my 11 year old has ADHD to, but to say anything to my ex would be an explosion and he would just yell and scream, he has already tried to punch me this year at an exchange, it does no good to try to do anything anymore. He does what he wants and cares less about what I have to say, not that he ever did. But if your program even helps while they are here, maybe they will carry that back with them there for school and learn that here the rules stick.

To bad your program can't help with an Ex. LOL I did stand up to him the day he was going to punch me and told him to go ahead and he backed off once he realized I was no longer afraid of him. But he still controls me to an extent through my boys. Just so you know, the reason I lost them is because the first lawyer I had said I could take them and move out when I left and the judge would not take them from me, well the judge did anyways and put them back in the house with him even though I had witness's to his drinking and drugs and his not ever being home. Then later, the judge let him take them and move 2 1/2 hours away from that family home and family town and their schools, gee makes since huh!

My 19 year old could use some straightening up to, but the only thing to help there is to get him away from his dad. He is starting to talk to me the way his dad does, the last time he was here I down right told him that he was not his dad, that I was not married to him that he was my son, I was the mom and I would not and will not put up with him talking to me that way, that I would smack his mouth that I did not care how old he was, that he better watch his attitude with me. He got better after that. Has been so far. But his mouth, language, everything else has deteriated since he went to AIT training in GA and moved back to his dad's and started working at the same place as his dad. He needs attitude adjustment. lol

My Out-of-Control Teen

30.9.09

Daughter showing clear signs of rebellion...

We have a 15 half year old daughter that for three years now, is showing clear signs of rebellion that will result in terrible consequences if we can find a way to better deal with it. Although she is not your "typical" rebellious disrespectful child who shows it to authority figures, she is very respectful and kind to her teachers and other adults, to us (my husband and I) its a different story. She lies about everything, and continues to as she has certainly seen over the years the measures we have taken in discipline. We home schooled her for a year due to incorporate behavior, failing classes, skipping dance class after school to be "around" boys and lying, the list goes on, but her teachers at the time as well as us had exhausted everything we could. She also was emaciated while we lived in Florida last year and sent to a center then transferred to a hospital adolescent unit, all which resulted in over $3000.00 again, she had another previous visit when we lived in Michigan to Toledo hospital the year prior for suicidal thoughts and cutting.

I know I may sound cold or concerned about money, that is really not my point, we are so tired of the "suicide cry" when she’s caught, the wanting to run away threats, the medical bills that are piled in collections due to "band aid" interventions, endless years of therapy from standard counselors to psychotherapist, medications, she is on 100mg of Zoloft currently and has been since she was 8 years old, not the 100mg but the medicine, NOTHING works, and we see her heading down a dangerous road.

I sometimes feel like I'm alone here with my feelings of anger that I sometimes question rather or not I love her unconditionally, I know that sounds horrible and is because I do love her and would never want anything to happen to her, but it’s like bracing yourself for what’s coming and I'm scared and angry.

We are a Jesus serving family and some of the ways we especially me have handled her, He I know is ashamed of me, and I even have an education in this field and seem completely helpless. Then we often wonder if we over react and make mountains out of mole hills? It's very difficult to try and try again to give enough rope so to speak and watch her "hang herself again", with the exception of the last year in half (Feb 2008-July 2009) we lived in Michigan our entire lives and just relocated back. Down in Florida it was the whole "adjustment disorder/depression" diagnosis, now what is it that we are back around family and familiars? She has had this pattern brewing even before we moved.

Her name is Brittani, sorry I didn't say that before. Brittani does have a biological father who comes and goes in her life and is ALWAYS the victim, not the adult who steps up, he continue to pound at her that "she rejects him", when in reality she has a much turbulent relationship with his wife. My husband Josh is fantastic to her and so much more loving than I am, she would tell you that too, she really couldn't of been more blessed with a step-father like him. Now from past experiences I grew up the same way divorced parents, alcoholism, and a step-father who was wonderful till I hit 14 years old and then it was hateful. I was mouthy, rebellious if you call it (not cleaning my room or emptying the litter boxes??? caused constant "packing my bags" to move me with my father? My parents never had issues of drinking or drugs with me and yet I was a terrible teenager. I got poor grades and had zero self-esteem, and then when I "barley" graduated from High school, I really made bad choices and got pregnant all to "show them". This is what steered me to further my education and go to college, I did and I clearly see the signs of danger and the same "spirits" that have a hold over her that had me? Hope I didn't lose you there, but I firmly believe that. Although we have so many similarities in our young lives, Brittani has stability, structure and a fantastic step-father, I had none of those, why is this happening?

We have a very limited income at this point, especially with just moving back, we really need to get something started but really don't know exactly what you would suggest. We also tried the series by James Lehman and that didn't work either, she isn't a juvenile delinquent child, who has stolen or disrespects authority, she is very careful who she disrespects and very sweet when you meet her, we both just see major red flags with the lying, and filthy talk with boys over "texting" that she knows better not to do because we check her phone and she stated to one boy she couldn't send nude pictures because we check the phone, it makes me sick and I'm so scared. Please offer some suggestions that could really help us understand what we are doing or not doing, is it true that there are just some people that are destined to screw up and really could careless? They really have no rock bottom?

I don't want to write you a book here, it’s too much to explain everything in a e-mail what has happened over the last three years, but I wanted to give you as much as I could, also she has done things with boys that exhibit promiscuous behavior, and we have forbidden her to date and just focus on making good friends and doing well in school and we find boys are everywhere that we ask her not to go, and she shows no self restraint in what we ask her. Again, Brittani clearly chooses selectively when to behave poorly and who too, which contradicts the first diagnosis from Toledo hospital that her "processing" is behind a few years, and she has ADHD, but very mildly.

We are terrified to be young grandparents, or have an addicted child, or have her "follow" peers and drive drunk or get in the car with someone who is and get killed, she just wants to fit in and so did I but I never did anything I didn't want to, I had the fear of God in me at a young age and was always to scared, she shows none of that?

My Out-of-Control Daughter

28.9.09

I am totally at my wits-end with my teenager daughter...

I am totally at my wits-end with my teenager daughter….she is almost 15 and rebels against everything.

1. She refuses to go school a lot of the time.
2. She uses me for lifts / money / etc.
3. She is abusive and swears if she doesn’t get her own way.
4. Has damaged her bedroom.
5. Has been violent to me in the past.
6. Sleeps out / drinks / smokes.
7. Expects me to provide money and buy her things – although she treats me badly.
8. Controls my movements – holidays – outings – everything I do
9. Threatens to run away

She is going to America for two week next Saturday and I hate to say I am looking forward to the break, however she has made it clear I am not aloud to go away whilst she is away – even though her trip has cost me £1500 in total….and I took her and her mate to Spain three weeks ago, I still must wait until she returns and then take her.

This morning she has not gone to school – she does have a throat infection and I’ve taken her doctors however she is already telling me she is going out tonight – I’ve said no and she ignores me.

How do I enforce discipline, if I take something away (privileges) she’ll refuse to go school tomorrow too and so on, it’s a constant battle with her.

She rings me at work and is abusive down the phone if I don’t jump to her constant demands….I can’t I have to work to keep the house going, pay the bill and put petrol in the car to run her around.

I feel drained by her all the time, it’s like walking on egg shells, it’s best not to speak a lot of the time, but then she accuses me of ignoring her, if I try to talk to her then I’m nagging and being nosey….she just causes arguments for the sake of it.

I need some help, fast….she has lied and turn all my family against me – I have no one to help me….the school are not particularly helpful – their teacher simply makes reference to ridiculous things!...like a persons name not matching their designer label clothes….it’s pathetic!

My Out-of-Control Daughter

6.9.09

Kortney has a very short fuse...

I have three children and two of them are great and I am at my wits end with my other child. She turns 14 today. I have punished her, taken away all of her priveledges and her favorite things that she enjoys and none of it gets to her. When I punish her, the other two have to suffer a little with her and they are great straight "A" students and its not fair to them. Just, please send me the out of control teen ebook and programs so I can download it and start it as soon as possible. I need to see some positive changes in her badly. I want to know that there is still hope for me to turn her into the person I know she has thepotential to be and please make sure that I don't get charged twice. Because like I said a charge has already gone through on the 4th and then one is tring to go through for the 8th. The one for the fourth has an order number one it next to my bank statement online, but the other one does not. Thanks and sorry for being such a pain. ijust lead a very stress filled life. My husband works out of state 16 to 20 days a month and leaves me at home doing everything and rearing the kids alone most of the time. I know I aqm not perfect, but as housewife it is my job and I feel like I am failing miserably. Kortney is from another marriage and she goes back and forth, both of our parenting skills are pretty strict. She takes things from us and others and doesn't think it stealing, she tells us that she was just using it and that's not stealing. I try to explain to her that if she doesn't ask for it or if we tell her she can't have it or use it that it is stealing, but she constantly does it.

I found a note from her to a friend on how to get back at your parents when they make you mad, explaining everything that she does to us. Which really burned my ass, because she always just shrugs her shoulders when I ask her why she done it and she says I don't know or I was just using it. Yet, I find a letter explaining all her devious actions in it to a friend. I feel lke when I take her places that I need to weigh her when we get there and weigh her when we leave, to make sure she hasn't taken anything. That is just a ridiculous feeling to have to have when you go places with her.

I admit that she has been a little spoiled. I just to give her alot, but it was generally rewards for good things, but on theother hand, my mother has given her everything she has ever wanted, up until a few months ago when she started disrespecting her and hitting my other two kids.

Kortney is extremely strong, she has been in gymnastics and works out alot. She is built like a bulldozer. She is getting increasingly stranger by the day. When her friends or people come over to stay or visit, she will go inside the house or to another room and sit in the dark listening to the radio. She wants her way and wants to be in control of everyone. I am sure that she gets these traits from me, because I am a dominator, a very strong woman. Had to toughen up when I was married to her dad. He was brutal. I took self-defense classes and crazily taught my children everything I learned, so they would be able to defend themselves, which isn't a bad idea, I don't think, but Kortney just takes things to extreme. She never picks or plays with her friends, she wants to be in control of them or the get their butts whipped. At this point, I am feeling like she needs to be stripped of all her bad ways and reprogrammed.

Her real dads marriage is on the rocks and when she goes over there, she intentionally makes them fight. Her step-mother is not a bad lady, but being married to him, I can understand her stresses. Kortney feeds on that. She has never tried to Stand up to Brandy, her step-mom, until labout a month ago. Brandy was mad at her about something and was yelling at her and Kortney turned to walk away to avoid the argument, then Brandy grabbed her by the arm and swung her around and ticked Kortney off and Kort jumped up in her face and started hollering at her ad her dad came in just in time to grab her fist right before it made contact with Brandys face.

Kortney has a very short fuse and I am hoping to lengthen it some and learn how to deal with her in other ways, using your program, instead of taking everything from her and grounding her. I just frankly need help... If I seem to loose my patients easily, it's because I do alot, but I am trying to destress my life. I have stopped hanging out with people who create chaos and live for the drama in their lives. I just can't take it all anymore. I am getting told for this crap.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

3.9.09

Daughter ran away from home...

I have a 16 year old daughter. She ran away from home a couple of weeks ago for a week as she didn't like our rules. Said she wanted her freedom. She finally came home but was only home for a couple of days off and on and then moved in with her sister. I feel bad for my older daughter as I don't think that is fair to her to have her sister there when she is so rebellious. We are both trying to stick to the same rules so that she knows she can't get away with things at her sister's either.

She just started school on Monday and already has 3 skipped classes as well as about 4 lates. She has a boyfriend that is her age. They just started dating about a month ago and things have gone steadily downhill since then. She stays out at nights and won't follow a curfew. She comes home drunk when she does come home. She has had the boyfriend over here and he won't leave even after we tell him he has to. They are both defiant. She calls us names. She now only calls me when she wants money - which I do not give her. She gets very angry about that. I have given money to my oldest daughter and asked her not to give it to her sister but to use it to buy what her sister needs. If my younger daughter has it, it will go to alcohol I am sure. She stole $60 from me last week but denies it. I know it was her as her and my husband were the only people in the house other than myself. She thinks she just come and go and do whatever she likes because if we don't like it, she will just leave which she has done. We have told our oldest daughter not to let her do the same to her and her husband. Our daughter skipped many classes last year as well and we came to find out that her and her friends were experimenting with drugs. She admitted to it after I found out about it. She said she is not doing that anymore but is drinking. We would tell her she could not go out and all of a sudden her friends (boyfriend included) pull up to the door and she runs out and goes off with them. She has a cell phone but won't answer our calls or texts. I have told her I will cancel the phone immediately if she will not answer us. I would have done this already but felt it was our only direct contact with her when she runs off as I kept hoping she would answer. She has caused much stress in our house. I have gone for counselling as I am having a very hard time dealing with all of this. The counsellor suggested we avoid contact with her for awhile and then if & when she does decide she wants to come home, we are to give her a 3 week trial period and see how it goes. Counsellor suggested we draw up a contract with all the rules/consequences clearly stated and have our daughter sign it. If she doesn't follow rules, she gets kicked out. I am so afraid of what will happen to her if we kick her out but none of us can go on like this much longer.

We have considered a residential treatment facility but we know she would run from wherever she was and that would devastate us for sure in not knowing where she was at all. We have tried dealing with this by asking her what she thinks the rules should be...she pretty much thinks there should be no rules and that we should just "trust" her to know what is right and wrong. Her boyfriend has no rules and comes and goes as he pleases so that looks pretty exciting to her. We don't know whether we should talk to the boyfriend's dad or not and see what his thoughts are. Our daughter and her boyfriend went out partying every night and came home drunk every night for probably 3 weeks straight. We are very concerned. We just need help with this situation as soon as possible as we are looking at all our options and want to do something sooner rather than later. She needs our help...she just doesn't want it.

My Out-of-Control Teen

1.9.09

13 was removed from our family into foster care by the authorities...

My wife and I are at our wits end - we moved to New Zealand from South Africa 13 years ago and to our dismay found that the discipline non existence in the schooling here - unlike South Africa. And we came to get away from the violence in South Africa. (Where my kids were exposed to seeing this - even to the point of seeing me being Hijacked at gunpoint outside my own home by four AK-bearing gunmen) When we arrived in NZ we had two children then aged 7 (son) and 9 (daughter). My son soon got diagnosed with ADD and started causing major problems for us.

After arriving in New Zealand we had another son who is now 11 and two years later another daughter now 9.

Within a few years my eldest son who was then about 13 was removed from our family into foster care by the authorities because of his violence towards us and his siblings. He soon got into drugs and we were unable to properly support him - Eventually at the age of 17 he was in trouble for Aggravated robbery and was jailed - he is still inside. - I always felt that he was not correctly diagnosed and that there was something a lot more sinister than simple ADD etc.

My younger son who we thought had escaped anything like ADD (or whatever) has over the past two years 'turned' and he has been in with the 'professionals' who have immediately labeled him with ADD and put him onto Ritalin (which has not made one bit of difference - in fact he seems worse). The school authorities in fact sent around a professional to advise us that he has got slight Ausbergers (which in some ways made some sense - but I do not think it is this either).

He now swears profusely and all the time and has resorted to attacking me and his mum with knives etc. I am on the verge of calling the authorities who no doubt will remove him from us - once again into the care of foster parents - and I am sure he will end up in prison too.

Life is not worth too much right now - and it just seems so strange that both my daughters are quite fine while both my sons have obviously got some weird. I am now believing I am a hopeless parent and that our daughters are just fortunate.

The law here in New Zealand has also recently changed and now parents are criminalized if giving their children a smack - and the kids use this against us as well. (I must be truthful here and say that I have never been a 'good' parent in this regard and hardly ever smack my children - probably to their detriment).

My Out-of-Control Child

22.8.09

He is disrespectful and unappreciative of anything that is done for him...

I am the girlfriend of a man that has a 17 year old son. My boyfriend is his biological father, Josh was raised by his mother and her now ex husband. His mother remarried a very young man 4 years ago, whom Josh fought with so bad that he had to move out of his mother’s home and live with his step dad. His step dad has recently been remarried. Mark (his father, my boyfriend) has been an every other weekend father for the duration of our relationship with the exception of a 6 month time frame when Josh lived with him because he was failing in school and his mother could not get him to do any of his school work.

Josh does not get angry, he does not react to you, he just simply refuses to do it. He just tells you no and he will not do it. I am not talking about little things like putting his dishes away or picking up after himself. He will do that if you ask. When is comes to school work, he does just barely enough to get by after hours of coaxing and arguing, if you have to work in the yard or you are working on a project, or he goes to work with his dad to earn some gas money for his car, you have to push him through every step, pick up the shovel, put the dirt in the hole, it is absolutely ridiculous the amount of energy you must expel just to get him to do anything physical. He walks off, you have to go find him and get him back on task. If you yell at him he laughs at you because you are so beside yourself that you can get no response from him that you have resorted to yelling and screaming, I think he gets a kick out of how hard we try to make him. We have tried to just leave him behind if he is not willing to come along and be helpful. He is stone cold. I think this child has some very serious emotional and social issues and we are looking for someplace to start.

He has had some counseling, he does very poorly in school, he is socially retarded when it comes to dealing with any adults. When he arrives on the weekends he doesn't even say hello. You have to get his attention and stand in front of him and make eye contact to get a response as simple as hello.

We have tried talking to him about his defiance, his disrespect. He just tells you he doesn't know why, he just knows that nobody is going to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Josh does not interact with anyone but small children. If there are people around us, he only talks to or deals with the very small kids, he has no interest in the kids ages 12 or older unless it is a teenage girl. Then of course he follows her around, but doesn't engage in any conversation. I have had several of my nieces say that he makes them uncomfortable because he doesn't say anything unless they do and then only answers with yes or no or a shrug of the shoulders. Every once in a while he will actually sit around and talk with us, but those situations are few and far between.

Today was the last straw. Mark and Josh were going off to work, Mark asked Josh to bring the ice chest, he said "he was too sore to pick it up, you carry it" and no matter what was said, calmly at first then escalated into yelling, he would not pick it up and take it to the truck, he walked away got in the truck and did not pick up the ice chest. Marks comment was, well this is going to be a great day. He knew what he was in for because Josh had already made up his mind that he was not going to be cooperative. Mark is not an impatient or angry person, he asks he does not tell, he always says thank you when Josh is helpful, Mark provides for him, anything that he needs, gas money, clothes, things for school, a computer, a cell phone, . This child has everything. But he is disrespectful and unappreciative of anything that is done for him or provided for him, he has the attitude that he has a right to all of these things. For years we have tried taking away the phone, the computer etc. He just doesn't care or he finds where it is hidden and gets it out when we are not at home. I am sure you have heard all of these stories before, at least he isn’t doing drugs or drinking or any of that.

Out-of-Control Teen

17.8.09

Her attitude & actions have come as a real shock to us...

My name is Cameron, we have a family of 2 daughters, my wife & I, although have have had normal family problems over the years things in general have been well with our family (or so we thought) since the last 2 weeks when we discovered our 14 yr old daughter had been lying to us about many things over the years.

Our first discovery was her school books with F*** written all over them which is shocking to us due to her christian upbringing, it was this discovery that lead to other secrets she has been hiding from us including a 13yr old school boyfreind.

Since talking with her & expressing our anger/concern her but her reply was "just let me go, i am not happy here, don't worry about me" etc, she left home yesterday (she never came home from school)

She has been in touch by phone & is staying with a friends family. I insisted she come home but her reply is "give me 2 weeks to sort out my life" & i will come home.

She has lied & manipulated this family into helping her & they were not aware of the full story until we spoke to them last night &are not comfortable with being caught up in it all as they have their own problems to deal with.

My initial reaction was to drive there there & drag her home but have agreed to give her 2 days then she is to return home, she says she will not come home until she is ready although the family involved has agreed to make sure she is home in 2 days but i doubt it will happen.

We are certainly not perfect parents but she comes from a loving family environment & she knows we care about her & only want whats best for her but her reaction to our pleas for her to come home are " i know i have hurt you, please give me 2 weeks to be strong on my own to show you i can sort things out by myself"

Her attitude & actions have come as a real shock to us & quite frankly i feel sick to my stomach, hopefully your book will help both my wife & i to deal best with the situation & whether we should allow the two weeks she has requested or get her home as soon as possible. (my thoughts are to get her home before she sinks deeper into any further destructive behaviour)

Its 2.11am, i cannot sleep & am at my wits end.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

11.8.09

He's been addicted to online gaming...

My son is 15 years old. For the last 6 months he's been addicted to online gaming and through this, he's got acquainted with some really bad company who are older in age, some of whom are school dropouts or just jobless. He's been taught to smoke, drink, go clubbing, sex etc.

He's also been taking money from home to keep up with his extravagant lifestyle. His school grades have deteriorated and his attitude & mannerism towards the family is getting really bad. We've sent him for a few hypnotherapy sessions to cope with anger management and we even had a Family therapy session but nothing seems to work. We've also approached his school teacher/displine master for assistance but until now, nothing seems to be really working.

The critical thing here is, he's been staying out (the longest period was for days at a stretch) as & when he feels like it, throws his tantrums if he doesnt get his way and spends hours on his mobile, even during meal times. We've spent lots of time trying to counsel and advise him on his bad company of friends but his friends mean the world to him. One phone call & he's out of the house despite our vehement objections. If we try reasoning with him, he'll just sulk, keep his head down & refuse to communicate. He's at times violent as well. It's really very worrying and we're at our wit's end. Nothing we say or do is able to make him see where we're coming from.

My Out-of-Control Teen

Son got mixed up in Oxycoden and Hydrocoden...

I have an 18 year old son that got mixed up in Oxycoden and Hydrocoden he said for 2 years he had been doing these. He went into the hospital for 5 days in June and the doctor put him through a detox program in the hospital and then told him he must go to an inpatient program as the success rate is only 2% that he could detox and stay clean on his own. Well guess what I found out today that he has influenced his friend to go to the doctor and get the same prescription for his drug habit and now I am sure they are both on this. They are I am sure selling this as well. Clint (my son) has not had any consiquences for anything he does. He makes sure he does not keep any of this medication at my house, as I have told him that I will have him move out if I find any thing to do with drugs in my home.

Just to give you some back ground as to how bad he was, he stole about $7,000 worth of jewelry from me and sold it for $1,000 I had to buy it back. He was dr. and pharmacy hopping I found over 500 pills without any label on the prescription bottle and I put them down the garbage disposal. I have talked to police officers, councilors and doctors. I now have this other kids grandmother (he is only 17) calling me asking me what is going on. After Clint got out of the hospital in June he started going to church was saved, baptised and attends on a weekly basis. he came to me and told me when he was younger our baby sitter ( a young boy) was sexualy abusing him as well as a guy I dated (not sure if any or all is true) Clint was going to councelors but is not right now because he is working 7-5 with this other kid. they come to my house clean up, eat and sleep. I was home schooling him and he still has one class to finish at which time he can not do any of it because he is too tired from this job. My other concern is that they are doing drugs and working in a grain elevator and on top of 2 story buildings (high on who knows what).

My Out-of-Control Teen

10.8.09

He is defiant, lazy, has to be told time and time again to do his chores, back chats, swears, and constantly blames others for his misfortunes...

I have stumbled onto your website after searching for a solution with my 2 teenage stepchildren. We are in Australia, and we are what they call a "blended family". My wife has a 15 year old son and a 13 year old daughter living with us, and we have a 3 year old son together. I also have a 12 year old daughter and an 11 year old son that reside with their mother, and we fly them up every school holidays.

I have been noticing a reluctance in the 15 year old especially over the past 6 to 12 months. He is defiant, lazy, has to be told time and time again to do his chores, back chats, swears, and constantly blames others for his misfortunes. He has not once in the 4 and a half years that I have known him taken responsibility for his actions when he has done the wrong thing. He is quick to blame others, which in turn causes more arguments over who did what.

The stress levels that I am enduring are probably not as bad as some parent who contact you, but they are significant enough to be searching the web for a solution. My wife has a much higher tolerance than I do, and I seem to lose the plot quite quickly of late, as my requests more often than not fall upon deaf ears. I find it easier to do the jobs I want done myself rather than get into a heated discussion over who washed and who dried the dishes last night. It is extremely depressing, and my wife and I find ourselves caught up in all the stress and arguing amongst ourselves about things that should be easy.

My 13 year old step daughter is spoilt rotten by her father who also flies up to us every month or so, and she is not so much lazy, but constantly asks for things and when she doesn't get her way she has a hissy fit, saying she never gets anything she asks for and its not fair and gives her mother grief. Here's the thing - if you are with one and not the other, there is very rarely a problem, but when both teenagers are together, they play one against the other until it all ends in tears.

I am not coping with this whole situation, and have found myself on anti depressants which could have been the result of work, every day stress, money problems - or a combination of everything. The last thing you need after a long day at work is to come home to a stressful, argumentative environment that you have no control over.

If your program will help me and my families issues I will be forever grateful. Please help.

Regards,

David.
Townsville, Australia.

My Out-of-Control Teen

My son was recently diagnosed with ODD...

My son J was recently diagnosed with ODD. He has always been stubborn, intense and argumentative. He has ALWAYS, even as a toddler, had NO problem at all going toe to toe with me. I am frequently EXHAUSTED from arguing with him about seemingly everything or nothing. Some days though, he’s great-and I mean really great. I get fabulous reports from teachers-always have-and he has a black belt in Taekwondo and was recruited for the team not because of his skill, but because of his positive and respectful attitude. We always check on him with anyone in authority over him and they all wonder why we’re asking. They always tell us he is a great, very respectful, young man. I believe them, he can be that way with me too-when he wants to. He only acts out with his father and I. No one else. Well, he annoys the heck out of his little sister, but I don’t consider her an authority figure, though it does bother me a whole lot. J doesn’t raise his voice with me anymore-he doesn’t have to. The face, attitude, body language, lack of compliance and mouthy words speak loudly enough to really upset me and his dad. We sure yell a lot trying to get through to him. Lots of times I DO get through and he will come apologize and for a while things are really great. Until the next thing hits whatever it is.

Your website talks about physical violence, screaming matches, stealing, and lying. J has never been physically violent with us even though he surely knows how. He doesn’t steal either. J went through a period where he did lie, but that was a long time ago. It would be helpful to tell you he’s 12 now and the lying was at about seven or eight. J is also extremely gifted intellectually and has NEVER, EVER had a problem at school. As a matter of fact, he goes to a gifted school and gets A’s and B’s.

I have been in therapy for years for PTSD and related anxiety issues and I have recently brought my kids into therapy-with separate counselors-so that makes 3-because I really want to be a good parent and I want them to have someone to talk to who is objective and who can tell me how to raise them better. My husband is military and the separation issues are a concern too. I am very blessed because our insurance pays for it. J’s only just started, it’s only the second session, and he has this diagnosis. J fits it some, but not nearly as bad as the stuff I found on the web including your sight. So that leads me right back to-do I have the right diagnosis? Can your book help me and can I use it in conjunction with his therapy?

I’ve never claimed to be the perfect parent and I am very open to wise counsel. I have to be. These beautiful children are precious gifts given to me by God who surely expects me to love them, take care of them and find the ways to raise them to be everything He intended them to be. This is an AMAZING kid. Sometimes I watch him worship and cry because it is just so beautiful to see him worshipping and at peace. I want him, and our family, to have that peace EVERY day. I know I need help.

Sincerely,

Heidi

My Out-of-Control Son

7.8.09

I have 2 teenage boys that are out of control...

I have 2 teenage boys that are out of control.

Jordan is 17. He has his GED but chose to go back to high school because his girlfriend was there. I am not sure what the status of that is because he started skipping a lot of school towards the end of the month. He drinks some but mostly smokes weed. He has had 3 jobs that all ended the same. He decides not to go in and I guess quits that way. Jordan is pleasant unless confronted with “nagging” and stuff.

Avery is 16. Avery has been in serious trouble with the law. Currently on probation. He has withheld findings on his charges depending on his behavior. He has been in detention for truancy. He has one friend that is a gang member over a year ago I saw the red bandanas briefly but that ended and I haven’t seen that since he got in trouble.That didn’t really startled him. He hasn’t really improved. Hates school. He has failed 9th grade twice. Currently he has an appointment at school to begin pre GED testing to get him into that program. He smokes cigarettes. He drinks some but also mostly smokes weed. He hangs around with older kids just as out of control as he. He is in counseling but I haven’t seen improvement. Avery is sweet to me. Hates his stepdad. He used to get along with him but he left for 2 years and has returned. Since then nothing but conflict between them.

They both in ways act much older than they are because prior to my remarriage to their stepfather things were rough. Their stepfather has had about enough and I feel like my marriage is in falling apart because of this situation. My neighbors hate us and want us to move. We have a strict HOA so I am always stressed about that. Actually I am ALWAYS stressed about everything. I think they make petty cash by reselling weed. I don’t believe they have ethics or good moral values. My husband last summer let Jordan work with him and that ended badly. Just this week he let Avery work with him and that ended even worse. They have a 5 year old brother that lives in the house. Two step-siblings who visit every other weekend. They just visited their dad (had 3 remarriage kids) last weekend after not seeing him for 2 years. That actually went well but it was a day and a half. I feel like I have to choose between my kids and my husband and they usually win. I am about to lose my mind. We live in a nice neighborhood. My boys don’t have to be these thugs they wanna be.

I am worried that my kids are too far gone to be helped. Have they gotten to bad? I don’t know what to do.

My Out-of-Control Teens

David has been diagnosed with, Aspergers, ADD, ADHD and ODD...

David has been diagnosed with, Aspergers, ADD, ADHD and ODD. He attends a special boarding school. He takes 36mg of Concerta XL and .5mg of Risperidone daily. He is basically an egotistical, lazy, oppositional, argumentative, self centered teenager who believes that he is entitled to every privilege and needs not put anything back. Fortunately, as his mother, I try to understand him and I do love him very much. I am divorced from his father who showed many of the same traits to a lesser degree then after David was born, he turned into a lazy teenager (aged 32) and I spent 2 years trying to change him and failed miserably. I am remarried and my husband Clive has cared for David since the age of 2. Clive and David clash, mostly because David is so rude to me and ungrateful, sulky and lazy. This gets Clive cross at how David treats me and the two have little to say to each other. I end up in the middle of them moaning about each other.

I try to keep David's behavior from Clive, but it has led to David realising this and he manipulates me and treats me badly. If I do tell Clive how David has been then David will blame me for whatever action Clive takes, I try to tell him that if he didn't do things he does life would be good. I try to arrange trips, and treats but he hardly acknowledges what I do and if I ask him to say thank you he gets cross.

David has the mobile phone, play station, and tv etc, all the stuff teenagers like. In return for credit on his phone, and pocket money he has chores to do but he wont do them, there is always opposition and a row, then it is done slowly and with a miserable heart. On Tuesday I asked him to move some small rocks left to one side after some drainage work. Each rock could easily be lifted by me with with one hand and there were maybe 20 so not a huge job. He replied that he could not see why he had to move the rocks. I suggested he should think about the things he has and as part of the family he should help, we argued for some half and hour then I got cross and decided to do the job myself. He came out after me making comments and I got cross and swore at him, (not something I have ever done before) and told him to go away and that I could save myself £30 per month if I did the jobs myself and that I would remove his TV etc and disconnect his phone. He left and walked to his girlfriend. Her family told him to come back and sort it out. He came back but not to do the chores but to explain that he didn't think he should do them because he knows boys who do nothing and get more rewards than him and his girlfriend gets more and she has to do very little. I had thought that he was going to appologise and get on with the chores!

I have since a discussed what happened and written a contract with David showing what he is expected to do - get up, do chores, not be rude and then have the rest of the day and evening to himself, and that he will get his items returned. David agreed and signed the contract. He has unfortunately still argued and done as little as possible with a very hard heart. I am beating my head against a brick wall. He has to argue, argue, argue! Compared to many you have met he is probably a mild case but he is making my life miserable. I have so many nice things planned for him and his girlfriend this holiday but I can't do them as I will be in a worse position with him if I back down.

David has previously had outbursts of anger and smashed windows with his fists (double glazed glass) and also attacked a teacher and had to be restrained by 4 adults at school and was suspended. when he returned to school, the teachers black eye had healed and David felt there were not enough injuries on the teacher to deserve the suspension and sanctions he had received. No apology from David. I tread a fine line, I am not frightened of him but it is in the back of my mind that if he loses it he could do me serious harm, even kill me. He wouldn't want to but he loses control, you know what I am saying.

My Out-of-Control Child

3.8.09

Out-of-Control Teens

I have been with my husband for nearly 8 years, and combined we have 6 children and all of them seem to be showing the same signs of disrespect and out of control behaviour. We have no children to each other, I have 4. My eldest is nearly 22 and moved out when he was about 15, then I have a daughter which is nearly 21,she moved out when she was 16. My third boy is 15 he ran away from home in May this year and I made him come home in July he was gone for six weeks. When he left I was devastated, he moved in with a friend and his family. Since he's been home he has told me that they miss him and they want him to come back (he's talking about the parents). He also told me that the guidance councillor at school has told him that maybe he would be better off if he moved back in with them, all of which I have since found out is not true. Then yesterday he told me he was leaving and going back there. The problem I have is that 3 out of my children have learning problems, social problems etc, and he is the one that seems like he can achieve all he wants. He has become quite overpowering, sneaky and dishonest since he moved in with this other family. Breaking the law is one thing that I have feared with him and he did it with the group of kids he is now hanging around.

I left the birth father when I was pregnant with my youngest and he has had no contact since, now my son is telling my husband you are not my real dad and you have no say over me, which is very hurtful to both of us as my husband is all my son has any memory of.

I am also having trouble with my youngest son he is 14 next month and he is doing everything he knows he shouldn't be doing and he is in constant trouble. I am hoping that we can achieve some kind of harmony in our home before its too late.

I read all the links and watched your videos and it was like you were talking about exactly what we are dealing with.

Out-of-Control Teens

1.8.09

My teenage girl is out of control...

My teenage girl is out of control. What should I do? I have been a homeschooling parent for the past 6 years. All was fine, when she hit teenage status things started to change. Rebellion kicked in. She started refusing to do work and/or lying about doing it. We started having conflict. I have always taken my children’s education very seriously. When I felt that my teenage daughter was pulling away to get even with me we came to an agreement to put her back into school. I was very upset with this decision but at the time I felt she was refusing to do stuff for me to get even with me because she decided she did not want to do homeschooling any longer. I put her back in school, I wanted her to do her best and show me that I was wrong to keep her at home. I noticed a decline in behavior and studies immediately. I talked to her teachers and counselor; they made some suggestions and also some conclusions. Jessica’s ability to do the schoolwork was there!

She just didn’t want to do it or didn’t care to turn it in. After a full quarter, the counselor suggested a virtual school program because she felt that it was a socialization problem. Jessica was more concerned of hanging out with friends then doing schoolwork. I would understand this except that the home school program we had allowed for plenty of socialization. So I didn’t understand why it was an issue now. Now that she is doing virtual school she has found ways to make it look like the work is done but in reality all she did was delay it. I am so frustrated. She refuses to take her schoolwork seriously. She doesn’t care if she fails. All she cares about is hanging out with her friends. I took that privilege away. I told her if she completes her schoolwork for the week she can go hang out with her friends. I found out that she submitted incomplete or failed assignments just so it shows that she did it. That causes an argument because she technically didn’t do the work she just made it look like she did it so she could go. Urgh……………….I refused to let her go, and she is refusing to do anything around the house or schoolwork for that matter.! What do I do now.?

She ALWAYS threatens to run away if she doesn’t get her way. She is causing a bunch of drama here and setting a bad example for her little sisters. I love my daughter, I want her to succeed… but I don’t want to enable her failure either. If I put her back in school she will do nothing, If I keep her here she will do nothing. She is 16 years old. Urgh………………………….!

My Out-of-Control Daughter

She tells me to go "F" myself...

My name is Connie and I have my 2nd generation foster granddaughter living with me,( her mother was my foster child from age 6 ),so I say my daughter and my grand daughter. She is 9 yrs old and is a handfull most of the time,the rest of the time,she is a warm,caring,loving child(25% of the time),the other 75% of the time,she is a demon from hell.She is very destructive,she tears up her things,our things,the walls,chairs,everything she touches,she tells me to go "F" myself(she says the letter not the word),she hits us,she screams most of the time,every little thing sets her off(makes her upset,mad,or hurt). If I put her on time out or restriction,she refuses to comply,if I take things away from her,she really don't care,if I not allow her to go somewhere,she really don't care,if I refuse to buy her something,she gets angry but rather than listen,she just forgets about what she wants.She will get right up in our faces(about 2-3 inches away) and scream and cuss us,then hits us. Her Gammy is bed ridden and in very poor health,and she does the same to her.She knows how to pull our strings and push our buttons,and just about the time that I'm ready to expode and string her up,that quick (alot of the times) shes sorry,shes caring and loving,she hugs and kisses us,I know that everyone thinks that they are alone and that their problems are unique,and I am no exception to the rule,because I have NEVER seen another child act like this.She does have ALOT of negative issues regarding her mother,and has a reason to be angry with her,so I do take her to a counslor,because I feel she has a urgent need to be able to talk to someone,and she don't want to talk to us about us. Her Gammy and I are both older and in poor health,so I cant take her everywhere she wants and I'm not able to do the things with her that she wants(my walking is very limited),but there are things that we push ourselves to do with her and places we do take her,so she doesn't do without completely. There is no father in the picture for her,she kind of leans on my son for a male figure,but he has a young son and is very jealous of him. She has very limited friends,she doesn't do well with more then 1 or maybe 2 friends at a time. Her mother is bipolar,so I took her to a psychiatrist,BIG mistake,the dr also treats her mom,he says she has ADHD with bipolar traits,I DON'T agree,if she was,then she would be like that all the time,no matter where she was,thats not the case,in school she is a model student and make the honor roll or very close to it ,she likes school.When she goes to a friends houe,she is very well behaved and uses her manners,if she can do it everywhere else then she should be able to do it here,but she knows that all she has to do is run from us,Gammy is in bed and I can't hardly walk most of the time let alone run,so she does get away with alot.Anyway,we did some meds on her,she cc/o chest pains after a few weeks and there was no difference in her,so rather then putting more dangerous chemicals in her little body,after several med changes,I said no more,I talked to him about the 3 step program,and he was in the fog about it,so no more drs. I figured out that if meds dont work,and she has no behevior problems any where else at any time,then the problem lies with us.I have tried everything that I KNOW,we did the reward thing,I tried keeping her busy with chores,but she refused to do them after day 2.Shes not using the F-you words so much anymore,but that was because of a big mistake,she jumped in my face and caught me totally off guard,so I smacked her in the mouth,she was so shocked that I put my hands on her in that way,that she is careful not to say it now,or at least not too close to me. I did apologise to her for that,I never meant to do that,and I do love her so very much,but it made me wonder too,that maybe spare the rod,is not always such a good idea,but honestly,I never want to put my hands on her like that ever again. This is only a small part of how she acts,you just wouldn't believe it all if I told you. She jumps on the furniture,she slams doors to cause things to fall off the walls and break,she trashes the entire house,she will clean her bedroom up(once every6 months maybe) and by that night she has it trashed again,when I ask her why she done after all her hard work in there,she says,"I was bored"',I could go on and on about the things she does.I really wanted to get your book,I have no where else to turn,but thats alot of money to me,as I only get $123.00 a month from the state right now,thats it ! I am going to apply for SS,but I haven't yet,so if there is any advise that you could give me,I'll take any little tidbits that might help,I would greatly appreciate it.As she gets older she gets bolder and worse.We can't take the verbal,mental and physical abuse anymore,but shes not a horse that we're ready to put out to pasture yet either. WE're at the end of our rope, and lost is all hope !

Out-of-Control Foster Granddaughter

21.7.09

My daughter is disrespectful...

I came about you website desperate for answers....all of the other troubled websites talk of sending you child away to a boarding school...I AM not at that point yet.

Briefly, I am an attorney, but a single mother, father is for the most part absentee...but for a brief period of time, have always lived with my mother and sisters, which is part of the problem I believe. While raising her, I was never allowed to assert my authority over my child or to discipline, because my mother didnt want to hear the noise would yell at me to stop it she doesnt want ot hear it, et.c....so the result of this was I had a four year old telling me If i yell at her she is going to call grandma to tell her...

My daughter is disrespectful, constantly talks back, degrades me, and looks at me in a wa of total horror and utter disgust.

I work two jobs and give her everything...she goes to private school, I have a car, she gets nice gifts, etc...

What was the final straw....last night my mother told me that not once has she ever had one of us talk to her disrespectful (this is true..there are 6 of us) and that she has to bite the sides of her face cause she wants to discipline her, but has "never" interfered" and she told me I was an unfit mother...I am heartbroken.......

I am too close to putting her in foster care, becaue she is the second person who has told me I am unfit... I feel like giving up...

I had called a child psychiatrist...who never called me back...

My Out-of-Control Daughter

20.7.09

Son does not appreciate anything...

My son has gotten to the point where he does not appreciate anything! He expects it. I raised him and told him that in life you have to work for what you want. My question is this... My son is going on a retreat with the church for a week. I only let him go so maybe he would listen and we could have some peace. I have already taken everything away, tv, computer, cell phone the car. My husband and I are planning on cleaning his room out while he is gone. When he gets back there will be a mattress a dresser in his room. We are moving the tv and his music out of his room. I told him that as a parent I only have to provide a roof over his head, basic clothes on his back and food on the table. Everything else is a luxury. Am I or should I say WE being too hard or overdramatic? My friend says no she had to lay down the law with her 14 year old daughter. I am a nurse, but I do not work peds and the text books can tell you alot, but the truth is experience works best for me. Please let me know what you think. Your description for a out of control teen fits my child! Disrespectful to us (only), defiant, lying stealing from us and his brother. jealousy rage huge temper tantrums and he's 17! I am sure you have heard it all, but I thought I was dealing with it, but the past two years things have totally escalated! I feel they may have been present earlier, but not to this intensity. He tells us he hates us and he can't wait to move out. Please help, I am a full time nurse (LPN), full time student (RN) and a mother of two boys at home and a husband who has terminal stage IV cancer. So this is very difficult on him and me. I am the only one working d/t my husbands dx two years ago.

My Out-of-Control Teen

16.7.09

Out-of-Control Granddaughter

As a christian I have been praying for my grandaughter who is 11 years of age because she has been a difficulty for my daughter. My daughter has had on going problems with diciplining her and last night my daughter calls me out of desperation and said that they got into a physical fight because Janessa (my grandaughter) refused to get off of her brothers bed and they continued to challenge each other until it got physical. Janessa is about the same size as my daughter now so you could imagine what that must have been like.

I asked my daughter to have someone pick Janessa up so they could both cool off. A friend came over and invited Janessa over to her home as she lives close by. I live 2 hours away and I could not get there to diffuse the situation. Janessa did not even want to talk to me last night on the phone and that got me worried.

Janessa has had these out bursts of defiance before and it seems to be getting worse. Her background is that she is being raised primarily by her mother. She hardly sees her father even though he makes some contact with her. Janessa and her mother has been to counseling and Janessa is on some kind of medication for bed wetting and behavior modification.

I try to spend as much time as I can with her but many times lately when I talk to her or ask her to do something she is silent for a very long time and I even have to sweet talk her into doing certain things and she eventually does them but with alot of love and coaxing.

My Out-of-Control Granddaughter