Online Parent Support Chat

8.3.09

I've been having problems with this child since I've been married to his father...

This past Saturday I told my DH of six years I couldn't live in a house where lying and dishonesty was the norm. I told him I had the right to have rules in place and that they be followed. I told him his 14 year old son does not possess the qualities of an Eagle Scout with his lying and dishonesty. Consequences now, not in the future needed to be handed down. After much thought DH agreed to the some of the above and even stated rules were in place, I don't know what rules he is referring to, since I have written some rules twice and DH wouldn't even consider them and didn't want them POSTED where his son could see them!

I've been having problems with this child since I've been married to his father. I believe most of it is due to the fact stepson is ADD and didn't want me in their life. His father is a high school teacher, married for the first time at age 40, had his one and only child at 42 and his bipolar wife divorced him three years after their wedding date. My DH has physcial custody of his son, but the mother controls just about every aspect of her son's upbringing. There is no consequences for lying, dishonesty, or disrespect. My DH does not support me in the disciplining of his son. When I tried DH gives me excuses for his son "it's his age; it's because he's a boy; leave him alone, he's doing just fine!" In his subtle way he has shown his son I'm no one to be reckoned with and don't listen to her. He may not have intentionally done so, but his son got the message and so doesn't do as I ask.

I have disengaged myself from this child since he will not do as I ask, I go to his father to get him to tell his son to do his chores. Stepson's room is a disaster area. He has been told many times to clean his room up. As a Boy Scout, this child has not learned anything from any of the merit badges he has earned. His behavior has not changed. He has lied to us so many times. I have told him lying is wrong, a Christian Boy Scout is to be honest, truthful and trustworthy. He is also to be clean. Stepson ignores everything I say. He cannot follow my verbal or written direction. He is constantly forgetting to do his chores, his homework assignments, writing down his assignments so his father can view them, turning in papers in a timely manner and so forth. Stepson does not argue or yell. We are thinking since he has four F's in his academic classes, he must be depressed about something. His teachers say he is in another world and wastes lots of time in class.

I know stepson didn't want me in his life or his dad's for that matter. He was tired of being a ping pong ball going back and forward between his parents. There was a lot of yelling and shouting between the two over stepson, but things have been pretty calm for the past two years. I believe and I'm just speculating, stepson's mother has been pushing him to go live with her since he was about 12. She has told him when he's 13 or 14 he can make that decision to move in with her. Since she is bipolar, she is on SSI and doesn't work outside the home. (I work outside the home 1 day a week, I have been home three afternoons when stepson came home, stepson is with mother one afternoon during the week) She claims she has heart disease (she's in her 40's) and now possibly MS which is affecting her speech. I believe stepson is torn between the two and doesn't want to make this decision of moving because of the effect it will have on his dad, but he doesn't want to disappoint his mother either. But I could be way off base here. We are in the process of seeing a Child Pysch who will evaluate stepson and see what medication could be given to help with his ADD (or determine if he is still ADD) and energize him.

I raised two boys in my first marriage and didn't have this kind of trouble with them. I had rules and they knew what they were. They each had chores and did them. They were told what was expected of them and they did it. Each of my sons had a learning disabilty, my youngest also had a speech impediment. But each son knew we didn't accept D's or F's. C or above was acceptable. If they brought home a good report card they were rewarded for it. Stepson always had A's and B's through grade school until 5th grade. Then his handwriting got sloppy and his spelling went south. His father will not reward him for good grades, even now. So I'm at a loss as to what to do with stepson and his father.

My Out-of-Control Teen

No comments: