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20.3.09

Out Of Control Daughter

We started dealing with the disrespect from out daughter at the end part of her being 14. we didn't always handle it the way we should have----but soon had learned to ignore some of the things coming out of her mouth and letting her know we weren't going to argue with her. Well she is now almost 17 and we have seen alot of progress. over a year ago she was allowed to go to a friends house on New Years eve----what happened is she decided to leave that place with a boy she didn't really know well and go to a drinking party----she got smashed. I picked her up from the friends house at 5:00am when the parents found out what had happened----we let her go to bed and dealt with it the next day after she was sober. She was not allowed to lay around and sleep the next day she was kept up and busy. We ended up grounding her from activities and phone privelages for the month of January. Now mind you in that months time her grades dropped. I didn't understand as she had nothing else to do. She isn't a real self motivator in doing homework mind you. So after reading some of your ebook I am thinking maybe a month wasn't the thing to do? However she hasn't repeated her wrong doing since. Ok SO----we have seen improvements in her since her 15th year of life. She turned 16 in April of 08 and was told her whole 15th year of life that if she didn't start showing us maturity and responsibility that she would not be allowed behind the wheel of a car and would not be getting her license on her 16th b-day. Well she apparently didn't believe us---her birthday came and went and she didn't get her license. Her drivers ed certificate had expired in July so therefore she would have to drive with an instructor in order to get her license. So in October we decided she had earned trying for her license. the first try she had too many mistakes. 2 weeks later though she did pass it. She now has her license. Ok then about 2 weeks ago her purse was sitting on the love seat before school and it was pretty big----something told me to look in there---so I did. She had gym clothes in there as she refuses to use a book bag---why? I have no idea. Anyway I also seen in there this little tin gift card box----it didn't look familiar at all---it was tapes shut. So I opened it up and in there was 3 cigarettes. Mind you she has been raised that smoking is just gross and states that to us from time to time. I have never smelled smoke on her. So I removed the case from her purse that morning saying nothing to her and the bus was almost to our house. She got home from school that day and we said nothing about it---out of her mouth came the words "they weren't mine" I told her that dad and I are still discussing the situation and we will talk about it with her once we have finished talking about it. She told us someone came up to her in school and asked if she was going to see Amy at all the rest of the day---my daughter said yes---the girl asked if she could give this box to Amy for her. My daughter said ok. She got to her next class and opened it up and saw there was cigs in there. She said she shoved it back into her purse. She didn't see Amy as she thought she would. So then they were brought home in her purse til the next day. Well I intercepted that by checking her purse. We informed her that if something is found in your possession that it will be assumed as yours. She shattered our trust in her her 15th year of life ---and yes we explained to her that once trust is broken it is so hard to gain back. Well we are trying on that front. My kids had been told quite some time ago that if they decided to ever start lying to us and we weren't able to fully trust what they were telling us that there would be nothing off limits to us as far as looking through their things. They were warned----she decided to go ahead and test that I guess. Ok so anyway we sat down with our daughter and I had her write down for us----who was involved in the cig incident, why did she do this, what would she have done had she gotten caught on school grounds or bus with this, and what did she think her consequence should be? Well she thought her consequence should be taking away her phone for a while. Mind you when our kids are home their phones are to be on the counter---as is the parents when they are home. No calls after 9:00pm and there is not texting at this time. We have restrictions on seeing her boyfriend to one time a week-------and a 1/2 hour call at night. She is ticked like no other at that. We just believe in the tightly wound boy-girlfriend relationship in high school. So anywho what we decided for her consequence was no activities other than obligations like church, tumbling class, etc.... and no phone privelages at all for 2 weeks. Now was that wrong to go that length of time? Should everything been taken away? I have seen where you write about grounding and how everything should be removed? Our kids have no tv, computer, etc in their bedrooms. Only a radio. We have only one computer in our house. they don't have free range on that----it is set up with passwords and my daughter used to sneak on it after being told No. So I solved that problem.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

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