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17.4.09

Daughter has wrecked havoc over the past 2 years...

We have an almost 17 year old daughter that has wrecked some havoc over the past 2 years in our home. However we are on our way back to normal life now------ We have told her that she needs to find employment before she gets a car. She currently has a job but it is only 3 1/2 hours per week---basically not a job there. Anyway she tells us she already has a job---I said she needs something with more hours and regular hours before she will get a car. We are toying around with paying 1/2 of the cars price. Well she refused to go to town and get applications. We let it go that day as we weren't sure just how to MAKE her do this. We have told her she is 17 and will not be sitting around the house all summer long doing nothing! So the next day they had no school here---so we told her she would need to go to town that morning and come home with 8 applications. She refused again.......so we told her that she will not get together with her boyfriend again until she does this task. She got ready and headed to town and brought home 8 applications. Has filled out about 5 and returned them. so do we push for the other 3? I sometimes question myself when dealing with her cuz she has basically targeted me with her nasty treatment and sometimes I think I am holding it against her!! I try my hardest not to though. anyway was it right to dangle the boyfriend in order to motivate her? Or should we have done the grounding for a day? or would you ground her until she completed the task--wether it took a week or 2? And what would you take away? everything or certain privelages? I am fuzzy on that area.

My daughter it seems is constantly asking me for stuff wether it is privelages or items. I don't run out and buy things for her but you would swear that I do by the way she acts! My boys don't ask for things or privileges like she does---it confuses me. She usually starts in around 10:00pm which in our house is time to head up to your rooms for bed. I have told her before when she brings things up that this is not the hour to be asking for things. it is bedtime---go to bed. But then I feel like I am telling her she can't ask me things----as she has told me she can't talk to me about stuff----yet she seems to be able to when she is in a good mood and wants something!!! I know that is that guilty trip thing going on there correct?? Is it cruel and unusual to set up a time with her that she needs to have things asked by say 8:00pm at night? I mean I don't need to have all these things thrown at me just before heading to bed---as then I don't sleep well. What are your feelings on setting up a limit on how late things can be asked. I have talked to her about the constant asking for things...................by reading your program I feel like I should be setting up her to earn the things being asked for? What if you run out of things for them to do?? I mean lastnight in about 15 minutes time I was asked for about 6 things!! One I have already told her No on---but apparently she isn't accepting that answer. I told her no again about it lastnight. Please help out here.

Can she earn privileges of freedom and such with good behavior? As she has been controlling her mouth for about a good week here now. OR do you feel a person needs to do a chore to earn stuff?

What are your feelings on setting up limits such as
*no phone calls after 9:00pm in our home
*can only get together with boyfriend one time per week (as we feel she is all about the boyfriend) we have told her we need to see even time spent with girlfriends as with the boyfriend. We don't feel kids need to be in tightly woven relationships during high school. Makes for way too much drama we feel.
* she gets a 1/2 hour phone call at night with her boyfriend. however he now has a job and she has gymnastics and sometimes they don't get their call started til 8:50----so sometimes we have allowed them to talk til 9:15 going past our 9:00pm rule IF she has been controlling her behavior and mouth. Are we sending a mixed message here or are we showing her she can earn a little time with controlling herself?

She is going to Prom I guess---she will get a new dress (we pay $50 her paying the rest up to $150) , she is tanning for prom---which she is paying for and now she is asking to get her nails done too!! WHICH she has said she will pay for. She only earns her money from her job---we don't give allowances in our house at this time. SO----I am feeling that with the new dress and tanning maybe that is enough for this prom. But if she is paying do we have the right to tell her no? You say they need to earn things---no free handouts---however how do you handle it when THEY are paying for the stuff? we try to raise our kids with the mentallity that you don't need all the latest gadgets and stuff to feel good about who you are. She has all texting shut off her cell phone as she totally abused the rule we set up for that. We gave her 3 months to abide by the rules and she just coudln't do it---so it was gone. Is that the wrong way to go about it? We want to raise our kids being able to talk to people with their mouths---not using texting and maybe saying things they never would wtih their mouths. The cell phones sit on the counter at home when they are home. No phones in the bedrooms. No tv's or computers in bedrooms either. Are we being too hard on them? She is the only one that seems to buck the rules at this time. So she is making us question our values and morals here. How do you get passed that feeling? we try to raise our kids with the less is more way of being. Are we wrong in doing that?

I have a problem with her and her money handling abilities. I try to talk to her about saving. But do we have the right to tell them how to spend their money? I think we do-----however they want you to feel like it is there money--they earned it they will spend it how they want. I talk to her about saving for college wether it is just money to go out on or buy pizza with and such. She has $600 in her savings at this moment and she thinks that is ALOT of money. I try to explain to her that really that is nothing compared to what she will need!! I guess I am unclear on how to go about setting up spending limits on the money they earn themselves. How will they learn to save if we the parents don't show them or TELL them to??

Us the parents strive not to overindulge our kids. They have dirt bikes but they earned the money for those themselves by working on our farm. We live in a 100 year old home that we totally gutted and redid in 4 months time-----it was a good lesson on showing kids how you can have something nice if you are willing to work for it. we did almost all the work ourselves on our house---the kids all helped out too. We don't drive new vehicles --however we take care of what we do have so they look nice. They get gifts at xmas and b-days----but other than that if they want something they need to earn the money and pay for it that way-----or they use money they get from relatives for b-days and xmas. I have 2 boys that seem to GET IT.........they are 16 and 12. Then there is the daughter who feels she needs to have everything that pops into her head. She wasn't raised that way. This is so confusing to us. I would greatly appreciate some sort of responses from you on my questions. Thanks so much for your expertise and time!! I am getting through the videos kind of slowly as our internet speed isn't fast enough to play them straight through it keeps having to stop and buffer!!! So I try to get to the library to watch them there---but it all takes time! :) Thanks again. Vicki

One last bit of information here---something I have thought about since we started in with all this defiance with her----it seemed to start around the time that my husband starting putting our son one year younger than her into the farming operation as in driving tractor and basically becoming his right hand man. The boy is VERY capable---learns quickly and easily -----just a good kid. On other hand it seemed to me that my daughter maybe resented the fact that her dad chose her brother over her. Granted she was always in some sort of sport or activity and just wasn't home much like the brother---plus she isn't a quick learner---my husband didn't want to take the extra time to teach her over and over. Which I can understand with working on a farm you only have a certain window of time to get your crops In and Out of the fields. I am just kind of thinking that made her feel like she wasn't as important and that is why she went off the edge, so to say. that was when she decided to hang with people that were so different from how she was raised. Do you feel I might have a theory here about why things may have went wrong here? I have implemented her into the kitchen stuff----AND after explaining this to my husband he is trying to implement her more into the farm operation. She says she wants to drive tractor ---then when it comes to the day to do it she chickens out. So------just a thought here.

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