Help... we are stuck. Our out of control daughter that is 16 years of age has been grounded for numerous reasons over the past two years. There have been periods of time in the two years that she has not been grounded although these times are not for very long. Some of the things that we have been dealing with are as follows:
Sex (suspect once in 07) ( now, since September 08) still seeing boyfriend at school. HAVING PROBLEMS COMING UP WITH CONSEQUENCES
Drug use (Marijuana)( first time not sure, but first time found “potato head” pipe in room April 09) HAVING PROBLEMS HERE TO
Retail Theft (Jan 09) (she paid fines and is attending theft class this weekend for it. We added an additional com service for church until end of school.)
Theft at her place of work ( Dec 08) she paid for it(her $), made amends and did 24 hours community service. (She seems sorry but still don’t trust her
Back talk (getting worse in 08 - 09) HAVEN’T ADRESSED THIS YET, well we have, but very badly apparently
Cutting (1st time with boy friend may of 07) got counseling and body checks thereafter, seemed to go away) she seemed healthier after break up with boy friend may of 07)caution
Attempted running away (twice in 07 )let go of this one too
Talk of suicide ( mostly in 07 – 08) let go with caution
Alcohol use (dabbled since 07) spot checks started and continue now and then ever since but let go with caution
Failing grades in school (since 07) WE ARE LETTING GO
Skipping school (once in 07) WILL BE TRUENT NEXT TIME, DON’T THINK SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN
Cigarette smoking (started in 07, got worse) WE LET GO OF THIS ONE
Lying (since she turned 12 and has gotten worse over time) HAVING PROBLEMS HERE TO
Trust is a big issue!!!
Present boyfriend is also doing drugs.
While we are on week 2, implementing session 1 and studying session 2, we are confused as to what to work on first? We have admitted our mistakes, made amends, are taking responsibility, and have asked her to expect some change AND TO BE PATIENT that we will allow her time to adjust to. We sat down and started to establish; 1) specific rules (some which were in place already) 2) praise and reward for her success and 3) consequences (appropriate grounding w/and w/out privileges for her negative behavior.
Last week we learned through her journal that she was sexually promiscuous, was smoking pot, and minor cutting again. We believe her relationship with boys seem to becoming a pattern. Are we to discipline her for all of this at once, or address them separately, or what? She has no phone as it was taken away because of lack of trust and respect. We didn’t set any limits to this consequence.
We feel that this is way over our heads at times and that this should be dealt with immediately. We are overwhelmed. But we are committed to the program. Frustrated and confused at time.
1. The grounding thing is one thing we are not sure if we should lift or not. She is currently grounded for her grades in school. The grounding we setup was to last until she brought her grades up to C’s. Since then, while reading your suggestions, we are thinking that we should not be involved with school, that she should accept whatever natural consequences she sows. While we have been keeping track of tests and homework, we are backing off due to your suggestions. The decision was made that we needed to see the grades on an actual report card as we were told numerous times that the grades were being brought up and then when we received the report cards and that wasn’t the case at all. Our question, should we lift the grounding anyway? Some of her grades lifted but other have not. She seems to be trying at times but is getting frustrated with us. I don’t blame her for that. What do we do?
My Out-of-Control Daughter