Online Parent Support Chat

4.6.09

I feel like a failure as a mum...

I have four children and four step children mostly grown up, i have my two youngest boys joel 7 yrs and jed 5 yrs. it is joel i am having problems with his father and myself split when joel was a baby as he changed his mind on being a family man and it has been a very contrived past 7yrs. He now has a court order to see them and has been granted shared parental responsibilty, he dosent always see them as he should do. He is quite an arrogant man who lets him play on playstation games such as grand theft auto vice city and zombie killing games he is also encouraging him to go and live with him when he is ten he treats the two boys differently and seems to favour joel more than jed. over the last 6 months joe has become defiant, argues the point on almost everything he has no respect for anything or anybody he is disruptive in school will not do his work and focuses on being the class clown. He will blatently tells me lies and i feel as though i have lost my little boy. I have tried to speak about this situation with his dad but im afraid i have got nowhere fast. I have tried to be fair and have taken legal advice on what i can do, which is nothing much as in the court order it states that i cant interfere when go to see him. Which i dont want to particulary but the latest thing is after last weeks contact joel was telling me his dad has shown him how to start a fire using a magnifying glass and sunlight. I cant take him anywhere without it being an ordeal for all. He is aggressive towards jed most of the time.And i have to repeat myself it feels like every ten seconds. Bedtime is 7pm and they can watch a film or read a book but joe will be downstairs every 5 mins and often is still awake at 9.30pm and wakes between 4 or 5 am. I have tried taking his things away, talking to him, im in school talking to his teacher almost on a daily basis. I know that joel sees me as the bad guy from the things that has been said. Im the one who disiplines the boys or try to, but then contact comes round again and im back to square one. Joel tells me he sleeps on a mattress on the floor and jed will say that they dont get fed properly and they are usually absolutley filthy when they come home. last week they went from thurs til sun jed tells me they didnt have a bath/shower or a wash and you could see that teeth hadnt been cleaned either. Steve the father rents a room off a friend so dosent have his own place has had numerous women and has another baby who is a year old but he left his new partner when the baby was 6 weeks old. Both the boys have witnessed situations where the babys mum is drunk and ranting and raving and hurled a glass in joes direction which smashed and he cut his feet. This has happened on numerous occasions. I provide clean clothes which he will take and send them back for me wash ready for the next time. Joel idolises his dad and it feels like he hates me at the moment. Steve was put in childrens home and went to boarding school as a child and was sexually abused as a child. he has brothers and sisters and they had a terrible childhood his father came out of prison 3 yrs ago after bringing in to england a million pounds worth of drugs which he got a ten year sentence for. I do not know what to do i am at my wits end he will not support me in anyway what so ever he dosent hold his own mother in any high regard and it seems as though its going to be same with joel and me. i feel like a failure as a mum and whatever i try to acheive blows up in my face i cant sleep at night as i try to think what to do next, i have read book upon book sought advice from everybody i can think of and then i found your website.

My Out-of-Control Child

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