Online Parent Support Chat

30.9.09

Daughter showing clear signs of rebellion...

We have a 15 half year old daughter that for three years now, is showing clear signs of rebellion that will result in terrible consequences if we can find a way to better deal with it. Although she is not your "typical" rebellious disrespectful child who shows it to authority figures, she is very respectful and kind to her teachers and other adults, to us (my husband and I) its a different story. She lies about everything, and continues to as she has certainly seen over the years the measures we have taken in discipline. We home schooled her for a year due to incorporate behavior, failing classes, skipping dance class after school to be "around" boys and lying, the list goes on, but her teachers at the time as well as us had exhausted everything we could. She also was emaciated while we lived in Florida last year and sent to a center then transferred to a hospital adolescent unit, all which resulted in over $3000.00 again, she had another previous visit when we lived in Michigan to Toledo hospital the year prior for suicidal thoughts and cutting.

I know I may sound cold or concerned about money, that is really not my point, we are so tired of the "suicide cry" when she’s caught, the wanting to run away threats, the medical bills that are piled in collections due to "band aid" interventions, endless years of therapy from standard counselors to psychotherapist, medications, she is on 100mg of Zoloft currently and has been since she was 8 years old, not the 100mg but the medicine, NOTHING works, and we see her heading down a dangerous road.

I sometimes feel like I'm alone here with my feelings of anger that I sometimes question rather or not I love her unconditionally, I know that sounds horrible and is because I do love her and would never want anything to happen to her, but it’s like bracing yourself for what’s coming and I'm scared and angry.

We are a Jesus serving family and some of the ways we especially me have handled her, He I know is ashamed of me, and I even have an education in this field and seem completely helpless. Then we often wonder if we over react and make mountains out of mole hills? It's very difficult to try and try again to give enough rope so to speak and watch her "hang herself again", with the exception of the last year in half (Feb 2008-July 2009) we lived in Michigan our entire lives and just relocated back. Down in Florida it was the whole "adjustment disorder/depression" diagnosis, now what is it that we are back around family and familiars? She has had this pattern brewing even before we moved.

Her name is Brittani, sorry I didn't say that before. Brittani does have a biological father who comes and goes in her life and is ALWAYS the victim, not the adult who steps up, he continue to pound at her that "she rejects him", when in reality she has a much turbulent relationship with his wife. My husband Josh is fantastic to her and so much more loving than I am, she would tell you that too, she really couldn't of been more blessed with a step-father like him. Now from past experiences I grew up the same way divorced parents, alcoholism, and a step-father who was wonderful till I hit 14 years old and then it was hateful. I was mouthy, rebellious if you call it (not cleaning my room or emptying the litter boxes??? caused constant "packing my bags" to move me with my father? My parents never had issues of drinking or drugs with me and yet I was a terrible teenager. I got poor grades and had zero self-esteem, and then when I "barley" graduated from High school, I really made bad choices and got pregnant all to "show them". This is what steered me to further my education and go to college, I did and I clearly see the signs of danger and the same "spirits" that have a hold over her that had me? Hope I didn't lose you there, but I firmly believe that. Although we have so many similarities in our young lives, Brittani has stability, structure and a fantastic step-father, I had none of those, why is this happening?

We have a very limited income at this point, especially with just moving back, we really need to get something started but really don't know exactly what you would suggest. We also tried the series by James Lehman and that didn't work either, she isn't a juvenile delinquent child, who has stolen or disrespects authority, she is very careful who she disrespects and very sweet when you meet her, we both just see major red flags with the lying, and filthy talk with boys over "texting" that she knows better not to do because we check her phone and she stated to one boy she couldn't send nude pictures because we check the phone, it makes me sick and I'm so scared. Please offer some suggestions that could really help us understand what we are doing or not doing, is it true that there are just some people that are destined to screw up and really could careless? They really have no rock bottom?

I don't want to write you a book here, it’s too much to explain everything in a e-mail what has happened over the last three years, but I wanted to give you as much as I could, also she has done things with boys that exhibit promiscuous behavior, and we have forbidden her to date and just focus on making good friends and doing well in school and we find boys are everywhere that we ask her not to go, and she shows no self restraint in what we ask her. Again, Brittani clearly chooses selectively when to behave poorly and who too, which contradicts the first diagnosis from Toledo hospital that her "processing" is behind a few years, and she has ADHD, but very mildly.

We are terrified to be young grandparents, or have an addicted child, or have her "follow" peers and drive drunk or get in the car with someone who is and get killed, she just wants to fit in and so did I but I never did anything I didn't want to, I had the fear of God in me at a young age and was always to scared, she shows none of that?

My Out-of-Control Daughter

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