Online Parent Support Chat

30.6.09

My 16 yr old has a mind of her own...

My daughter is now 16yrs old. At age 10 (2003) she witnessed her father physically abuse me as well as constant verbal abuse and much arguing. Unfortunately she was put in the middle and told by dad "this is what happens when you don't listen."

Charges were filed and we went through the legal system's process of obtaining a CPO and divorce. Supervised visitation was ordered, individual counseling was obtained for my daughter and I as well as engaging a counselor for father and daughter. After about 1 yr and a few months visitation became unsupervised and full visitation rights were granted after lifting the CPO on father and daughter.

Here we are back in the legal system and back to counseling due to the fact that my 16 yr old has a mind of her own and is wanting to make decisions for her remaining high school career as well as priming her college resume. Dad is insistent on convincing me and my daughter that she has control issues, is a liar and defies rules because of her desires for her time and he has stated that she does not put him as a priority next to everything else. He has succeeded in making her feel guilty after much berating over the phone and trying to retrain her with late night hours of breaking her down to submission. She has made a decision to exclude dad from her life because the weight of his emotional needs and expectations on her are too exhausting. I have spent countless hours trying to help him understand her place in her life and he has turned against me saying that I have facilitated in her non-visitation and as of Nov. 2009 he filed contempt charges against me. I was forced to obtain an attorney; my daughter and I met with him and she explained that she is fearful to spend time with him based on his behavior being similar to that of the past and unsure that he wouldn't become physical with her.

At my request he (dad) attended 2 sessions with the original court ordered councilor and those session went horribly. At our first court hearing he wanted to install a "new" councilor who is "unbiased" against him. Against my better judgment but encouraged by my attorney, I agreed. She has met with new councilor and my daughter feels very uncomfortable and quite frankly set up because of the bias against her now. (Dad met with councilor alone 7 times and with my daughter only 2 times. Once with dad and daughter so far) Daughter has become so agitated and uncomfortable with this whole situation that she has become more resistant and angry to her dad and the upcoming counseling sessions. I'm concerned she is leaving an impression that she is is showing dad and new councilor that she is a control freak and unruly. Daughter realizes dad is a great performer and narcissist and he has councilor fooled.

To this point my daughter and I have had little conflict between us but I am seeing a change in her attitude and perception of me. She's just 16, just got drivers license, has a part time job, is an honor role student, active in extra curriculars, and has goals of college. With her upcoming junior year I am concerned that this agitation will, if not already, affect her drive towards success and she will become reckless.

My Out-of-Control Teen

24.6.09

He acted out sexually with a dog...

My son has always been classified as adhd until 7 months ago when he acted out sexually with a dog. He was then put in the hospital for observation and after he was tested. The doctor told us he has a condition similar to autism, he has control issues. He has the ability to make good descions but chooses not to. The doctor told us part of his brain does not function like everyone elses reguarding empathy and caring. He has suggested military structure . Try as I might we have had trouble getting the desired results. I have looked into schools for him and programs but we do not have the money to send him away. We worry about him acting out again and hurting someone. All I want is for him to behave the way I know he can so we can have our family back again. We have tried many different meds for him and he has had many different diagnoses. We just want to be able to have him make the right descions so he can live in our house and follow the rules and get along with everyone. After several counselers he does not cooperate and share with them.

J.

My Out-of-Control Son

18.6.09

Out Of Control Daughter

I have a just-turned-17 year old daughter who has always been a difficult, but good, kid. She will be a Senior in high school in the fall and seems to be feeling very stressed about the whole idea of growing up. She is hard-of-hearing, uses sign language as her first language but hangs out mostly with hearing kids (she is in public school with sign language interpreter support in the classroom and also speaks and lipreads very well).

She lives with me (mom and step-dad) and with her dad and step-mom. Dad and step-mom are deaf; step-dad and I are hearing. I am a fluent signer, interpreter, and teacher at the state school for the deaf so communication has not been an issue. All of the parenting team get along well. She also has a step-sister, 10 months younger, who signs fluently, too, and is, if anything, a "golden" child.

This past year her grades have started to falter--went from a 3.76 gpa to a 3.16, she has complained of fatigue, and she has become more beligerent than usual. When I try to plant the seed that it is time to thing about what is important to her and what she wants for herself, she shuts down and gets downright nasty. She has an inflated sense of her skill as an athlete, although she is a very good pitcher/1st base softball player, and is blaming her time on the bench on the coaches (partly true as the other pitcher/1st base is the coaches daughter) instead of looking at what she can do to earn more time.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

12.6.09

She tells me she hates me and wishes me dead...

My daughter is only 13 years old and HELL on wheels, She gets in my face and cusses me She has hit me due to the fact that she cussed me out and I slapped her mouth... well She hit me back , this last time she pulled a knife on me. I was the one who went to jail for domestic because I didn't tell on her for the knife. Alexis is out of control Her father kicked her out of his home after her living with him for 10 1/2 years.

She tells me she hates me and wishes me dead... At this time she is with her Grandmother because there's a TPO between us She is in counseling , And I'm at my whits end!! She not on drugs or smokes and has good grades She just Hates me one of the reasons Her Father put a lot of crap and hate and distrust in her head about me, A lot of the anger she has I believe is coming from that She had a hard life with him ,I tried fighting Him in court to get her for 10 years now after him not allowing me to know my daughter He kicks her out of his house and said good luck and hasn't looked back. I don't know what to do OR how to do It.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

10.6.09

He started out at a state college last fall and ended up flunking out after the first semester...

I am currently experiencing difficulty with my 19 year old son. He started out at a state college last fall and ended up flunking out after the first semester. He told us he was going to turn things around and we believed him and let him sign up at the local community college but he again ended up with the same result. He is constantly lying to us and has no direction. He was working a part-time job which he just quit because he said they wouldn’t give him more hours. Of course, something is better than nothing but he quit without our knowledge. Now he isn’t even working. Additionally, the group of friends he hangs with is not good, especially one friend in particular. This friend has been the common denominator from the beginning of my son’s downward progression. They actually roomed together in college and both flunked out.

My son is back home now after avoiding us for two weeks because he didn’t want to face us about his grade situation. It has only been a couple of days and I am struggling with how to help get him on the right path. As you stated, my husband and I feel like we’ve tried everything to help him turn things around and are at a loss. I am looking for answers and I am willing to try anything. We are trying to regain some control over his life but it is very difficult because he is not thinking rationally. I know the change will only come if he wants it but am hoping to gain some insight in how we may be able to get the ball rolling. We restricted him from using his car (which we paid for) – we told him that is a privilege he has to earn back.

My Out-of-Control Teen

9.6.09

Out Of Control Daughter

I was on your website today looking for direction. I know you probably hear that alot.

I have a 15 year old girl. She is a good girl inside, however, she has been increasingly becoming difficult lately. We moved from Alabama to New York 4 years ago. New York is home for my husband and I and we were lucky enough to be just 28 miles from where we grew up. It should have been the answer to prayer. My husband is a pastor in the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod. We never thought we would be home. That usually doesn't happen in our church.

Although she missed her Alabama friends, Mariah did okay the first year we were here. She was in 6th grade. However, 7th grade was the beginning of the troubles we are seeing now. She has been diagnosed with major clinical depression and has been hospitalized twice in a kids psych ward. She is on medication for this and sees her dr. regularly. We are working on finding a suitable therapist. She also suffers severe migraines for which she is also medicated.

She is now in 9th grade. She has just spent the second time in the ward. She has not been back to school. She hates the school and she thinks everyone is always talking about her. Being the new girl when we moved here, she was popular at first and had many friends, then all the sudden, she was isolated and it just fell apart. She is being home-tutored for the time being. We are looking at alternatives for school next year.

I guess my question really is, with a child that has emotional problems, is something like your program helpful. I have found it difficult to distinguish between illness and willful acting out at times. But I don't want to assume and do her damage. I'm almost afraid to parent.

She is really starting to take risks that are unacceptable. I have been really watching and there when I think she is going to make a huge mistake. I'm trying to talk to her about these things and how they can affect her life. It's not drugs, so I'm grateful for that, but neither do I want a grandchild right now. I can see how kids with emotional problems end up in trouble and I want to get her on a good path.

Sorry to go on for so long. I'm tired and trying to get to the end of the tunnel. Thanks for your time.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

8.6.09

I have a troubled teenager...

Hi there, I have a troubled teenager - 15year old girl. I've been seeking therapy and counselling for about 5 years now. As she gets bigger - her voice is louder, she's stronger and the verbal abuse is horrific. It's by chance that I stumbled on your website - I was actually looking up anything that has answers for me - I plan to show my husband the web page. It sounds like something I might want to try because I have tried everything possible and I am truly at "wits end!!"

I'm on a waiting list for psychiatric help - she hates talking to them and I've read 5 books on Borderline Personality Disorder that they "think" she may have, ADHD as well and medication for behaviour. Deep down I think she just doesn't know how to deal with the frustration she feels, or if she messes up she doesn't take responsibility - she's immature that way. My husband (her stepdad) is done with her.

I try to manage most on my own and I want to help her before it's too late!

My Out-of-Control Daughter

4.6.09

I feel like a failure as a mum...

I have four children and four step children mostly grown up, i have my two youngest boys joel 7 yrs and jed 5 yrs. it is joel i am having problems with his father and myself split when joel was a baby as he changed his mind on being a family man and it has been a very contrived past 7yrs. He now has a court order to see them and has been granted shared parental responsibilty, he dosent always see them as he should do. He is quite an arrogant man who lets him play on playstation games such as grand theft auto vice city and zombie killing games he is also encouraging him to go and live with him when he is ten he treats the two boys differently and seems to favour joel more than jed. over the last 6 months joe has become defiant, argues the point on almost everything he has no respect for anything or anybody he is disruptive in school will not do his work and focuses on being the class clown. He will blatently tells me lies and i feel as though i have lost my little boy. I have tried to speak about this situation with his dad but im afraid i have got nowhere fast. I have tried to be fair and have taken legal advice on what i can do, which is nothing much as in the court order it states that i cant interfere when go to see him. Which i dont want to particulary but the latest thing is after last weeks contact joel was telling me his dad has shown him how to start a fire using a magnifying glass and sunlight. I cant take him anywhere without it being an ordeal for all. He is aggressive towards jed most of the time.And i have to repeat myself it feels like every ten seconds. Bedtime is 7pm and they can watch a film or read a book but joe will be downstairs every 5 mins and often is still awake at 9.30pm and wakes between 4 or 5 am. I have tried taking his things away, talking to him, im in school talking to his teacher almost on a daily basis. I know that joel sees me as the bad guy from the things that has been said. Im the one who disiplines the boys or try to, but then contact comes round again and im back to square one. Joel tells me he sleeps on a mattress on the floor and jed will say that they dont get fed properly and they are usually absolutley filthy when they come home. last week they went from thurs til sun jed tells me they didnt have a bath/shower or a wash and you could see that teeth hadnt been cleaned either. Steve the father rents a room off a friend so dosent have his own place has had numerous women and has another baby who is a year old but he left his new partner when the baby was 6 weeks old. Both the boys have witnessed situations where the babys mum is drunk and ranting and raving and hurled a glass in joes direction which smashed and he cut his feet. This has happened on numerous occasions. I provide clean clothes which he will take and send them back for me wash ready for the next time. Joel idolises his dad and it feels like he hates me at the moment. Steve was put in childrens home and went to boarding school as a child and was sexually abused as a child. he has brothers and sisters and they had a terrible childhood his father came out of prison 3 yrs ago after bringing in to england a million pounds worth of drugs which he got a ten year sentence for. I do not know what to do i am at my wits end he will not support me in anyway what so ever he dosent hold his own mother in any high regard and it seems as though its going to be same with joel and me. i feel like a failure as a mum and whatever i try to acheive blows up in my face i cant sleep at night as i try to think what to do next, i have read book upon book sought advice from everybody i can think of and then i found your website.

My Out-of-Control Child

2.6.09

The disrespect, the manipulation, the tantrums, the lying and total defiance is beyond my understanding...

I am a single 48 year old woman (professional, certified accountant). I have 2 children ( 31 girl and 22 boy ). I practically raised them on my own (husband was never around) and I did a smashing job of it. I am so very proud of my children. I was a strict parent and never lost control of them (without using physical agressiveness, that was not my style). They did not like it at the time but they both thanked me eventually for the way I brought them up and prepared them for their own journeys into the world. I know I did right by them. But that is not my problem.

Last year I met this wonderful man, we are great together but.... he has an ODD son who is 11 years old. What I see baffles me. I have never experienced this sort of thing. I see an 11 year old boy who has his dad under his thumb. I see a dad who walks on egg shells so as not to set the boy off. I see an 11 year old boy who says "Jump" and his dad says "How high?". The disrespect, the manipulation, the tantrums, the lying and total defiance is beyond my understanding. All I can think is "Oh my god what's this? Surely its the devil's spawn.... PLEASE get control of your child already!" To me, controlling a child is simple. But to him I guess it's a whole different ball game. I had never heard of ODD before until now.

I love this man (we will call him Bill) very much and we would like to start a life together but my values, my ideals and convictions will not allow me to be treated like a piece of shit. I don't allow anyone to treat me this way, let alone an 11 year old boy! No way, sorry, not happening. So, our lives right now have been put on hold (my choice).

To make matters worse, Bill does not have full custody of his son. He sees him every Wednesday and every second weekends. The mother, whom am sure is at her wits end as well with this kid, doesn't discipline him at all; she takes the easy way out and caters to his whims. So, no one is disciplining this kid at the moment. He has full control, and its his way or the highway. I have tried to help Bill with his son but to no avail. I guess my conventional methods which worked wonders with my children have no effect on this kid at all. This kid is so far gone, am not sure anyone or anything can help him. He's headed for juvenile detention.

Hence, in a nutshell, this is my dilemma....

My Out-of-Control Child