Online Parent Support Chat

22.8.09

He is disrespectful and unappreciative of anything that is done for him...

I am the girlfriend of a man that has a 17 year old son. My boyfriend is his biological father, Josh was raised by his mother and her now ex husband. His mother remarried a very young man 4 years ago, whom Josh fought with so bad that he had to move out of his mother’s home and live with his step dad. His step dad has recently been remarried. Mark (his father, my boyfriend) has been an every other weekend father for the duration of our relationship with the exception of a 6 month time frame when Josh lived with him because he was failing in school and his mother could not get him to do any of his school work.

Josh does not get angry, he does not react to you, he just simply refuses to do it. He just tells you no and he will not do it. I am not talking about little things like putting his dishes away or picking up after himself. He will do that if you ask. When is comes to school work, he does just barely enough to get by after hours of coaxing and arguing, if you have to work in the yard or you are working on a project, or he goes to work with his dad to earn some gas money for his car, you have to push him through every step, pick up the shovel, put the dirt in the hole, it is absolutely ridiculous the amount of energy you must expel just to get him to do anything physical. He walks off, you have to go find him and get him back on task. If you yell at him he laughs at you because you are so beside yourself that you can get no response from him that you have resorted to yelling and screaming, I think he gets a kick out of how hard we try to make him. We have tried to just leave him behind if he is not willing to come along and be helpful. He is stone cold. I think this child has some very serious emotional and social issues and we are looking for someplace to start.

He has had some counseling, he does very poorly in school, he is socially retarded when it comes to dealing with any adults. When he arrives on the weekends he doesn't even say hello. You have to get his attention and stand in front of him and make eye contact to get a response as simple as hello.

We have tried talking to him about his defiance, his disrespect. He just tells you he doesn't know why, he just knows that nobody is going to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Josh does not interact with anyone but small children. If there are people around us, he only talks to or deals with the very small kids, he has no interest in the kids ages 12 or older unless it is a teenage girl. Then of course he follows her around, but doesn't engage in any conversation. I have had several of my nieces say that he makes them uncomfortable because he doesn't say anything unless they do and then only answers with yes or no or a shrug of the shoulders. Every once in a while he will actually sit around and talk with us, but those situations are few and far between.

Today was the last straw. Mark and Josh were going off to work, Mark asked Josh to bring the ice chest, he said "he was too sore to pick it up, you carry it" and no matter what was said, calmly at first then escalated into yelling, he would not pick it up and take it to the truck, he walked away got in the truck and did not pick up the ice chest. Marks comment was, well this is going to be a great day. He knew what he was in for because Josh had already made up his mind that he was not going to be cooperative. Mark is not an impatient or angry person, he asks he does not tell, he always says thank you when Josh is helpful, Mark provides for him, anything that he needs, gas money, clothes, things for school, a computer, a cell phone, . This child has everything. But he is disrespectful and unappreciative of anything that is done for him or provided for him, he has the attitude that he has a right to all of these things. For years we have tried taking away the phone, the computer etc. He just doesn't care or he finds where it is hidden and gets it out when we are not at home. I am sure you have heard all of these stories before, at least he isn’t doing drugs or drinking or any of that.

Out-of-Control Teen

17.8.09

Her attitude & actions have come as a real shock to us...

My name is Cameron, we have a family of 2 daughters, my wife & I, although have have had normal family problems over the years things in general have been well with our family (or so we thought) since the last 2 weeks when we discovered our 14 yr old daughter had been lying to us about many things over the years.

Our first discovery was her school books with F*** written all over them which is shocking to us due to her christian upbringing, it was this discovery that lead to other secrets she has been hiding from us including a 13yr old school boyfreind.

Since talking with her & expressing our anger/concern her but her reply was "just let me go, i am not happy here, don't worry about me" etc, she left home yesterday (she never came home from school)

She has been in touch by phone & is staying with a friends family. I insisted she come home but her reply is "give me 2 weeks to sort out my life" & i will come home.

She has lied & manipulated this family into helping her & they were not aware of the full story until we spoke to them last night &are not comfortable with being caught up in it all as they have their own problems to deal with.

My initial reaction was to drive there there & drag her home but have agreed to give her 2 days then she is to return home, she says she will not come home until she is ready although the family involved has agreed to make sure she is home in 2 days but i doubt it will happen.

We are certainly not perfect parents but she comes from a loving family environment & she knows we care about her & only want whats best for her but her reaction to our pleas for her to come home are " i know i have hurt you, please give me 2 weeks to be strong on my own to show you i can sort things out by myself"

Her attitude & actions have come as a real shock to us & quite frankly i feel sick to my stomach, hopefully your book will help both my wife & i to deal best with the situation & whether we should allow the two weeks she has requested or get her home as soon as possible. (my thoughts are to get her home before she sinks deeper into any further destructive behaviour)

Its 2.11am, i cannot sleep & am at my wits end.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

11.8.09

He's been addicted to online gaming...

My son is 15 years old. For the last 6 months he's been addicted to online gaming and through this, he's got acquainted with some really bad company who are older in age, some of whom are school dropouts or just jobless. He's been taught to smoke, drink, go clubbing, sex etc.

He's also been taking money from home to keep up with his extravagant lifestyle. His school grades have deteriorated and his attitude & mannerism towards the family is getting really bad. We've sent him for a few hypnotherapy sessions to cope with anger management and we even had a Family therapy session but nothing seems to work. We've also approached his school teacher/displine master for assistance but until now, nothing seems to be really working.

The critical thing here is, he's been staying out (the longest period was for days at a stretch) as & when he feels like it, throws his tantrums if he doesnt get his way and spends hours on his mobile, even during meal times. We've spent lots of time trying to counsel and advise him on his bad company of friends but his friends mean the world to him. One phone call & he's out of the house despite our vehement objections. If we try reasoning with him, he'll just sulk, keep his head down & refuse to communicate. He's at times violent as well. It's really very worrying and we're at our wit's end. Nothing we say or do is able to make him see where we're coming from.

My Out-of-Control Teen

Son got mixed up in Oxycoden and Hydrocoden...

I have an 18 year old son that got mixed up in Oxycoden and Hydrocoden he said for 2 years he had been doing these. He went into the hospital for 5 days in June and the doctor put him through a detox program in the hospital and then told him he must go to an inpatient program as the success rate is only 2% that he could detox and stay clean on his own. Well guess what I found out today that he has influenced his friend to go to the doctor and get the same prescription for his drug habit and now I am sure they are both on this. They are I am sure selling this as well. Clint (my son) has not had any consiquences for anything he does. He makes sure he does not keep any of this medication at my house, as I have told him that I will have him move out if I find any thing to do with drugs in my home.

Just to give you some back ground as to how bad he was, he stole about $7,000 worth of jewelry from me and sold it for $1,000 I had to buy it back. He was dr. and pharmacy hopping I found over 500 pills without any label on the prescription bottle and I put them down the garbage disposal. I have talked to police officers, councilors and doctors. I now have this other kids grandmother (he is only 17) calling me asking me what is going on. After Clint got out of the hospital in June he started going to church was saved, baptised and attends on a weekly basis. he came to me and told me when he was younger our baby sitter ( a young boy) was sexualy abusing him as well as a guy I dated (not sure if any or all is true) Clint was going to councelors but is not right now because he is working 7-5 with this other kid. they come to my house clean up, eat and sleep. I was home schooling him and he still has one class to finish at which time he can not do any of it because he is too tired from this job. My other concern is that they are doing drugs and working in a grain elevator and on top of 2 story buildings (high on who knows what).

My Out-of-Control Teen

10.8.09

He is defiant, lazy, has to be told time and time again to do his chores, back chats, swears, and constantly blames others for his misfortunes...

I have stumbled onto your website after searching for a solution with my 2 teenage stepchildren. We are in Australia, and we are what they call a "blended family". My wife has a 15 year old son and a 13 year old daughter living with us, and we have a 3 year old son together. I also have a 12 year old daughter and an 11 year old son that reside with their mother, and we fly them up every school holidays.

I have been noticing a reluctance in the 15 year old especially over the past 6 to 12 months. He is defiant, lazy, has to be told time and time again to do his chores, back chats, swears, and constantly blames others for his misfortunes. He has not once in the 4 and a half years that I have known him taken responsibility for his actions when he has done the wrong thing. He is quick to blame others, which in turn causes more arguments over who did what.

The stress levels that I am enduring are probably not as bad as some parent who contact you, but they are significant enough to be searching the web for a solution. My wife has a much higher tolerance than I do, and I seem to lose the plot quite quickly of late, as my requests more often than not fall upon deaf ears. I find it easier to do the jobs I want done myself rather than get into a heated discussion over who washed and who dried the dishes last night. It is extremely depressing, and my wife and I find ourselves caught up in all the stress and arguing amongst ourselves about things that should be easy.

My 13 year old step daughter is spoilt rotten by her father who also flies up to us every month or so, and she is not so much lazy, but constantly asks for things and when she doesn't get her way she has a hissy fit, saying she never gets anything she asks for and its not fair and gives her mother grief. Here's the thing - if you are with one and not the other, there is very rarely a problem, but when both teenagers are together, they play one against the other until it all ends in tears.

I am not coping with this whole situation, and have found myself on anti depressants which could have been the result of work, every day stress, money problems - or a combination of everything. The last thing you need after a long day at work is to come home to a stressful, argumentative environment that you have no control over.

If your program will help me and my families issues I will be forever grateful. Please help.

Regards,

David.
Townsville, Australia.

My Out-of-Control Teen

My son was recently diagnosed with ODD...

My son J was recently diagnosed with ODD. He has always been stubborn, intense and argumentative. He has ALWAYS, even as a toddler, had NO problem at all going toe to toe with me. I am frequently EXHAUSTED from arguing with him about seemingly everything or nothing. Some days though, he’s great-and I mean really great. I get fabulous reports from teachers-always have-and he has a black belt in Taekwondo and was recruited for the team not because of his skill, but because of his positive and respectful attitude. We always check on him with anyone in authority over him and they all wonder why we’re asking. They always tell us he is a great, very respectful, young man. I believe them, he can be that way with me too-when he wants to. He only acts out with his father and I. No one else. Well, he annoys the heck out of his little sister, but I don’t consider her an authority figure, though it does bother me a whole lot. J doesn’t raise his voice with me anymore-he doesn’t have to. The face, attitude, body language, lack of compliance and mouthy words speak loudly enough to really upset me and his dad. We sure yell a lot trying to get through to him. Lots of times I DO get through and he will come apologize and for a while things are really great. Until the next thing hits whatever it is.

Your website talks about physical violence, screaming matches, stealing, and lying. J has never been physically violent with us even though he surely knows how. He doesn’t steal either. J went through a period where he did lie, but that was a long time ago. It would be helpful to tell you he’s 12 now and the lying was at about seven or eight. J is also extremely gifted intellectually and has NEVER, EVER had a problem at school. As a matter of fact, he goes to a gifted school and gets A’s and B’s.

I have been in therapy for years for PTSD and related anxiety issues and I have recently brought my kids into therapy-with separate counselors-so that makes 3-because I really want to be a good parent and I want them to have someone to talk to who is objective and who can tell me how to raise them better. My husband is military and the separation issues are a concern too. I am very blessed because our insurance pays for it. J’s only just started, it’s only the second session, and he has this diagnosis. J fits it some, but not nearly as bad as the stuff I found on the web including your sight. So that leads me right back to-do I have the right diagnosis? Can your book help me and can I use it in conjunction with his therapy?

I’ve never claimed to be the perfect parent and I am very open to wise counsel. I have to be. These beautiful children are precious gifts given to me by God who surely expects me to love them, take care of them and find the ways to raise them to be everything He intended them to be. This is an AMAZING kid. Sometimes I watch him worship and cry because it is just so beautiful to see him worshipping and at peace. I want him, and our family, to have that peace EVERY day. I know I need help.

Sincerely,

Heidi

My Out-of-Control Son

7.8.09

I have 2 teenage boys that are out of control...

I have 2 teenage boys that are out of control.

Jordan is 17. He has his GED but chose to go back to high school because his girlfriend was there. I am not sure what the status of that is because he started skipping a lot of school towards the end of the month. He drinks some but mostly smokes weed. He has had 3 jobs that all ended the same. He decides not to go in and I guess quits that way. Jordan is pleasant unless confronted with “nagging” and stuff.

Avery is 16. Avery has been in serious trouble with the law. Currently on probation. He has withheld findings on his charges depending on his behavior. He has been in detention for truancy. He has one friend that is a gang member over a year ago I saw the red bandanas briefly but that ended and I haven’t seen that since he got in trouble.That didn’t really startled him. He hasn’t really improved. Hates school. He has failed 9th grade twice. Currently he has an appointment at school to begin pre GED testing to get him into that program. He smokes cigarettes. He drinks some but also mostly smokes weed. He hangs around with older kids just as out of control as he. He is in counseling but I haven’t seen improvement. Avery is sweet to me. Hates his stepdad. He used to get along with him but he left for 2 years and has returned. Since then nothing but conflict between them.

They both in ways act much older than they are because prior to my remarriage to their stepfather things were rough. Their stepfather has had about enough and I feel like my marriage is in falling apart because of this situation. My neighbors hate us and want us to move. We have a strict HOA so I am always stressed about that. Actually I am ALWAYS stressed about everything. I think they make petty cash by reselling weed. I don’t believe they have ethics or good moral values. My husband last summer let Jordan work with him and that ended badly. Just this week he let Avery work with him and that ended even worse. They have a 5 year old brother that lives in the house. Two step-siblings who visit every other weekend. They just visited their dad (had 3 remarriage kids) last weekend after not seeing him for 2 years. That actually went well but it was a day and a half. I feel like I have to choose between my kids and my husband and they usually win. I am about to lose my mind. We live in a nice neighborhood. My boys don’t have to be these thugs they wanna be.

I am worried that my kids are too far gone to be helped. Have they gotten to bad? I don’t know what to do.

My Out-of-Control Teens

David has been diagnosed with, Aspergers, ADD, ADHD and ODD...

David has been diagnosed with, Aspergers, ADD, ADHD and ODD. He attends a special boarding school. He takes 36mg of Concerta XL and .5mg of Risperidone daily. He is basically an egotistical, lazy, oppositional, argumentative, self centered teenager who believes that he is entitled to every privilege and needs not put anything back. Fortunately, as his mother, I try to understand him and I do love him very much. I am divorced from his father who showed many of the same traits to a lesser degree then after David was born, he turned into a lazy teenager (aged 32) and I spent 2 years trying to change him and failed miserably. I am remarried and my husband Clive has cared for David since the age of 2. Clive and David clash, mostly because David is so rude to me and ungrateful, sulky and lazy. This gets Clive cross at how David treats me and the two have little to say to each other. I end up in the middle of them moaning about each other.

I try to keep David's behavior from Clive, but it has led to David realising this and he manipulates me and treats me badly. If I do tell Clive how David has been then David will blame me for whatever action Clive takes, I try to tell him that if he didn't do things he does life would be good. I try to arrange trips, and treats but he hardly acknowledges what I do and if I ask him to say thank you he gets cross.

David has the mobile phone, play station, and tv etc, all the stuff teenagers like. In return for credit on his phone, and pocket money he has chores to do but he wont do them, there is always opposition and a row, then it is done slowly and with a miserable heart. On Tuesday I asked him to move some small rocks left to one side after some drainage work. Each rock could easily be lifted by me with with one hand and there were maybe 20 so not a huge job. He replied that he could not see why he had to move the rocks. I suggested he should think about the things he has and as part of the family he should help, we argued for some half and hour then I got cross and decided to do the job myself. He came out after me making comments and I got cross and swore at him, (not something I have ever done before) and told him to go away and that I could save myself £30 per month if I did the jobs myself and that I would remove his TV etc and disconnect his phone. He left and walked to his girlfriend. Her family told him to come back and sort it out. He came back but not to do the chores but to explain that he didn't think he should do them because he knows boys who do nothing and get more rewards than him and his girlfriend gets more and she has to do very little. I had thought that he was going to appologise and get on with the chores!

I have since a discussed what happened and written a contract with David showing what he is expected to do - get up, do chores, not be rude and then have the rest of the day and evening to himself, and that he will get his items returned. David agreed and signed the contract. He has unfortunately still argued and done as little as possible with a very hard heart. I am beating my head against a brick wall. He has to argue, argue, argue! Compared to many you have met he is probably a mild case but he is making my life miserable. I have so many nice things planned for him and his girlfriend this holiday but I can't do them as I will be in a worse position with him if I back down.

David has previously had outbursts of anger and smashed windows with his fists (double glazed glass) and also attacked a teacher and had to be restrained by 4 adults at school and was suspended. when he returned to school, the teachers black eye had healed and David felt there were not enough injuries on the teacher to deserve the suspension and sanctions he had received. No apology from David. I tread a fine line, I am not frightened of him but it is in the back of my mind that if he loses it he could do me serious harm, even kill me. He wouldn't want to but he loses control, you know what I am saying.

My Out-of-Control Child

3.8.09

Out-of-Control Teens

I have been with my husband for nearly 8 years, and combined we have 6 children and all of them seem to be showing the same signs of disrespect and out of control behaviour. We have no children to each other, I have 4. My eldest is nearly 22 and moved out when he was about 15, then I have a daughter which is nearly 21,she moved out when she was 16. My third boy is 15 he ran away from home in May this year and I made him come home in July he was gone for six weeks. When he left I was devastated, he moved in with a friend and his family. Since he's been home he has told me that they miss him and they want him to come back (he's talking about the parents). He also told me that the guidance councillor at school has told him that maybe he would be better off if he moved back in with them, all of which I have since found out is not true. Then yesterday he told me he was leaving and going back there. The problem I have is that 3 out of my children have learning problems, social problems etc, and he is the one that seems like he can achieve all he wants. He has become quite overpowering, sneaky and dishonest since he moved in with this other family. Breaking the law is one thing that I have feared with him and he did it with the group of kids he is now hanging around.

I left the birth father when I was pregnant with my youngest and he has had no contact since, now my son is telling my husband you are not my real dad and you have no say over me, which is very hurtful to both of us as my husband is all my son has any memory of.

I am also having trouble with my youngest son he is 14 next month and he is doing everything he knows he shouldn't be doing and he is in constant trouble. I am hoping that we can achieve some kind of harmony in our home before its too late.

I read all the links and watched your videos and it was like you were talking about exactly what we are dealing with.

Out-of-Control Teens

1.8.09

My teenage girl is out of control...

My teenage girl is out of control. What should I do? I have been a homeschooling parent for the past 6 years. All was fine, when she hit teenage status things started to change. Rebellion kicked in. She started refusing to do work and/or lying about doing it. We started having conflict. I have always taken my children’s education very seriously. When I felt that my teenage daughter was pulling away to get even with me we came to an agreement to put her back into school. I was very upset with this decision but at the time I felt she was refusing to do stuff for me to get even with me because she decided she did not want to do homeschooling any longer. I put her back in school, I wanted her to do her best and show me that I was wrong to keep her at home. I noticed a decline in behavior and studies immediately. I talked to her teachers and counselor; they made some suggestions and also some conclusions. Jessica’s ability to do the schoolwork was there!

She just didn’t want to do it or didn’t care to turn it in. After a full quarter, the counselor suggested a virtual school program because she felt that it was a socialization problem. Jessica was more concerned of hanging out with friends then doing schoolwork. I would understand this except that the home school program we had allowed for plenty of socialization. So I didn’t understand why it was an issue now. Now that she is doing virtual school she has found ways to make it look like the work is done but in reality all she did was delay it. I am so frustrated. She refuses to take her schoolwork seriously. She doesn’t care if she fails. All she cares about is hanging out with her friends. I took that privilege away. I told her if she completes her schoolwork for the week she can go hang out with her friends. I found out that she submitted incomplete or failed assignments just so it shows that she did it. That causes an argument because she technically didn’t do the work she just made it look like she did it so she could go. Urgh……………….I refused to let her go, and she is refusing to do anything around the house or schoolwork for that matter.! What do I do now.?

She ALWAYS threatens to run away if she doesn’t get her way. She is causing a bunch of drama here and setting a bad example for her little sisters. I love my daughter, I want her to succeed… but I don’t want to enable her failure either. If I put her back in school she will do nothing, If I keep her here she will do nothing. She is 16 years old. Urgh………………………….!

My Out-of-Control Daughter

She tells me to go "F" myself...

My name is Connie and I have my 2nd generation foster granddaughter living with me,( her mother was my foster child from age 6 ),so I say my daughter and my grand daughter. She is 9 yrs old and is a handfull most of the time,the rest of the time,she is a warm,caring,loving child(25% of the time),the other 75% of the time,she is a demon from hell.She is very destructive,she tears up her things,our things,the walls,chairs,everything she touches,she tells me to go "F" myself(she says the letter not the word),she hits us,she screams most of the time,every little thing sets her off(makes her upset,mad,or hurt). If I put her on time out or restriction,she refuses to comply,if I take things away from her,she really don't care,if I not allow her to go somewhere,she really don't care,if I refuse to buy her something,she gets angry but rather than listen,she just forgets about what she wants.She will get right up in our faces(about 2-3 inches away) and scream and cuss us,then hits us. Her Gammy is bed ridden and in very poor health,and she does the same to her.She knows how to pull our strings and push our buttons,and just about the time that I'm ready to expode and string her up,that quick (alot of the times) shes sorry,shes caring and loving,she hugs and kisses us,I know that everyone thinks that they are alone and that their problems are unique,and I am no exception to the rule,because I have NEVER seen another child act like this.She does have ALOT of negative issues regarding her mother,and has a reason to be angry with her,so I do take her to a counslor,because I feel she has a urgent need to be able to talk to someone,and she don't want to talk to us about us. Her Gammy and I are both older and in poor health,so I cant take her everywhere she wants and I'm not able to do the things with her that she wants(my walking is very limited),but there are things that we push ourselves to do with her and places we do take her,so she doesn't do without completely. There is no father in the picture for her,she kind of leans on my son for a male figure,but he has a young son and is very jealous of him. She has very limited friends,she doesn't do well with more then 1 or maybe 2 friends at a time. Her mother is bipolar,so I took her to a psychiatrist,BIG mistake,the dr also treats her mom,he says she has ADHD with bipolar traits,I DON'T agree,if she was,then she would be like that all the time,no matter where she was,thats not the case,in school she is a model student and make the honor roll or very close to it ,she likes school.When she goes to a friends houe,she is very well behaved and uses her manners,if she can do it everywhere else then she should be able to do it here,but she knows that all she has to do is run from us,Gammy is in bed and I can't hardly walk most of the time let alone run,so she does get away with alot.Anyway,we did some meds on her,she cc/o chest pains after a few weeks and there was no difference in her,so rather then putting more dangerous chemicals in her little body,after several med changes,I said no more,I talked to him about the 3 step program,and he was in the fog about it,so no more drs. I figured out that if meds dont work,and she has no behevior problems any where else at any time,then the problem lies with us.I have tried everything that I KNOW,we did the reward thing,I tried keeping her busy with chores,but she refused to do them after day 2.Shes not using the F-you words so much anymore,but that was because of a big mistake,she jumped in my face and caught me totally off guard,so I smacked her in the mouth,she was so shocked that I put my hands on her in that way,that she is careful not to say it now,or at least not too close to me. I did apologise to her for that,I never meant to do that,and I do love her so very much,but it made me wonder too,that maybe spare the rod,is not always such a good idea,but honestly,I never want to put my hands on her like that ever again. This is only a small part of how she acts,you just wouldn't believe it all if I told you. She jumps on the furniture,she slams doors to cause things to fall off the walls and break,she trashes the entire house,she will clean her bedroom up(once every6 months maybe) and by that night she has it trashed again,when I ask her why she done after all her hard work in there,she says,"I was bored"',I could go on and on about the things she does.I really wanted to get your book,I have no where else to turn,but thats alot of money to me,as I only get $123.00 a month from the state right now,thats it ! I am going to apply for SS,but I haven't yet,so if there is any advise that you could give me,I'll take any little tidbits that might help,I would greatly appreciate it.As she gets older she gets bolder and worse.We can't take the verbal,mental and physical abuse anymore,but shes not a horse that we're ready to put out to pasture yet either. WE're at the end of our rope, and lost is all hope !

Out-of-Control Foster Granddaughter