Online Parent Support Chat

30.9.09

Daughter showing clear signs of rebellion...

We have a 15 half year old daughter that for three years now, is showing clear signs of rebellion that will result in terrible consequences if we can find a way to better deal with it. Although she is not your "typical" rebellious disrespectful child who shows it to authority figures, she is very respectful and kind to her teachers and other adults, to us (my husband and I) its a different story. She lies about everything, and continues to as she has certainly seen over the years the measures we have taken in discipline. We home schooled her for a year due to incorporate behavior, failing classes, skipping dance class after school to be "around" boys and lying, the list goes on, but her teachers at the time as well as us had exhausted everything we could. She also was emaciated while we lived in Florida last year and sent to a center then transferred to a hospital adolescent unit, all which resulted in over $3000.00 again, she had another previous visit when we lived in Michigan to Toledo hospital the year prior for suicidal thoughts and cutting.

I know I may sound cold or concerned about money, that is really not my point, we are so tired of the "suicide cry" when she’s caught, the wanting to run away threats, the medical bills that are piled in collections due to "band aid" interventions, endless years of therapy from standard counselors to psychotherapist, medications, she is on 100mg of Zoloft currently and has been since she was 8 years old, not the 100mg but the medicine, NOTHING works, and we see her heading down a dangerous road.

I sometimes feel like I'm alone here with my feelings of anger that I sometimes question rather or not I love her unconditionally, I know that sounds horrible and is because I do love her and would never want anything to happen to her, but it’s like bracing yourself for what’s coming and I'm scared and angry.

We are a Jesus serving family and some of the ways we especially me have handled her, He I know is ashamed of me, and I even have an education in this field and seem completely helpless. Then we often wonder if we over react and make mountains out of mole hills? It's very difficult to try and try again to give enough rope so to speak and watch her "hang herself again", with the exception of the last year in half (Feb 2008-July 2009) we lived in Michigan our entire lives and just relocated back. Down in Florida it was the whole "adjustment disorder/depression" diagnosis, now what is it that we are back around family and familiars? She has had this pattern brewing even before we moved.

Her name is Brittani, sorry I didn't say that before. Brittani does have a biological father who comes and goes in her life and is ALWAYS the victim, not the adult who steps up, he continue to pound at her that "she rejects him", when in reality she has a much turbulent relationship with his wife. My husband Josh is fantastic to her and so much more loving than I am, she would tell you that too, she really couldn't of been more blessed with a step-father like him. Now from past experiences I grew up the same way divorced parents, alcoholism, and a step-father who was wonderful till I hit 14 years old and then it was hateful. I was mouthy, rebellious if you call it (not cleaning my room or emptying the litter boxes??? caused constant "packing my bags" to move me with my father? My parents never had issues of drinking or drugs with me and yet I was a terrible teenager. I got poor grades and had zero self-esteem, and then when I "barley" graduated from High school, I really made bad choices and got pregnant all to "show them". This is what steered me to further my education and go to college, I did and I clearly see the signs of danger and the same "spirits" that have a hold over her that had me? Hope I didn't lose you there, but I firmly believe that. Although we have so many similarities in our young lives, Brittani has stability, structure and a fantastic step-father, I had none of those, why is this happening?

We have a very limited income at this point, especially with just moving back, we really need to get something started but really don't know exactly what you would suggest. We also tried the series by James Lehman and that didn't work either, she isn't a juvenile delinquent child, who has stolen or disrespects authority, she is very careful who she disrespects and very sweet when you meet her, we both just see major red flags with the lying, and filthy talk with boys over "texting" that she knows better not to do because we check her phone and she stated to one boy she couldn't send nude pictures because we check the phone, it makes me sick and I'm so scared. Please offer some suggestions that could really help us understand what we are doing or not doing, is it true that there are just some people that are destined to screw up and really could careless? They really have no rock bottom?

I don't want to write you a book here, it’s too much to explain everything in a e-mail what has happened over the last three years, but I wanted to give you as much as I could, also she has done things with boys that exhibit promiscuous behavior, and we have forbidden her to date and just focus on making good friends and doing well in school and we find boys are everywhere that we ask her not to go, and she shows no self restraint in what we ask her. Again, Brittani clearly chooses selectively when to behave poorly and who too, which contradicts the first diagnosis from Toledo hospital that her "processing" is behind a few years, and she has ADHD, but very mildly.

We are terrified to be young grandparents, or have an addicted child, or have her "follow" peers and drive drunk or get in the car with someone who is and get killed, she just wants to fit in and so did I but I never did anything I didn't want to, I had the fear of God in me at a young age and was always to scared, she shows none of that?

My Out-of-Control Daughter

28.9.09

I am totally at my wits-end with my teenager daughter...

I am totally at my wits-end with my teenager daughter….she is almost 15 and rebels against everything.

1. She refuses to go school a lot of the time.
2. She uses me for lifts / money / etc.
3. She is abusive and swears if she doesn’t get her own way.
4. Has damaged her bedroom.
5. Has been violent to me in the past.
6. Sleeps out / drinks / smokes.
7. Expects me to provide money and buy her things – although she treats me badly.
8. Controls my movements – holidays – outings – everything I do
9. Threatens to run away

She is going to America for two week next Saturday and I hate to say I am looking forward to the break, however she has made it clear I am not aloud to go away whilst she is away – even though her trip has cost me £1500 in total….and I took her and her mate to Spain three weeks ago, I still must wait until she returns and then take her.

This morning she has not gone to school – she does have a throat infection and I’ve taken her doctors however she is already telling me she is going out tonight – I’ve said no and she ignores me.

How do I enforce discipline, if I take something away (privileges) she’ll refuse to go school tomorrow too and so on, it’s a constant battle with her.

She rings me at work and is abusive down the phone if I don’t jump to her constant demands….I can’t I have to work to keep the house going, pay the bill and put petrol in the car to run her around.

I feel drained by her all the time, it’s like walking on egg shells, it’s best not to speak a lot of the time, but then she accuses me of ignoring her, if I try to talk to her then I’m nagging and being nosey….she just causes arguments for the sake of it.

I need some help, fast….she has lied and turn all my family against me – I have no one to help me….the school are not particularly helpful – their teacher simply makes reference to ridiculous things!...like a persons name not matching their designer label clothes….it’s pathetic!

My Out-of-Control Daughter

6.9.09

Kortney has a very short fuse...

I have three children and two of them are great and I am at my wits end with my other child. She turns 14 today. I have punished her, taken away all of her priveledges and her favorite things that she enjoys and none of it gets to her. When I punish her, the other two have to suffer a little with her and they are great straight "A" students and its not fair to them. Just, please send me the out of control teen ebook and programs so I can download it and start it as soon as possible. I need to see some positive changes in her badly. I want to know that there is still hope for me to turn her into the person I know she has thepotential to be and please make sure that I don't get charged twice. Because like I said a charge has already gone through on the 4th and then one is tring to go through for the 8th. The one for the fourth has an order number one it next to my bank statement online, but the other one does not. Thanks and sorry for being such a pain. ijust lead a very stress filled life. My husband works out of state 16 to 20 days a month and leaves me at home doing everything and rearing the kids alone most of the time. I know I aqm not perfect, but as housewife it is my job and I feel like I am failing miserably. Kortney is from another marriage and she goes back and forth, both of our parenting skills are pretty strict. She takes things from us and others and doesn't think it stealing, she tells us that she was just using it and that's not stealing. I try to explain to her that if she doesn't ask for it or if we tell her she can't have it or use it that it is stealing, but she constantly does it.

I found a note from her to a friend on how to get back at your parents when they make you mad, explaining everything that she does to us. Which really burned my ass, because she always just shrugs her shoulders when I ask her why she done it and she says I don't know or I was just using it. Yet, I find a letter explaining all her devious actions in it to a friend. I feel lke when I take her places that I need to weigh her when we get there and weigh her when we leave, to make sure she hasn't taken anything. That is just a ridiculous feeling to have to have when you go places with her.

I admit that she has been a little spoiled. I just to give her alot, but it was generally rewards for good things, but on theother hand, my mother has given her everything she has ever wanted, up until a few months ago when she started disrespecting her and hitting my other two kids.

Kortney is extremely strong, she has been in gymnastics and works out alot. She is built like a bulldozer. She is getting increasingly stranger by the day. When her friends or people come over to stay or visit, she will go inside the house or to another room and sit in the dark listening to the radio. She wants her way and wants to be in control of everyone. I am sure that she gets these traits from me, because I am a dominator, a very strong woman. Had to toughen up when I was married to her dad. He was brutal. I took self-defense classes and crazily taught my children everything I learned, so they would be able to defend themselves, which isn't a bad idea, I don't think, but Kortney just takes things to extreme. She never picks or plays with her friends, she wants to be in control of them or the get their butts whipped. At this point, I am feeling like she needs to be stripped of all her bad ways and reprogrammed.

Her real dads marriage is on the rocks and when she goes over there, she intentionally makes them fight. Her step-mother is not a bad lady, but being married to him, I can understand her stresses. Kortney feeds on that. She has never tried to Stand up to Brandy, her step-mom, until labout a month ago. Brandy was mad at her about something and was yelling at her and Kortney turned to walk away to avoid the argument, then Brandy grabbed her by the arm and swung her around and ticked Kortney off and Kort jumped up in her face and started hollering at her ad her dad came in just in time to grab her fist right before it made contact with Brandys face.

Kortney has a very short fuse and I am hoping to lengthen it some and learn how to deal with her in other ways, using your program, instead of taking everything from her and grounding her. I just frankly need help... If I seem to loose my patients easily, it's because I do alot, but I am trying to destress my life. I have stopped hanging out with people who create chaos and live for the drama in their lives. I just can't take it all anymore. I am getting told for this crap.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

3.9.09

Daughter ran away from home...

I have a 16 year old daughter. She ran away from home a couple of weeks ago for a week as she didn't like our rules. Said she wanted her freedom. She finally came home but was only home for a couple of days off and on and then moved in with her sister. I feel bad for my older daughter as I don't think that is fair to her to have her sister there when she is so rebellious. We are both trying to stick to the same rules so that she knows she can't get away with things at her sister's either.

She just started school on Monday and already has 3 skipped classes as well as about 4 lates. She has a boyfriend that is her age. They just started dating about a month ago and things have gone steadily downhill since then. She stays out at nights and won't follow a curfew. She comes home drunk when she does come home. She has had the boyfriend over here and he won't leave even after we tell him he has to. They are both defiant. She calls us names. She now only calls me when she wants money - which I do not give her. She gets very angry about that. I have given money to my oldest daughter and asked her not to give it to her sister but to use it to buy what her sister needs. If my younger daughter has it, it will go to alcohol I am sure. She stole $60 from me last week but denies it. I know it was her as her and my husband were the only people in the house other than myself. She thinks she just come and go and do whatever she likes because if we don't like it, she will just leave which she has done. We have told our oldest daughter not to let her do the same to her and her husband. Our daughter skipped many classes last year as well and we came to find out that her and her friends were experimenting with drugs. She admitted to it after I found out about it. She said she is not doing that anymore but is drinking. We would tell her she could not go out and all of a sudden her friends (boyfriend included) pull up to the door and she runs out and goes off with them. She has a cell phone but won't answer our calls or texts. I have told her I will cancel the phone immediately if she will not answer us. I would have done this already but felt it was our only direct contact with her when she runs off as I kept hoping she would answer. She has caused much stress in our house. I have gone for counselling as I am having a very hard time dealing with all of this. The counsellor suggested we avoid contact with her for awhile and then if & when she does decide she wants to come home, we are to give her a 3 week trial period and see how it goes. Counsellor suggested we draw up a contract with all the rules/consequences clearly stated and have our daughter sign it. If she doesn't follow rules, she gets kicked out. I am so afraid of what will happen to her if we kick her out but none of us can go on like this much longer.

We have considered a residential treatment facility but we know she would run from wherever she was and that would devastate us for sure in not knowing where she was at all. We have tried dealing with this by asking her what she thinks the rules should be...she pretty much thinks there should be no rules and that we should just "trust" her to know what is right and wrong. Her boyfriend has no rules and comes and goes as he pleases so that looks pretty exciting to her. We don't know whether we should talk to the boyfriend's dad or not and see what his thoughts are. Our daughter and her boyfriend went out partying every night and came home drunk every night for probably 3 weeks straight. We are very concerned. We just need help with this situation as soon as possible as we are looking at all our options and want to do something sooner rather than later. She needs our help...she just doesn't want it.

My Out-of-Control Teen

1.9.09

13 was removed from our family into foster care by the authorities...

My wife and I are at our wits end - we moved to New Zealand from South Africa 13 years ago and to our dismay found that the discipline non existence in the schooling here - unlike South Africa. And we came to get away from the violence in South Africa. (Where my kids were exposed to seeing this - even to the point of seeing me being Hijacked at gunpoint outside my own home by four AK-bearing gunmen) When we arrived in NZ we had two children then aged 7 (son) and 9 (daughter). My son soon got diagnosed with ADD and started causing major problems for us.

After arriving in New Zealand we had another son who is now 11 and two years later another daughter now 9.

Within a few years my eldest son who was then about 13 was removed from our family into foster care by the authorities because of his violence towards us and his siblings. He soon got into drugs and we were unable to properly support him - Eventually at the age of 17 he was in trouble for Aggravated robbery and was jailed - he is still inside. - I always felt that he was not correctly diagnosed and that there was something a lot more sinister than simple ADD etc.

My younger son who we thought had escaped anything like ADD (or whatever) has over the past two years 'turned' and he has been in with the 'professionals' who have immediately labeled him with ADD and put him onto Ritalin (which has not made one bit of difference - in fact he seems worse). The school authorities in fact sent around a professional to advise us that he has got slight Ausbergers (which in some ways made some sense - but I do not think it is this either).

He now swears profusely and all the time and has resorted to attacking me and his mum with knives etc. I am on the verge of calling the authorities who no doubt will remove him from us - once again into the care of foster parents - and I am sure he will end up in prison too.

Life is not worth too much right now - and it just seems so strange that both my daughters are quite fine while both my sons have obviously got some weird. I am now believing I am a hopeless parent and that our daughters are just fortunate.

The law here in New Zealand has also recently changed and now parents are criminalized if giving their children a smack - and the kids use this against us as well. (I must be truthful here and say that I have never been a 'good' parent in this regard and hardly ever smack my children - probably to their detriment).

My Out-of-Control Child