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25.4.10

I am still having ongoing issues with my teenage daughter...

I am still having ongoing issues with my teenage daughter (almost 17). My frustration and anxiety levels have reached their max and I am at a loss as to what the best way is to deal with her.

First of all, she was being very angry, defiant, skipping school, staying away from home for days at a time, etc. and we had finally had enough and sent her to a therapeutic boarding school as nothing we tried seemed to work. She was there for 3 months and came back even worse than when she went there. She was just telling them everything they wanted to hear while she was in therapy there. I don't know how they did not see through it but she bluffed her way through and now we are paying the price of that - both emotionally and monetarily. She came home and moved out three days later. She moved in with her boyfriend at his aunt's place. I do not know why the aunt would allow this and had spoken with the aunt about it. She would say she was talking to my daughter and trying to get her to come home. I don't believe that for a minute as my daughter had been there now for almost 3 months. She helps with looking after the aunt's kids. The uncle is away working most of the time so when he is home, they cannot stay there. So, for a few days, she moved in with my older daughter and totally took advantage of that situation and would never come home when she should, etc. She ended up moving back to the aunt's as she was able to come and go as she pleased. She was supposed to be going to school but quit doing that. She did get a part-time job.

Now, the aunt has told them they cannot stay there. I still don't know why. I think the uncle is coming home for awhile. So, now our daughter has moved back home as she has nowhere else to go. She uses us once again as a hotel and I am sick of it already and it's only been a couple of days. She stays out all night and comes home for a few hours to shower and change and off she goes again. I cannot live like this and worry about where she is all night. I went through that nightmare already and do not want to keep going through it. We told her she can live here but there are rules. She doesn't want rules.

I have been to see a couple of different psychologists as I just do not know how to proceed with all of this. One has told me that I should just kick her out and let her make her own way in life. The other one is telling me that I need to take things slowly and work at getting our relationship back as she does not trust us anymore either for shipping her off to a boarding school. We had a transport service pick her up and take her so that was very traumatic for her. I totally understand that but we were desperate as to what to do to try and help her. We were not willing to kick her out of the house until we tried this first. She did great at school there and came out with very high marks. Now, she is refusing to go to school again so is pretty much a grade 11 dropout at this point. Her boyfriend has absolutely no motivation either and it's like the two of them are drowning together but can't see that. He has no family support other than this aunt.

Our daughter keeps telling us we are freak parents for sending her away and she will never forgive us. She said we have ruined her life because now she has no friends since she got back. It's just her and the boyfriend. Well, before she left, she ditched her friends, school, job, family, etc. to be with the boyfriend. She forgets all that.

I just don't know if this is going to work to have her live at home as she thinks she can just come and go as she pleases. So, it comes down to making a decision as to whether to continue to have some sort of relationship with her and slowly try and hopefully work through some rules or to kick her out and end up with no relationship with her at all. She is adopted and that comes with a whole other set of issues so we are always dancing around that. The psychologist I spoke to said that is most of the reason she is probably acting out the way she is and basically, we have to help her through all of this no matter what it takes.

I just want to have some peace back in my life. This is causing our family so much grief and health problems already. I am having a lot of resentment towards my daughter right now as I feel she is very selfish and we are doing all the giving and she continues taking without giving anything back. The only time she is nice to us is when there is something in it for her. I am so upset with her most of the time and I live in such anxiety right now as I don't even feel comfortable in my own home when she is here. Yet, when she isn't here, I am constantly worried about her. I just love her so much and want to get through this difficult time and help her get to a point that she will be able to move out and be a responsible member of society.

It just seems too little too late for what we have going on right now with our daughter. She has definitely had the taste of freedom staying at the aunt's so a little hard now to change her ways without kicking her out. We really don't want to go that route as we feel that would totally destroy our relationship with her and would be detrimental to her as she is going through these issues of adoption and already has feelings of abandonment due to that and the fact that we sent her away to school.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

1 comment:

Gayle said...

Boy, can I relate to everything you have said. I have gone through the exact same things and more. I can tell you the fact your daughter is adopted has nothing to do with her behaviour. My daughter is almost 19 and is my biological daughter and we still went through all this. What your daughter is going through is those defiant, rebellious teen years. Unfortunately there isn`t alot you can do but wait it out. The influence of peers especially boyfriends will over ride anything parents have to say. My daughter left home as soon as she turned 16 because she said she was old enough to do whatever she wanted. She did return at times and there were times we even had to kick her out because things got so bad. She lived with many different families of friends (who didn`t care about your concerns) and then eventually with her loser boyfriend who was 4 years older than her. We would get calls from her school that she was often late/absent, concerned teachers, conflict started to arise between my husband and I, our other two children were being affected by
the tension and grief within our home. Needless to say I feel I`ve been to hell and back. I never stopped worrying and was always upset. My other two children often heard rumors at school that my daughter was quite the partier and was into drugs. My husband and I talked with school counsellors, the principal of her school about her, social workers, police, therapists, you name it. The bottom line is there is nothing you can do because she is over 16 years of age. What we were told was, to let her know that your door is always open for her, that you love her and for us(parents) to move on. I didn`t like this decision but reality I had no choice because I could not control my daughter. I was also told because we raised her well and she had a good foundation, that will all come through eventually and she would come home. It was time we had to worry about ourselves and our other two children. My daughter did eventually make contact with us and slowly did become apart of the family again from her boyfriends place once she realized it wasn`t as great as she thought. She did get into drugs(which is a whole other story), but as she matured she realized it wasn`t the life she wanted anymore. She did move back home, dumped her boyfriend and is clean and in treatment. We have 3 years of mending of our relationship, but at least I have my daughter back. It was and is a long haul but things will improve eventually. Give your daughter space even when you know she is making mistakes. Good luck!