Online Parent Support Chat

17.5.10

Out-of-Control Daughter

My name is Diana Holley and I'm in a terrible dilemma right now. I'm not sure if I've waited too long. My daughter is 18 now and also the mother of a 2 1/2 year old little boy who is showing all the same signs of behavior. When I was looking into programs as far back as 5 years ago for my child, ALL of them were so expensive that I couldn't afford them, and my credit wasn't terrible, but I wouldn't have even been able to afford a repayment plan without it being such a financial burden that it would have just added insult to injury. Unfortunately, I was also living in Mississippi, where she was born and raised. Such a terribly oppressed state, with little to no funding for programs that deal with these kinds of problems, and the only "brat camp" facilities were limited to boys who were at least 16 years of age...so I was sort of at an impasse. My daughter can barely take care of herself, more less a child. She loves him, but is ill equipped in every other way to parent or care for her son. She is the poster child for this disorder. Constantly angry, can never hold a civil conversation with me, cannot and WILL not be held accountable for her actions, doesn't respond to requests to do just normal tasks of keeping her room picked up, to helping around the house without it escalating into a full blown argument up to and including slamming doors, etc. She hasn't finished high school...no surprise, has terrible self-esteem issues which break my heart. She doesn't work, and doesn't even drive! She has no way of being independent, yet she demands her freedom and the right to do things HER way. She puts HER needs before those of her son, and it's killing me to see her doing this to him as well as to herself. She constantly makes bad choice...in almost every area of her life. She will also sell ANYONE down the river to save her own hind end...so to speak, with no regard for whom she hurts in the process. She holds EVERYONE responsible for her problems except herself. She's always chosen the low road, never looking for higher ground. Unfortunately, she also has abandonment issues with her father who has walked away from her because she's a "clone" of me. He's called her terrible names, and although I believe in core values, I'm also not your conventional mother. I think outside the box, have tried any and all tactics that some thought weren't right, and others thought were brilliant. Again...to no avail. I've picked her brain....been supportive but also tempered the harsh stuff with love. I've tried desperately to balance my life and to help her with the fallout after her father and I split. Again...bad timing there. She was only 16 and pregnant at the time when our entire family fell apart. It was ugly because he made it as ugly as he could. When he walked away from me, he also left her. Her anger issues are all over the place. I can't help but to feel compassion for her when I see her hurting, but she won't reach out.

She's internalizing all her pain and she has limited communication skills. She continually makes the same mistakes over and over. When one tries to engage her in conversation, unless it's about some subject of interest to HER only, the only thing you get from her are one word answers. She holds me hostage by refusing to work, or finish school because of my grandson. I do 90% of the parenting because if I don't, then he suffers for it. I'm at my wits end here. Now for the final blow. She is currently in MS visiting the paternal side of my grandson's family. This is like the nightmare from hell. They are uneducated, illiterate, and both my daughter and the baby's father don't speak. My daughter is currently staying with the "great grandmother" because she's worn her welcome out at the grandmother's house. She's there because she can farm this darling little boy out to his dad, his grandmother, and his great grandmother, as well as friends of ours that still live there, while she runs from pillar to post visiting her friends and "hanging out" because she needs a BREAK. I understand that she's young, and way too young to have ever decided to keep this child and try to be a mother. I'm not only fighting her, I'm fighting the baby's daddy's whole family as well. My child stays in victim mode, and I know that the paternal grandmother is aligning herself to be able to try to get my grandson taken away from my daughter. That will be difficult, but if they take him right now, she has absolutely NO recourse, no way of getting him back, because there is absolutely NO paperwork in place that says she has physical custody of him, nor is there any jurisdiction for her in MS considering that she and the baby are both residents of the state of CA. I moved her and the baby out to California with me almost 2 years ago. She was in school for awhile, but she also suffers from terrible migraine headaches, as well as IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). Not to mention terrible menstrual problems. In short...she's a mess, and now it's time to come home as she has benefits here provided by the state which she will lose if she doesn't come back...and she just told me that she is 18 now and I can no longer tell her WHAT to do, or WHEN to do it.

She's out of money, has no job, no car, and no way to get to a job even if she got one. She's dependent on everyone for EVERYTHING, but this baby's welfare is as big an issue for me as is her's.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

No comments: