Online Parent Support Chat

22.7.10

I have a 14 year old daughter that I have indulged since birth...

Here is my situation maybe you can help me maybe you can't. I have a 14 year old daughter that I have indulged since birth. At thirteen she hooked up with a boy,became the dark emo type, started sneaking out and having sex. I eliminated the boy from her life and things got better for a while. In the process of eliminating she met a girl in her school who I thought was from a good stable family. This girl's family has a lot of money and worry about how everything looks.They appear to be responsible christian parents. About a month ago this girl's mother told me my daughter had sex at her house with a boy that was spending the night, in the room where 4 other kids were sleeping. She had know this information for about three weeks before she told me. This mother also knew the past situation with my daughter. I found out a couple of days later that my daughter was also stoned that night at her house and the mother was aware of that although she has never told me that. I found out when I checked my daughters phone by a text my daughter recieved from one her friends. I took all of my daughters priveliges away for about two weeks and then her friend asked her if she could come over to her grandmothers for a couple hours.

I told my daughter she could but that there would be no boys there and she would have to stick with my boundaries. I also talked with this girl about my boundries both when I dropped my daughter off and when I picked her up. Both girls agreed and told me they would obey with my wishes. I also told them if they broke my boundries that I would not allow them to see each other anymore. Later that night I was checking my daughters phone message and had a weird feeling about something I did not know what. I decided to check her pictures on her phone which I had never done. I found pictures of the boys at this girls grandmothers house that evening with my daughter and this girl.

Of course I totally overreacted and banned the girls from each other. I also have had my daughter in isolation since. this was six days ago. After the first day my daughters behavior went from moody and angry to pleasant and open.She told me this girl thought it was funny that they went against my boundries. Last night when I came home from work my daughter was back to moodyness. After she went to bed I looked thru her room and found a notebook she had written in. She had written a letter to me telling me she had thought about loving and hating me and that she hated me and if I should find her gone or dead that I should not cry for her stupid whore daughter. The letter was dated for the night after the incident at her friends grandmothers house which was thurs. Today is wedsnesday. I should have just let it go but I am not as healthy as I would like to be emotionally. Today I confronted my daughter about it and things went very badly with me threatening to call the police on the girls mother and that I was going to put my daughter in foster care. I did this in extreme anger. I know I was not doing the best thing for her or me. Now I have caused pain I cannot take back. I am under a lot of stress.

My husband and father of my two children is a truck driver and has been since my daughter was 1 1/2 years old. Before he went on the road the first time he would put my daughter to sleep every night. after he went on the road she at 1 1/2 yrs old would not have anything to do with him when he came home on the weekend. I have raised them on my own with no imput from my husband. I am a recovering heroin addict with 18 years off of it. I was raised in the drug culture and my parents got me stoned from age 4 on. when I was 11 my mom got sober. It was to late for me. I became wild and promiscuous and by the time I was 14 I was living with a man that was 32 with my parents permission. I got sober at 31 and then had my children. When I had ten years of sobriety I relapsed on pot and have struggled with it for the last eight years. Today I have 8 days completely clean. I live with so much emotional pain and fear that my children will follow my path that I know I am creating things that I do not want. To make matters worse I recieved a letter saturday letting me know our home is being foreclosed on and the sale date is in 3 weeks. I have no money and I am in so much stress every day. Also we moved from CA to TN 7 years ago which added more trama to us all. I need help and do not know where to get it.

After my mom got sober she became a drug and alcohol counselor and has helped many people yet she is not able to help us because she has a selfish mean streak and I do not respect or even like her. I love her because she is my mother and I am forced to work with her every day in a business that we have. Sometime I completely understand how my daughter can hate me because so often I feel the same way about my mother and I hate the duty that forces me to take care of her. She is 71. Then I feel so guilty for feeling that way beacuse she is good to me and would give me anything she could. I still resent her for the way she neglected me and how now she says I should do this with my daughter or that. Like keep her with me all the time or spank her. I am sorry to be so long winded. I do not trust anyone and just need help.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i am so sorry for your stress, you can not control your daughter, you can only support her and hope that she will be ok. Your health is vry important also, take care of you.
she will come back if the door is open, no one knows why some kids get like this, don't worry about getting angry, we all do that, and you can't feel guilty, she knows the difference. Just relax, try to understand as she gets older she will be better.