Online Parent Support Chat

31.1.10

We have an out of control teen...

We have an out of control teen (drinking and he recently got caught drinking at baseball practice) and not coming home on time, totally disrespectful to the parents. I'm his stepmother and he's 16. I've been in his life for 7 years now, married for 5. He's lived with us for 2 because his mom couldn't handle him. He is basically a good kid but not to his parents. I don't really know what to do. I'm angry and I've lost a lot of respect for my husband as he sets rules and he constantly breaks them – not only with this child but with his 2 others as well. I mean, he can't even follow a rule (my husband) for a day with these kids for the most part. We are not on the same page and now they have finally sought help because I insisted as he stated to my husband that he was going to punch me in my face (I heard him as he called DH on cell phone in the next room and DH put him on speaker). He had been drinking when he said it. I told him if I found out he was in the car with his friend and they were drinking that I would call the police. I would do so to protect him. I also told him, after his threat, that if he threatened me again or touched me I would also call the police. Threats are not acceptable to me. He has pretty much been respectful towards me until this time. There is a lot of tension in my home. My husband is getting help and needs to set up rules and follow them but I have no faith that he will follow anything, and nothing will change. He thinks all therapists are quacks. We are all (including his mother) going to meet with a therapist in a few days to go over rules that are to be set up (a contract that I tried to set up with Rules/Privileges/Consequences over a year ago that my husband agreed to follow and never did). I don't want to go because I know that DH will not follow them...and nothing will change. The parents are the problem. The mom has no control in her house at all. I don't know if your program will help me. I'm kinda fed up at this point and am very unhappy.

My Out-of-Control Teen

22.1.10

She has become very rebellious...

I am writing to you today and tell you about my daughter. She is just 18 and in December of 2009 decided it was time for her to move out on her in another city, just 20 minutes from her family. In the last year she has become very rebellious and prior to that she has steadily becoming unruly for the past 3 years. We have been to counseling and she never saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed her with Anxiety and Depression. She is still in counseling and on medication for two and half years now. She now wants to come back home and go back to school and get her grade 12 diploma. She did not go to school in September 2009 because she said she was under a lot of stress. So she did correspondence and received three credits and is working on a fourth credit before second semester begins on Feb 2, 2009. She still is arguing with her Father and this was even happening for a while now. My husband is not the problem, he just points the obvious out and this upsets her and then she gets yelling and showing no respect and figures she has the upper hand.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

9.1.10

Angry Daughter

I have a situation, that has me totally perplexed. I have a brilliant, bright daughter. She is 17, she is in the top 5% of her class, her grades have always been high honors, she does community work, she tutors. She is involved in lots of after school activities. Her teachers praise her highly of being the perfect student/daughter and mentor.

At home, she is a terror. I would say she bullies myself, her father and siblings on a daily basis. She is often angry and will lash out if you maybe give her a glance the wrong way. It is getting worse and I am getting more and more frustrated with the treatment she gives us. She is responsible for a few weekly chores around the house and I am always having to keep on her about getting them done. She will use foul language and even with losing her privileges will not stop unless she decides to stop.

I see no empathy in her for anyone, she is very righteous and doesn't have much compassion. She will belittle anyone who doesn't have her same beliefs.

I realize she is young and some of these things are learned life experiences, but I can't live like this anymore. I have always been a stay at home Mom, I have devoted my life to my children and I wouldn't change that for anything, I know it's not my fault, she owns her own behaviors, I just need to know if this will help me cope...I have a young son at home still and I am finding myself feeling very tense when afternoon rolls around and I know she'll be home soon, I've thought about getting a job to remove myself from the situation for a while and that saddens me to no end.

I hope I am making sense, yesterday evening was another last straw for me...this is an example of how ugly things have become...

She phoned at 3:30, wanting to have a couple of friends over for dinner. I said yes, made them a nice dinner, allowed them to have the living room to watch a movie and left to get groceries. I returned home at 9:30 PM, I was tired and wanting to use the laptop, with a cup of tea. She decided she was going to take the laptop to her room, that I didn't need it.I reinforced, that I would be using the laptop, leave it and the charger downstairs.She looked right at me and proceeded to take the charger upstairs.

I took the laptop to the living room and started to use it...she comes downstairs minutes later and sits beside me and starts in on me...asking am I done yet, why do I need to use the laptop, am I doing this just because she wants to use it, I tell her to stop, tell her to bring me the charger. She tells me no, I don't need to use it for that long, she keeps on me and on me...this is what I consider being bullied. She made a remark that I was just being a bitch and I'm not proud, but I slapped her mouth, it wasn't with force but it was a slap none the less and I'm not very proud of myself for doing that, that was the first time. She jumped up and started hitting on me and scratching me and telling me I had no right to hit her ....my husband came into the room and held on to her wrists until she stopped...it was probably only a few minutes, but it seemed like forever. She is always using her body weight to push me, or shove me, she also has hit her brother. She does have consequences for these actions. She'll lose TV time, her driving privileges or cell phone. I just can't live like this anymore.

I feel so alone, because outside the house she is perfect and people are always telling me what a lovely beautiful daughter I have.

I'm a little long winded here, I'm sorry for that. I was just wondering if this program would help me, is this normal to behave one way out side of the home and then such a huge contrast in behavior at home. Is there something I am doing that is reinforcing the bad behavior?

My Out-of-Control Daughter

2.1.10

Out-of-Control Daughter

After reading the information provided about your e-books, etc. I am hopeful but still scared. My life, even with weekly counseling for my daughter, is so bad that we have almost been kicked out of my mother’s home, due to her defiant and aggressive behavior. She is failing school due to refusal to turn in homework, she steals from other family members and has a "whatever" or "I don't care attitude" that is not improving.

I know that there are no guarantees, that every child and parent is different. What I need is more guidance on how to help her care have more self control and less defiance. I am a divorced parent, her father is an alcoholic who she is only allowed to see occasionally due to his abuse.
As you stated in your article I have looked at other articles on the web, and have been unsuccessful in seeing anything that would benefit the entire family, except yours, as I feel it will take a family effort to help my daughter become the young lady she can become.

My Out-of-Control Daughter