Online Parent Support Chat

17.3.10

16-year-old Son Having Sex With 15-year-old Girl

Up until 5 days ago, our 16 year old son would have been described by everyone who knows him as a "good kid". So, not knowing where to turn, and not having anyone that I can talk to, I came upon your site. I wasn't sure it would apply to our situation, but decided to give it a try. Yesterday I read all of session #1 and found it to be very appropriate and helpful. I cried off and on all afternoon. My son is the youngest of 3 boys, his brothers are 28 and 23 and are not at home; one being out on his own, one still in college. obviously, we are older parents; 62, and 53.

I can see that, yes, we have been over indulgent with this, "the baby" of the family, and that he has successfully charmed me into giving him more freedom than he is able to handle. For the parent quiz, my husband got a 68, I got an 80. Guess who the child comes to?-yes, me. We have joked in the past about him being a real "Tom Sawyer"-that he could always manage to get everyone else to do things for him. He has always been pleasant to be around, done just fine in school, etc, etc.

So imagine our shock of discovering that he and his girlfriend, (of only 3 months, and who is only 15), have been having sex for the last 2 weeks. We went to her parents, and told them what we had discovered, and we are all in a bit of shock. My first concern was to discern if this was something that he forced upon her, but her mother and I have both come to the conclusion that it was a mutual stupidity. They have not seen each other except at school since last friday. We live in a VERY small and remote town, and I told my son not to tell anyone about it, and that we would not either, to protect them both. But I really have no one to talk to, and am really needing someone. I fully intend to continue with your course, but also feel an urgency about the situation; about how best to handle things. For his very first "out of control" act, he picked a big one.

My Out-of-Control Son

14.3.10

Out-of-Control Daughter

My daughter is out of control or IS just trying to drive me crazy. Well it started about a month ago. She stopped hanging out with her friends . She started hanging out with different crowd of kids. she started missing class and lying about it. I did see a change in her but nothing I thought I had to worry about. Then last week she called me at work and she something happened.I had to get out of work early. So when I picked her up she had looked like someone jumped her. She did'nt want me to take her to the ER to get checked out. Well to make a long story short. She lied and had got into a fight she set up. The cops gave her a ticket for fighting and lying about it. They also gave me a ticket as well they said I knew about everything.That same night I told her she was grounded. She flipped. Said she did'nt have to do anything I said. She did not come home until the next morning .(she was gone for 12 hours.) My daughter has never been like this with me. I'm at a lost at what to do. Can you help me in this. It seems like she is drifting away from me everyday. I dont want to lose my daughter. I am a singel mother with no help from her father. I'm at my last rope.

Out-of-Control Daughter

8.3.10

I am now so tried and worn out...

I live in Australia and I am at my wits end I am so close to just walking out I feel so angry, sad and depressed…. I have 2 girls one 17 and one 15 and a son 8 the girls rule the roost they scream every time they don’t get what they want and believe me I am no pushover I do stand my ground trying to keep some control as a parent….. my husband works very long hours so he is not there to help very much with parenting and his way is to just give in and do what they want to keep the peace ………… it’s so intense in my house that I feel everyone just wants to check out.

When i don’t give my children what they want they want because I don’t like to give in to them when they are throwing abuse at me or pushing me… they scream so loud I am amazed the police don’t come. The down side to trying to keep control over my house and my life is that every day there is fighting in my house my little boy has to witness this all every day. I am scarred that things might get out of control and someone will get hurt or hurt them self. I am so worn out that I have resorted to putting my eye pod in my ears for sanity because I cant stop them screaming when they don’t get what they want but the oldest child has started pushing and hitting me my husband says if he go’s to give them a smack or ground them it just makes things even more intense his way is to check out …. it is affecting my marriage this has been going on for years and I am having chest pains and really don’t think myself or my marriage will survive this. I have been to a psychologist and have taken my 15 year old to one as well… she has been taught all the skills to deal with her anger but she chooses not to use these skills….The 17 year would not go… and I have done heaps parenting groups and anger management groups trying to fix my self I always seem to be trying to fix myself because I know people will only change if they choose to and my kids like to blame me for ever thing that’s has gone wrong in there life. I am angry all the time because this is what I am living with daily that’s why I try so hard to fix me but I have had enough of blaming me for there behaviour.

I am now so tried and worn out that I just tell them to go away or swear at them anything to survive this living hell I know I sound negative but I have been living this now for about 15 years. The only way I can describe my life is like I have a big open wound on me and when I am away from them it starts to heal but as soon as I am with them it starts to bleed again so it can never heal…. I feel hopeless like I can’t escape them all I want is a happy family and I do love them all so very much that’s what’s makes it so hard to leave. I just don’t know anymore…. I must admit myself and my husband at this stage don’t talk nicely to them and there is quite a bit of… swearing I cant control that either been trying for years to stop everyone swearing and now I seem to be swearing quite a bit myself. It seems like I try so hard to be a good mum and do all that’s I was suppose to do to raise them right talking about feelings with them and doing lots of sport and never missing a event that they have on… somehow I fail .. whatever I do its never enough they just abuse me daily … because i have try so hard for so long I think i have giving up on ever having happiness again.

Out-of-Control Teens

6.3.10

Out-of-control Son

My son has always been somewhat arrogant, has never done real well in school (although he was passing), and has been a "story teller" since he could talk. However, his attitude has progressed. Now that he is bigger than me, and outweighs me, he uses intimidation and threats to get what he wants. I have never abused my son. I admit, when he was little, and when pushed to exteme he has gotten a swat on the butt. I work nights so I could be with him more during the day. My sister lives within walking distance and she has 4 kids. I only have the one. My mom and step-dad live in the mountains, where my son used to love to go hunting and fishing. I've always stressed how important school was and encouraged my son by giving him access to a home computer. I bought him educational computer programs, toys, etc. My son is very smart and knows how to manipulate very well. Before his dad died (we were never married) I had to put a restraining order against him because he would not return my son one time when I let him go with him.. Mind you, my son's dad was not an upstanding citizen. He did not work, pay anything for my son and provide any supervision to my son or his other kids (the youngest is 10 years older than my son). I did the best I could often taking my son on trips to Santa Cruz, Fort Bragg, etc.

Presently, I was in the process of restoring my first vehicle - a truck - for my son when he turns 16. My son thinks it is his and got upset when I wouldn't give him the keys. This is when his hatred for me started. About 2 weeks ago. He has since, ran away 2x, refused to go to this school (which was a good school) he wanted to retrurn to his old school (where he was suspended more than he attended) but he could manipulate the principal and teachers. He spoke too the principal of his old school and she told him he could return (without talking to me first) so my son walked off the grounds of his new school, or would refuse to participate in class or even gio. After involving the sheriff several times, the new school (out of our district) did not want him anymore - so he returned to his old school. There he told the principal I abused him (which I haven't) she told him she was going to file a report with CPS. My son is hateful to me, lies says I abuse him or I kicked him out. My sister intervened and told him he could stay with her. For my own sanity I agreed,.

My personal feeling are I am not getting any support from the school or my sister. They are contributing to my son's bad behavior by giving in to him which I think reenforces his idea that I am wrong and he is right. I have spoken to the sheriff who tells me there is nothing I can do. I can't abandon him - which I never said I wanted to - I can't do anything to him for not going to school or being abusive towards me. My son is still misbehaving even after he now attends his old school which is what he wanted ---he refused to watch a movie and instead laid down in the middle of the class--He has no respect for authority. He is rude to the sheriff offficers, principal and teachers. He refuses to talk to me and tells me "this is what I am going to do! What are you going to do about it?" He is too old and big for me to spank or restrain. I cry out of frustration andn he just laughs and does what he wants anyway. I've looked into "therapeutic schools" , "military schools" and they are way to expensive. I am an RN and make good money but I can't afford that.

My Out-of-Control Teen

5.3.10

She shows total disregard for me as her mother...

I'm a mother of 2 beautiful girls, sadly my eldest was killed, my marriage broke down and I lost all my assets. All this happened in 2 years. I have since brought my youngest daughter up single handed. She is 14 and has just started to date, I feel that although she is young in age she is old in the head. She/we both have been through many tough times together and I have tried to give her the best parenting I can despite everything.

My daughter not only lost her sister, her father but a lifestyle that had been given. With the breakdown of the marriage I was left with sole responsibility for her well-being. I don't mind admitting, I'm struggling at the moment.

I have always taught my children to take responsibility for their actions and to understand that there are consequences for wrong decisions made and that there are always lessons to be learnt, if lessons are not learnt then we fail to change our behaviour.

I completely understand that my daughter is angry but she is constantly directing this anger at me. I don't mind admitting that sometimes I just blow my top. I too have been through a tough 2 years with no support from anyone, but she has had me. I feel hurt when she turns on me as I am the only constant person in her life, there regardless.

All she ever says to me is that she doesn't care, she thinks that I don't care for her, even though I am here after school everyday, I'm at the end of the phone if she has a problem and am always willing to listen and help her come to some conclusion about whatever difficulties she might be facing.

At the beginning of last year her father refused to pay her school fees and consequently she was kicked out of school. I was unable to take on the role of fee payer after my "husband" walked away from the pressure of family and business life. I took full responsibility of bringing up both daughters. Sadly Samara (17) was killed by her boyfriend who was the driver of the car they were in. Yet again I took responsibility of the funeral arrangements and informing everyone on the planet, or so it seemed. With no help or support from her father. He is the kind of person who likes to take the credit but will not take responsibility when things get tough, hence him walking away.

I know that I am dealing with lots of issues here and have already found professional help for my 14year old as she started self harming after moving schools at Easter last year. I understand that she is a "teenager" and to be honest I'm sick of people saying I have to accept the behaviour that she is displaying. She shows total disregard for me as her mother, comes and goes as she pleases and talks to me like rubbish. I want to regain some order in my house.

My Out-of-Control Daughter