Online Parent Support Chat

27.5.10

Parenting Problems

My problem with the second one 17 years old but before I go more on my story I would like to introduce myself and my husband to you first full you must know Egyptian means ,Egyptian is very strict families, love their kids to obey there orders and if not they allowed to be hit as behaviour dieseline way of teaching them a lesson and withdraw any goods they allow for them like taking their mobile ,not buying any wishing things they want, not allowing them out, allot of things such but for us we grown that way in Egypt. We immigrate to Australia 15 and half years ago we did not got support from any one even the church we found our way after bad advice from bad thoughtful people we worked hard my husband as a chef and I am as housekeeping we find it hard with 2 littlie kids in your hand we suffer in where we can leave them in good hand I love my kids so much so I was always worry mum all the time and stressed person and I have to work the life cannot go on one hand it must be our 2 hands I worked hard, my time with kids was short plus I am nerves person I have not found love as will so I could not gave love to them but I love them in my heart but I could not show it for some reason I really do not know why, I do not want to look weak in front of them or showing the love means , It’s hard with me I do not know why .The life keep talking us from stage to stage .

When my oldest son turned 15 things start going wrong number 1 his ADHD having difficulty learning he hates school does not like study and that’s not acceptable for Egyptian .Egyptian must go to school and get there degree and after you can do what you want , it took us a lot of trying programs with specialist and counselling but nothing ever go right he lift school in year 10 start hanging around with bad groups running away from home and I use to run after him everywhere we been like tom and jerry I am the only one can find him where ever he is, check on his friends things like that ,he lift the house for one month I know nothing of what he doing at all I know where he stayed and call him to check on him , one day he came home with his bag ad another problem start appear what we should do to help him , we tried to push him going back to school but he hate it I pushed him to take classes in one of Australian institute to push him find a way for his future .Now he is 20 with no study , work or future but he drop a lot of bad friends minimise them he still have some bad friends but he knows much better about his life but he do not know what he should do for leaving he good now but I feel sorry for him because he lost years of his life and achieved nothing ,still not sure what to do or even what to study or work.

With this boy’s problem I missed on my second one the girl, but she showed me she is good minded and good kid and supportive all through all this stressful ,bad, hard , sickness time in my life she always shows mature attitude but in the year 9&10 her teacher always complain about her answering back and bad attitude against her teachers she always says it is a bad school take me to a public school they really good, I know the public school always have a top teachers in the state so I said we will gave it a try specially we moved houses ,in the beginning of year 11 the school gave me a lot of complain like she’s not finishing her home work or handing them on time we start going to specialists and therapist and taking medication for concentration and did really help she start improving her work her attitude with her teacher going really will her score is improved and her final results was very good ,she wants to go into law and by end of year 11 things goes wrong, after finishing the school she wants to go out a lot, one night I wake up after hearing mobile ringing I went to see how’s mobile is this ringing at 2 o’clock in the morning I went to my son’s room he said not mine I went to my daughter to ask her but no respond I took the cover off it was the billow I checked the house before waking up every one no trace for her I screamed sandy’s not home every one was looking in deferent location , and when I start to take the car key to run to the street to look for her she called mum I am here we all wounder where did she came from we searched the house all over any way she was on out cloth we did not believe what she said to us that she was in the back yard having fresh air ? fresh air in full out cloth on and make up? We screamed to her and asking who do you been with she keep saying no one any way we made the night goes.

The next day she said I will tell u the true I was smoking and was scare to tell you, I made a deal with her we will quit together at the same time I made my promise but she did not. I check on her on another night she was not there again and in two mints she came saying same story but we did not believe her and we or me reach the anger points we start hitting her and giving order not going out I slept in her room and somehow she manage to run away but for longer, saying I am not coming back I called her found her as tom and jerry way she said do not worry I will come back when I calm down, I forgot to tell you we thought strait a way that she having relationship with a boy and we saw a photo of them on her face book and that was the big matter for us we are strict family and having relationship with boy that is not acceptable at all specially his from Ethiopia dark skin background that was the end for me we got angry and she came back home after one week we forced her to have no contact with him at all and she seemed like she really stoped seeing him after my son threaten him by killing him do not forget my son knows where to find a people to help him doing such thing but I am sure he is good heart won’t let him do things like that and scare of going in trebles ,but if he start he well ,he knows a lot of hill angels people they are bad and they cannot do anything they above the law and the police have no such a way to deal with them . any way she came home we made a deal we will try to trust her but she must obey our rules and gave her some freedom, we did but on the new-year eve she said do not make a plan I am going in my friend’s house she having a party and all the girls will sleep over in her place after but we said take your time but no sleeping over we will pick u up when u done she said ok and her dad asked her for the address she replied when I see her I will gave it to you we waited for her call to gave us the address but she did not I called her and said where are you and how u with and where is the address she said I am not going to gave it to you and she hang up on me, it was a shock for me being rude that much with no respect at all it did hurts me.

I waited a bit to get over it and I start call one of her friends going to the same party but she did not answer I did not stop until she answer her friends phone say stop calling my friend I am not giving you her or anyone else and hang up on me again another shock for me. any way she came the next day home I checked her bag it was going out cloth inside, not home party cloth I got angry I start screaming and hitting her and said you not going out any more you will come with me at work every day and no more talking to those girls anymore and I lock her with us waiting for our priest to come to be involved in this but somehow she snick her way out again but this time I did not try calling her or any of us, we said leave her until she find it hard to leave without money, family or enough cloth she has to come home with her full decision to be back home while she insisting to go to university. Now tell me how is this could happened in three weeks changing her and our life upside down I did not finish with her brother yet to face another problem in my life I cannot take it any more I cannot handle this and tom and jerry way not working with her I do not even have the gout to do it anymore.

I want to know how your program could help my case considering our strict life and following our rules at the same time , bad reputation in our community means the end of her future she will never get married or have a good friends from church or even people saying hello to her that will finish her off not by my hand but with her old close friend from church please respond to me e-mail explain how your program actually can help me and this is not sort of commercial add for money I lost hips of money running after doctors , programs, medication and losing my health day after day .

Thank you and forgave my English it is really bad try to understand my point I could not wait for someone to help me fixing letters I am trying to get it out of my heart by myself if you could not understand my story fell free to call me on my mobile if you want it for your knowledge I wanted end up my life as I have done before but the god gave me another chance of life but I am really desperate and can do it again I am hopeless and stressed women in the earth.

Online Parent Support

25.5.10

My son is now 19 and has been uncontrollable...

My son is now 19 and has been uncontrollable and has tries drugs and alcohol, He is antisocial. I am unable to find any real support and he has tried to commit suicide twice (once by hanging). I currently have him in hospital to stabilize his medications but believe he needs to make the adjustments himself rather than rely on meds. I have been supportive but in my love I think I have ruined him... He lies steals and resists all the way. I have always believed in taking responsibility and have tried to get him to earn his way... he just seems to not care, stays in his room and avoids life. He is a very sensitive incredibly smart young man with a lot going for him but he just avoids... he seems to have social anxiety and depression... he uses alcohol and abuses his medications. I am so fearful of him killing himself I am quite ineffective (I found him hanging so am extremely traumatized by this event)... Help help help... I have been trying everything here but the medical help here seems ineffective... I have recently told him he cannot come home unless he finishes the program in hospital, which is 3 weeks, and so far hasn’t done a thing.

My Out-of-Control Son

17.5.10

Out-of-Control Daughter

My name is Diana Holley and I'm in a terrible dilemma right now. I'm not sure if I've waited too long. My daughter is 18 now and also the mother of a 2 1/2 year old little boy who is showing all the same signs of behavior. When I was looking into programs as far back as 5 years ago for my child, ALL of them were so expensive that I couldn't afford them, and my credit wasn't terrible, but I wouldn't have even been able to afford a repayment plan without it being such a financial burden that it would have just added insult to injury. Unfortunately, I was also living in Mississippi, where she was born and raised. Such a terribly oppressed state, with little to no funding for programs that deal with these kinds of problems, and the only "brat camp" facilities were limited to boys who were at least 16 years of age...so I was sort of at an impasse. My daughter can barely take care of herself, more less a child. She loves him, but is ill equipped in every other way to parent or care for her son. She is the poster child for this disorder. Constantly angry, can never hold a civil conversation with me, cannot and WILL not be held accountable for her actions, doesn't respond to requests to do just normal tasks of keeping her room picked up, to helping around the house without it escalating into a full blown argument up to and including slamming doors, etc. She hasn't finished high school...no surprise, has terrible self-esteem issues which break my heart. She doesn't work, and doesn't even drive! She has no way of being independent, yet she demands her freedom and the right to do things HER way. She puts HER needs before those of her son, and it's killing me to see her doing this to him as well as to herself. She constantly makes bad choice...in almost every area of her life. She will also sell ANYONE down the river to save her own hind end...so to speak, with no regard for whom she hurts in the process. She holds EVERYONE responsible for her problems except herself. She's always chosen the low road, never looking for higher ground. Unfortunately, she also has abandonment issues with her father who has walked away from her because she's a "clone" of me. He's called her terrible names, and although I believe in core values, I'm also not your conventional mother. I think outside the box, have tried any and all tactics that some thought weren't right, and others thought were brilliant. Again...to no avail. I've picked her brain....been supportive but also tempered the harsh stuff with love. I've tried desperately to balance my life and to help her with the fallout after her father and I split. Again...bad timing there. She was only 16 and pregnant at the time when our entire family fell apart. It was ugly because he made it as ugly as he could. When he walked away from me, he also left her. Her anger issues are all over the place. I can't help but to feel compassion for her when I see her hurting, but she won't reach out.

She's internalizing all her pain and she has limited communication skills. She continually makes the same mistakes over and over. When one tries to engage her in conversation, unless it's about some subject of interest to HER only, the only thing you get from her are one word answers. She holds me hostage by refusing to work, or finish school because of my grandson. I do 90% of the parenting because if I don't, then he suffers for it. I'm at my wits end here. Now for the final blow. She is currently in MS visiting the paternal side of my grandson's family. This is like the nightmare from hell. They are uneducated, illiterate, and both my daughter and the baby's father don't speak. My daughter is currently staying with the "great grandmother" because she's worn her welcome out at the grandmother's house. She's there because she can farm this darling little boy out to his dad, his grandmother, and his great grandmother, as well as friends of ours that still live there, while she runs from pillar to post visiting her friends and "hanging out" because she needs a BREAK. I understand that she's young, and way too young to have ever decided to keep this child and try to be a mother. I'm not only fighting her, I'm fighting the baby's daddy's whole family as well. My child stays in victim mode, and I know that the paternal grandmother is aligning herself to be able to try to get my grandson taken away from my daughter. That will be difficult, but if they take him right now, she has absolutely NO recourse, no way of getting him back, because there is absolutely NO paperwork in place that says she has physical custody of him, nor is there any jurisdiction for her in MS considering that she and the baby are both residents of the state of CA. I moved her and the baby out to California with me almost 2 years ago. She was in school for awhile, but she also suffers from terrible migraine headaches, as well as IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). Not to mention terrible menstrual problems. In short...she's a mess, and now it's time to come home as she has benefits here provided by the state which she will lose if she doesn't come back...and she just told me that she is 18 now and I can no longer tell her WHAT to do, or WHEN to do it.

She's out of money, has no job, no car, and no way to get to a job even if she got one. She's dependent on everyone for EVERYTHING, but this baby's welfare is as big an issue for me as is her's.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

14.5.10

Adopted Daughter with ODD, ADHD and Attachment Disorder

We adopted her at the age of 4 1/2 years old. She is 1/2 hispanic and 1/2 white. She has always been extremely self-willed. She also was diagnosed with ADHD when she was in the 3rd grade. She was on concerta up until this past fall. Or at least she was occasionally using it until she went to Middle School. Everything was fine up until she went to 7th Grade. She went from a small elementary of 14 kids to the middle school where there was 200 students per class. She started off fine, but then she started getting into the social scene with boys. After the first quarter of that year things went downhill with her grades. Then in 8th grade she was sexually harassed by a student who told her if she didn't have sex with him, he would stab her then boyfriend. He actually brought a knife to school and was caught, suspended and brought to court. We had to go to court (she never had to testify as he plea bargained), but after a few months we found out he did not like his lawyer and the bargain was off. We then had to go back to court where they again plea bargained and he was placed on probation. During these few months, he was suspended from school. When he came back to school (there was a restraining order on him not to go my daughter, Victoria) she had to suffer by having to go different routes so as to not run into him. This made her feel like she was being punished for not even doing anything wrong.

She made it through this, but her grades greatly suffered. This is when (I think) she stopped taking her pill even though I watched her every morning take it. Another important fact is that her father is a Math teacher at her high school. He is a strict teacher and does not put up with much. She of course would make friends with kids that did not want to work at school and would get her Dad as a teacher and hate him. They of course told Victoria this. She always makes friends with kids who have problems. She has very low self-esteem and feels intimated by kids that do well. Well anyway, she made it through her freshman year, with not the best grades, but at least passed. This year (her sophomore year) has been a nightmare. She did get a job last summer at McDonald's and did really well. Then when September started, she insisted that she did not need to take her medication. Since we could not force her, we said we would try it. The fall semester was not too bad. Also, I should mention that over the years that she has been in middle school, she has been harassed because she is 1/2 hispanic and looks like she could be black. Several kids have called her a f...ing "n". She even showed me an email message where a girl friend had called her that and told her that nobody wanted her here and she should go back to where she belonged. She has reported several of them and they were suspended.

Everything has gotten worse this past year in January. We always let her have a cell phone, but without texting. She decided she was going to have texting and when she was shopping with a friend she bought her own texting cell phone. Since then she has really become out of control. We are at our wits end, besides being so tired trying to figure out what is right and wrong with her. She also has become violent, punching holes in her bedroom walls. If she doesn't get her own way, she will slam doors, and bang her walls.

She has been to therapy off and on since we adopted her. We are now going through family therapy. I know we are supposed to use positive reinforcement, but sometimes she pushes our buttons that we lose it.

There are so many things to tell about her. She has become ODD as well as having an attachment disorder. She has two sisters, who we have been trying to have her keep in touch with, but they also have many problems of their own, including attachment disorder.

In April, she was so upset and angry when she went to school, that we had to take her out of school and do home computer schooling. This, of course, is not working out too well, because she won't ask for help and when I try we get into fights.

She outsmarts me and I wear down. Like for example, jut this week I thought we were making progress when we let her have an 18 year old boy pick her up and hang out with him at his house. She was like a different person, but then the next day when it came time to do her school work she is back to her mean self (which is nasty).

My Out-of-Control Adopted Daughter

I am the step mother of a very defiant 17 year old...

I am the step mother of a very defiant 17 year old. He just left our home again for the numerous times to go stay with his mother. He was diagnosed 10 years ago of being bi-polar he is very high strung and easily angered. Five doctors and many therapists later....His biological mother took him off all his meds...Although, he still had problems none was as severe as her messing with the medicine. Not being a medical professional I really don't even know if medicine was all that helpful, but it did calm him somewhat and we did see some happiness from him. When his mother removed all the medicine we seed a troubled teen go from (tolerable bad) to worse. Where I don't feel safe in my home at all. This is my husband’s fear of her inability to parent him correctly.

I have gone through many years of physical and emotional abuse from him so when he leaves it is a tremendous relief. His father on the other hand worries endlessly because of his ex wife's parenting abilities (very poor) He thinks that she will only hold him back rather than trying to get him to succeed. Every parent’s desire.

Although my husband loves his son unconditionally he enables his bad behavior through his own emotional ties. The son has learned in a very large way how to manipulate his dad. Just this week we called the police on him twice because of his irate behavior. He uses such horrible language and screams and throws things around to get what he wants. Even though we would love to give him what he wants, morally we can't. He wants permission to have sex with his 14 or 15 year old girlfriend. Which we have thrown in the towel with that because the biological mom allows that sort of thing, and the girlfriend’s mom obviously don't mind either because she has allowed him to spend the night with her. The saying don't try to fight a battle you can't win, well that is where we are on that one.

We walk on egg shells wondering when he will strike out. As I said prior I am victim of domestic violence from his assaults he has punched me in the face knocked me down the stairs, choked me nearly to passing out and because I didn't have the mental strength of my own I didn't call the law, and of course neither did his dad. All this I am ashamed of but I am going on with my life I feel stronger now than ever and believe it or not I am always looking for ways to try to get him the help he needs. He was put on probation two times for the smaller attacks on me.

My Out-of-Control Stepson

13.5.10

Son has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCD...

I'm searching for help with my 14 year old son. He has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCD. He takes Lexapro and is in counseling. He has had suicidal thoughts. His birth father was murdered while I was pregnant. I remarried and since have been divorced. My ex-spouse was physically abusive with him. A line on your site hit home with me..."I’m tired of seeing teenagers ruined because they just can’t be controlled." I honestly feel like a failure-I've lost control. I came from a strong, supportive, and loving family and not in a million years did I think I would be in this position. My faith is that my son does want a better life and doesn't want all the fighting, but it's like we are in some horrible cycle. My toughest parenting challenge is that he doesn't respect me and has an overall negative attitude. Talking back and not doing what I ask of him around the house. He is failing some classes in school.

My Out-of-Control Teen

7.5.10

I am past the point of behavior management...

I am past the point of behavior management. I need to take him somewhere for treatment, cannot afford the cost of boot camp but do have insurance. He is disrupting the household which is just me and his younger brother. His father died 31/2 years ago but his behavior preceded that. He is defiant, manipulative, disrespectful toward all authority, he is seductive, manipulative and physically aggressive as he cannot manage his rage, which flips on and off like a switch. I do not know where to turn. I’ve tried therapy, had him hospitalized for depressive comments, taken away his toys. I am scared for him and running out of emotional energy myself.

My Out-of-Control Child

ODD Son

I have a 16 yr old son, about to be 17 next month, who has been difficult all his life, more so in the past couple of years and extremely in the past 6 months. He started using marijuana last year in Sept for approx 2 months. Then in February this year he used the 'legal high' Mephedrone for 10 days. He has been clean since, but his behaviour has been unbelievable, and I am at my wits end.

A week ago, after my son physically threatened me, my home and stole my purse I called the police, and told him not to come back! He went to stay with his girlfriend and her family, which put their whole family under enormous strain. My doctor told me, after I wanted him to 'commit' my son, that he believed Christopher has Teenage Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Sadly I didn't google it, which I have done now, so my son came home on Tuesday this week, but was withdrawn and yesterday (with no provocation) he packed his bags, after selling some of his own belongings on ebay, and left again - destination unknown. I tried to reason with him, told him I would help get his own place so he had a roof over his head, etc, etc, to no avail.

Obviously I am distraught - he is not a street savvy boy and with only £200 in his pocket, his education suspended, where will he end up? On the other hand I have had enough - I am at breaking point and this is putting a lot of strain on my second marriage (Christophe's father and & I are divorced) and all our children (Collectively). Christopher displays all the 'typical' behaviour associated with this 'disorder'.

I might add that here in the UK there is very little support, if any, and I am surprised my doctor even knew about this disorder, as the counsellors we have been using seemed surprised to hear about it yesterday!

My Out-of-Control Child