Online Parent Support Chat

28.10.10

I am at wits ends with my teenage boy...

i am at wits ends with my teenage boy... he nearly 17... has been let down in every way from my choices with men.. he doesnt really have amale role mopdel and i cant give him the one thing he screaming out for... his father... my boy pierce has a very big heart an puts on big front but deep down has alot of emotional issues, we clash, i try everything, i am on my own at moment an for the past 3 years lived with my older parents and my daughter his half sister who is 3 an half... i also a shift worker working 2 days 2 nights 4 off, hence livin with my parents for help with the kids... we moving into our own place come xmas me thinkin this will give him more independance and us 3 a bit of freedom and time together, but tonight i read his facebook wall and it really disturbing...brought tears to my eyes.. ever since i split with my daughters dad back in 2007 when she 8months ive had hell with him even phone calls from school every week he was in private catholic school and i cried many times on their shoulders to no avail, even after constant asking of help with this boy or maybe programs we could do together or big brother programs or somethin, after 2 years of no answers an no help from school my mum got involved and they sent him to school counsellor every week but this didnt help much, he is a gorgeous boy seriously deep down best big brother but they do fight, he was close with my daughters dad as he long time family friend, there is so much that has happened that really cant write it all down, me an him very similar prob why we clash, i get so frustrated with him that yell an shout at him but he alwasy gotta have last say, always someone else fault , even now that he at different school, he is very immature nearly 17 year old, just wanting people to like him, but doesnt have many friends, i worry constantly, but can see why no one wants to be his friends he annoys the livin shit out you, i cant sometimes more often lately even stand it when he opens his mouth, tried so many things with him so have my parents, his father never really been part of his life only when he felt like it, hit n miss an he did more damage than good, his father very immature 40 year old that will never grow up... he got married last year to girlfriend he'd been with since pierce was 2 an i never had problem with it, they have 2 girls 11 and 9 i think he never had much to do with em, all pierce ever wanted was his dad, his dad was a part of his life on an off when i fell pregnant with my daughter all was fine and his dad asked if he'd be his best man, he was so excited, then i had abbey 1st day of high school for him in year 8 2007, and his father got the shits on again for some reason we never could understand why but he did and my daughters dad after lots of discussion wanted to adopt pierce, i asked pierce's dad if he'd agree as he didnt give shit about him anyways never paid child support, we never mentioned it to pierce as wanted to speak to his dad first, his father hit the roof and said he wouldnt or if pierce wanted this then he wouldnt have 2 sisters a cousin liam who has always been close to an was the only one a constant part of pierce's life.. so we decided to drop it an not say anything to pierce to spare him the hurt, but that easter he was liam and decided without me knowin to suprise his dad an go see him, his father told him what i had asked and then spend 10 mins with him an left to go the local TAB an didnt come back while pierce was there, he confronted me about it and in end wanted tony to adopt him, he was so hurt but never talked bout alwasy on the defencive when mentioning his father, always sticking up for him, we have always tried sparing pierce the hurt from his dad and his parents, never ever bad mouthed his dad as my biggest fear was to loose him to his father as a teenager, to someone that couldnt so much as a phone 2 or 3 times a year, when he was younger 10 11 an 12 maybe he'd want to ring his dad, quite often his father not home an not return his phone calls, then would call months later and i'd have an arguement with him over it and his reply would be well the little fuck doesnt call me or come see me only when he wants something, it broke my heart as he couldnt see the only thing he wanted was him... now that hes' older i dont shield him from my feelings towards his dad for the way he treats him, but he still will stick up for him, and then not want to talk bout it... pierce has alot of attitude and its in every way he talks to everyone, always, then we all end up arguing.. he not got anger issues to the point he will get into fights or anythin, his mouth gets him into trouble , from years of bullying but try explaing to him what he does with his mouth his still bullyin, its emotional, not physical abuse, he's a big boy 6 ft and prob bout 90 kilos solid little shit not fat stocky with tree trunks for legs very good aussie rules footballer an could go long way with it and is very passionate about it but playing football in a town were his dad once played and everyone knows him but pierce, and the attitude pierce has people often tell him " your just like ya father"... !!! when he clashes with older people my age that are coaches and stuff.... when i split with tony he blamed me and had alot of anger towards me cos he'd left.... thats when we started havin attitude and behavioural problems pretty much for the last 3 years have good patches and to all my friends etc etc they think he's wonderful, he bahves is polite etc etc,, very cocky but my friends an family understand whats gone on in last 16 years pretty much they dont discuss with him but always take interest with him an take him places etc etc spend time with him... i'm a pretty down to earth person an try to be new age mum as i cant an wont tell him he cant do something cos ive probably done it myself and ive always been very open an honest when talking bout drugs alcohol and he gets to have a few beers an stuff i try working with him but then give him an inch he take a mile, i so worried he gonna get no where in life as he be in year 12 next year the last year of school, and really he's just waisting my time time and money and his own, he has so much to offer he has big heart very caring very lovin very emotionall side to him, if he'd just grow up and i always say it to him just think before ya speak....cos i swear he actin like he has lost every brain cell....at moment.... i just no what to do it is very hard cos of my work and little one and it only being us an my parents which i clash with to, and the constant struggle, he works only 3 or 4 hours a week and acts like im sendind him off to prison for life every week we argue bout him working couple hours he just wants it all handed to him cos all his mates give him shit or dont have to work, but my kids only got me an i support him every other way with money sports clothes tryin to give him things but everything i can, tryiny to be everything for him and abbey, but i cant give him the one thing he wants and so desperately needs which is father or a role model my dads 61 and an my dad is his ali, always sticking up for him, but pierce plays us all off against each other so cause tension for everyone, and when he starts carrying on with attitude and his mouth we all cant take it... no one for him to talk teenage boy stuff with, girl stuff, all the stuff he wants to babble on about... he doesnt no how to have civilised conversation sensibly always ends up with him bein childish and idoit talk... im really at wits ends with him i have tried everything bein cool mum, bein tuff, bein carin, bein supportive, treid counselling tried teen camp projects, pretty much gone broke trying everything on our own because wherever we asked for help even with child welfare, governments etc etc everyone would say we dont know how we can help,,,, i pretty much at witts ends and rang welfare to come get him or they'd have blood on their hands, cos i couldnt do it anymore after 2 years of no one wanting to help me, i was screaming foir help, to the point i was put on anti depressants and hospilised, it all became to much dealing with a baby, relationship breakdown, a baby, and i not very open person was dealing with it on my own, keepin it my myself until pretty much i couldnt anymore and my mum stepped in and 6 months of her on phone, internet everything she could think of no one still willing to help.... he not a kid walking the streets, getting into strife like alot of kids his age in this town, not into drugs, and bad in those ways, still plays an loves his sports, haved taken mobile of him amny times and computer and his sports sometimes then he comes good for bit, then back into old ways, i have very heartbreaking and disturbing messages on both phone and his facebook when have had access and this is really starting to worry me cos i dont no where to turn or do with a teenage boy, everything i have trued has failed him.... im so angry and wild at moment with him and hurt but refrainin from speakin to him right at this time as he gone to school and i hope i can be more calm without loosing it with him when he gets home.... can you help us... ? sorry bout the long letter have been up all night with no sleep now and so tried of searching internet.... have spent many many days scouting threw sights..... would love to maybe find a big brother program or something in australia but not alot of options ere...really frustrating... even for us both to go together or something.... anything...read books got him to read books, it not working..... bloody teenage boys i remember at school at that age i hated them they were so annoying an immature but never as bad as pierce is.

My Out-of-Control Teen

22.10.10

My home is a war zone...

My name is Kathy and I am the Step Mother of two teenage boys here in Cos Cob, CT (Greenwich). Tommy is 16 years old and James is 13 years old.

In June 2003 their Mother died of a drug overdose. Tom and I started to date 5 months later. This is my first marriage and I have no biological children.

My husband, Tom and I got married in July 2004 (one year after the death of his wife).

Both boys are opposite in personality and have each their own set of issues. Both are in private schools, have been to therapy and don’t like it and don’t want to change or open up. Both DO NOT GET ALONG WITH EACH OTHER AT ALL. In fact, I have rarely seen them ever enjoy each other’s company.

James is the one that I am having most issues with now.

Example:

If I tell James to turn off the television 2 times and he doesn’t hear me I go over and turn the TV off myself and he goes berserk. Yelling and screaming at me and telling me he hates my guts, I ruined his life and that I should go to Hexx. (Can’t spell out bad language). How I handle this is: I don’t talk to James or drive him around to social events, I completely ignore him. Then he goes out of his way to be nice to me and then we are somewhat friends and there is a calmness. Then the pattern just repeats itself, so presently I am NOT talking to him. After the event happened and I saw my husband at the football field 10 minutes later I started yelling at my husband because of this, and my husband wasn’t there when the episode happened. My husband doesn’t deserve to get yelled at by surprise. I am actually ashamed of myself and disappointed that I could behave in a manner like that when I actually thought I had control over my emotions.

At the end of the School Year in June 2010, James was sent home from a sailing trip with his school because he had punched one of the tour guides in the stomach, out of the blue, for no apparent reason. He also was sexting (sending inappropriate text messages) to some of the girls on the trip and they were very upset. The School director has since printed those inappropriate messages and they are on school record. James denied everything until 5 teachers confronted him round table in a meeting attended by all of us. He grudgingly apologized and really didn’t believe 100% that he did anything wrong or that he deserved to be sent home. I also put him in front of a psychiatrist and a therapist, and they showed real concern that he denied everything. But there is nothing they can do if he doesn’t tell the truth. We begged him to come clean and to be honest with himself and he won’t get in trouble for being honest. Still he lied.

My home is a war zone. If I am not in a fight with both boys, my husband is. The only calmness I get is no talking.

We are a Catholic Family, we go to Church every Sunday, we go to confession once a month, we pray the rosary, and there is definitely cursing that goes on in this house, despite all of that. I organized a public rosary rally last Saturday and am involved with the Catholic Youth Group in our Church every Thursday and Tommy, 16 year old attends.

My Out-of-Control Teen

6.10.10

She gets annoyed and refuses to talk...

I have a daughter who is 14 years old. She has stopped studying and refuses to listen to us parents. She went out with friends a few times (5 -6 times) but later we found out that she had been to the disco theatre and has been telling lies to us about many things.

She gets annoyed and refuses to talk to us (her parents)

The background is that I her mother I feel have been harassing her for being naughty and not studying, and in the home front also my husband and me had many arguments almost every day.

I am now worried and do not know how to make her open up and talk to us and tell us her problem. I am just worried that this problem of hers might land her up in serious problem and with the wrong friends who might take advantage of her situation now. She feels that she can do anything and I feel that there are friends who are encouraging her but do not know how to go about finding this out

I have been worried and have not been able to sleep well recently.

My Out-of-Control Daughter