My daughter is 13 years old, and she is very over-indulged and defiant with many of the signs and manifestations described in your eBook.
I have decided to talk to her about setting the rules and establishing consequences (which is a totally unknown concept to her at home with her parents and grandparents, although her behaviour has been acceptable at school, at friends', etc.). I have discussed this with my daughter's mother and grandmother (who is staying at the same house long-term), and they have supported me with this decision though expressing doubts if we are capable of carrying this project through.
I thought I was prepared for an aggressive and angry reaction to the attempted conversation, however I greatly underestimated the intensity of it. After my few words that we wanted to talk to her about how adults co-exist with each other, she refused talking or even listening to me, and burst into rage crying and shouting for hours that she hates me, wants to kill me and wants me dead.
Please note that the rules which I want to implement are the following:
- to stop shouting at her parents and grandparents when she is just tired, in a bad mood or frustrated by something trivial;
- to stop using phrases like "hate you" and "go away" in relation to her parents and grandparents;
- to stop slamming doors,
- to stop throwing things.
I told her that I was not going to argue with her and will continue the conversation when she cools down after a time out. She did not stop crying and shouting for a number of hours with short breaks. I decided to give her till next day before making an attempt to follow your suggestion on talking in the form:
"When it was repeatedly proclaimed that I was wanted to be killed and dead, I felt it was not acceptable for all of us because such proclamations may be interpreted as a criminal offence with a possible jail term. I'd rather you not say that but talk with me about how we deal with our situation." (or something like this).
At night (when she for many hours had stopped crying and shouting and was sulking in her room with her laptop and her TV) I knocked on her door to say good night and that I loved her. In return I received "Go away, I do not love you".
I do not see how we will be able to sit down and talk even after a very long time out of a few days. I still plan to try to say the above along the lines "When it was.... I felt...... I'd rather......", but do not have big hopes that it will work. I think more anger and insults are more likely.
On page 17 of your eBook you note:
"If you and your out-of-control teen are having difficulty with a few ground rules, then it may be time to sit down together to negotiate limits and expectations."
I do not see how to achieve a simple first step of sitting down and talking with my daughter about limits and expectations when she actively and aggressively refuses to do that and deliberately filters out whatever I have to say with my best poker face.
What can I do in such a situation?
I am thinking of still announcing to her what I have to say about her proclamations of hate and desire to see me dead, even if only in a monologue form. And then following up with an announcement that if she repeats those or similar words, there will be consequences in the form of taking her laptop away for 3 days. And then following it up with actually taking the laptop away when she does (and I expect she will repeat those words in order to express her anger as well as to test my threat).
However, my concern is that she is more likely to increase her degree of rebellion and defiance, while at the same time trying to rely on alternatives, such as another computer in the house (we have 3 more computers besides her laptop and including a desktop which is normally accessible by anyone and used mostly by her grandmother) or other means of entertainment and communications. Will I have to take all of them away one by one or all of them in one go?
To follow your suggestion on breaking the dependency cycle and fostering self-reliance, I might need to start taking away more things and freedoms, such as:
things: laptop, access to Internet, ipod, mobile phone, TV in her room, DVD-player in her room, cable TV, door to her room, etc.;
freedoms: going to shops, movies and other entertainment venues, having her girlfriends on sleepovers and visiting her girlfriends, studying in a private school with her friends, trips and travelling, etc.
However, I need your advice on how to talk to my daughter and have a fair fighting when she bluntly denies any possibility of a conversation or of even talking to her.
And what shall I be prepared to do if all the above fails? Shall I consider enrolling her in a boarding school and sending her away against her will (and most likely breaking hearts of her mother and grandmother by doing so)? Something else?
My Out-of-Control Teen
Online Parent Support Chat
Australia Thu 23:15 Hi Mark, I suppose what I'm really asking is at what point should we go and get our under age daughter and bring her home or is that the wrong strategy - should we wait for her to return - we are feeling pretty out of control at this point? Thanks I'm in need of specific actions please.
Mark Fri 8:39 Try to get word to her that she is welcome to come home - but that there will be a house-rules contract she'll need to sign-off on.
Mark Fri 8:40 How to Create a "House Rules" Contract ...click ==> http://myoutofcontrolt...rulescontract.html
Julie Kennedy, Psy.D. Fri 8:42 Teen Anger-Management Problems ...click ==> http://myoutofcontrolteen.com/mr-IED.html
Australia Fri 8:48 thank you
Mark Fri 12:53 Living with an Aspergers Partner ...click ==> http://www.myoutofcont...thAspergersPartner
How can I communicate with my teenager?
Mark Mon 9:12 To User 325: I've responded to your inquiry here ...click ==> http://myoutofcontrolt...ng-with-teens.html
Julie Kennedy, Psy.D. Mon 9:14 Your older teenager or young “adult child” isn’t sure what to do, and he is asking you for money every few days. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? If you have an older Aspergers teenager who has no clue where he is going in life, or if you have an adult Aspergers child still living at home (in his early 20s or beyond), then this will be the most important letter you will ever read...
Julie Kennedy, Psy.D. Mon 9:14 Click here ==> http://myoutofcontrolt...ren-Aspergers.html
David McLaughlin, MD Tue 12:27 Here you will find information on understanding learning disabilities, negotiating the special education process and helping your child and yourself... click ==> http://myoutofcontrolteen.com/mr-ld.html
User 66 Wed 10:22 Mark, We caught our son in a lie regarding money that was taken from a drawer in our bedroom. What is the best discipline for this? Thanks, A.C.
Mark Wed 10:23 To User 66: I've responded to your inquiry here ...click ==> http://myoutofcontrolteen.com/lying.html
Julie Kennedy, Psy.D. Thu 10:00 Happy Thanksgiving!
David McLaughlin, MD Fri 14:09 Psychiatric Medication for ADHD, Autism, Conduct Disorder & Oppositional Defiant Disorder ...click ==> http://myoutofcontrolteen.com/mr-meds.html
Mark Sat 9:23 Parental Control Software ...click ==> http://myoutofcontrolteen.com/mr-PCS.html
Julie Kennedy, Psy.D. Sun 10:16 Receive FREE Weekly Newsletters About "Parenting Out-of-Control Children & Teens" Click here ==> http://myoutofcontrolt...rt-Newsletter.html
User 119 Mon 9:50 Are there some children -- or parents for that matter -- that are just plain "bad"?
Mark Mon 9:51 I've responded to your inquiry here ...click ==> http://myoutofcontrolt...entchildmyths.html
User 202 Tue 11:00 My child was recently diagnosed with ODD and ADHD... do you have any suggestions on what I can do as his mother?
David McLaughlin, MD Tue 11:01 ODD is a psychiatric disorder that is characterized by two different sets of problems. These are aggressiveness and a tendency to purposefully bother and irritate others. It is often the reason that people seek treatment. When ODD is present with ADHD, depression, tourette's, anxiety disorders, or other neuropsychiatric disorders, it makes life with that child far more difficult. For Example, ADHD plus ODD is much worse than ADHD alone, often enough to make people seek treatment.
David McLaughlin, MD Tue 11:01 Click here for more info ==> http://myoutofcontrolteen.com/oddreport1.html
Julie Kennedy, Psy.D. Wed 8:52 Parenting Tips & Tricks ...click ==> http://myoutofcontrolteen.com/tricks.html
Mark Thu 15:14 PDF Library for Moms & Dads ...click ==> http://myoutofcontrolt...ng-PDFlibrary.html
User 272 Fri 8:43 "My daughter has a few friends who have experimented with alcohol. How can I keep her from seeing these friends, and what should I do if she comes home drunk?"
Mark Fri 8:43 I've responded to your inquiry here ==> http://myoutofcontrolteen.com/q-a.html
delisa hall Sat 21:03 hi mark I was wondering if you could tell me if psychotherapy is an effective method for treating ODD? also about how many children have been successfully treated with the usage of psychotherapy? when were noticeable changes made( after how many sessions) also was the treatment more effective when parents were a part of the treatment process( they were involved in therapy as well)? what types of changes are made when psychotherapy is used( attitude, grades, communication, etc..)? thank you!
delisa hall Sat 21:07 how many sessions of psychotherapy do most children need before measured success can be obtained
delisa hall Sat 21:09 how do teachers play a role in the picture to yield effectiveness and success?
ShellyinOC Sun 3:57 My daughter got a tattoo without me knowing & she is being very disrespectful to me in the way she talks to me. I'm a single mom (newly divorced) & she is currently in online schooling due to her having some major issues in public school last year. She lives with her grandma during the week, so she can be with her during the day since I work full time. She comes home during the weekends & I see her every Wednesday night. I don't know what to do with her...?
ShellyinOC Sun 4:01 I know she wants to be back home with me, but she is consistently showing me she's irresponsible (tattoo, poor grades)...if I let her back home, she would think that she's "won" in the situation. I can allow her back into a public school, but I have a feeling the same issues will happen all over again. Should I just let her come back home, and basically just let her "live her life" and not worry about it, or should I put even more restrictions on her because of her recent behavior?
User 358 Sun 6:27 Hi, I have a son (19) who has a recent girlfriend and has begun staying out all night. I asked him yesterday before he left NOT to stay out all night tonight. Well... yet, again, he is still not home and this time did not leave me a message/call to let me know. I am at a loss at to what natural consequence/punishment I should use for him. Any ideas? Thank you!
Mark Sun 13:55 To delisa: Here's info on ODD ...click ==> http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/oddreport1
Mark Sun 13:57 To Shelly: I would have her come back home ...the two of you start over using the strategies outlined in the "My Out-of-Control Teen" eBook, which you can download here ...click ==> http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl
Mark Sun 13:59 To User 358: Please refer to the following article ...click ==> http://www.onlineparen...iving-at-home.html