Online Parent Support Chat

27.6.12

Relationship Problems With Aspergers Men

My Aspergers man and I met about a year and a half ago and it was pretty much love at first sight, actually a bit more on his part than mine. He soon became my best friend and total advocate in an unfair employment situation. He was totally supportive of me and loving. The problem that quickly arose, however, was that prior to having sex with him, I asked that he undergo a STD panel. I am an RN and was a wellness coach, with that being important to me. He was totally on board with that request, but we were both surprised when his results came back as positive for genital herpes, HSV2. I was negative. His behavior at this point was more than commendable. He insisted that I be totally protected and contacted his exes to inform them of his results …who could not admire that ethical consideration? He was very protective of me and we both did research on the particulars of this viral disease. As it turned out, this is a very odd virus, with the ability to detect it in the blood being developed only recently...prior to that, it required that a person be symptomatic with the lesion being cultured. As stated, recently, with the availability of a blood test to detect antibodies, it seems that there are suddenly a number of people, especially baby boomers (I am 56, he is 58) that have been totally asymptomatic, yet are infected. Condoms have a miserable failure rate, with a woman still able to acquire it at a rate of 40% per year, even with condoms! On top of it, during asymptomatic "shedding", the virus still can be transmitted through kissing or even touch, in the fingertips! Totally unlike any virus that I have ever studied!

Yet he was very considerate, not wanting to take that risk. Thus, the end result at that time last year was that we both decided that we should not risk me getting it, as it does have potential complications, unless we were going to be in a lifelong, committed relationship. Therefore, about a year ago, he actually proposed. His proposal I was touching and induced tears in me, but my answer was yes. Yet due to the Aspie thing of not coping with stress well, the first time he became stressed, due to only one small thing on my part by accidently losing the key to his car, we broke up. Yet he remained my best friend. Again, last fall, we tried it, only the same thing happened... as he stated, primarily due to stress about his job. He is an electrical engineer...brilliant in his own way...yet totally lacking common sense. I was always very loving toward him, which he has always freely admitted.

On Easter this year, he came to see me after I told him I had acquired a Fender guitar like the one I had as a teen, and a tube amp. He is an incredibly gifted musician on many levels… yet has chosen to hang out with musicians who are far less capable than he is, which I always attributed to his need to feel important, especially as he told me of the bullying he underwent in Jr. High and High School. Understandable. Anyway, we both asked ourselves why we weren't together, which seemed to be a legit question. And so we began again. However, this time, an issue which had been only relatively mild in the past took center stage. There is a woman named Zirah (or renamed, by herself) whom Russell has been obsessed with since she was 19 years old and he was 25 years old. Now, she is dying of bladder cancer due to smoking and a history of STDs, having slept with over 100 men, per Russ. He states he is not attracted to her, understandably, as she is missing teeth and weighs a mere 98 pounds, has a history of positive Hep B and C and probably HIV, as well. He says she treats her dog and kids horrible, yelling at them all the time. As she does him, when he brings her food...such as ice cream, etc. He is stuck in this unbelievable course of being nurturing to her despite how she treats him, telling others that he is "creepy" and "a stalker" to her. Yet he persists, while admitting that his obsession makes no sense.

In the meantime, this April, due partly to the HSV2 situation, he again proposed to me...although later stating he was under pressure to do so. I told him that he needed first to get the Zirah obsession dealt with. We spent an entire day talking about it with him agreeing with me totally that it was destructive for him, that he suffered only harm from it (he says he lost a half million dollars in his divorce due to her, though he's never even slept with her! He says he finds her unattractive...believable!) In the end, he said he could be committed, yet what he didn't get was that to me it wasn't just in a sexual sense, as he thought, but in all of the caring things he did for her. What hurt was that he did not do those same caring behaviors towards me. In the end, we broke it off in May, due to this reason...which his ex girlfriends and daughter supported me in, telling him he was wrong in his actions of putting the priority on her and not on me.

Yet, after that, though we did reach a place of forgiveness and he actually did drive me home and take care of me after an outpatient shoulder surgery, I learned that he had made some totally illogical conclusions with the "story" surrounding our breakup and actually ended up telling his daughter and friends that I must have had something to do with his car breakdown and even worse and totally crazy, the death of my prior boyfriend's 20 year old son. Nothing could have been further from the truth as Dennis, my ex's son, and I were very close and I was in deep grief the day I learned of his death. To me, this told me that Russ had NO idea of who I truly am, despite him saying that I was the most loving and caring person he'd ever met. His daughter and I had had such a close relationship that she asked me to take care of her cats, not her dad whom she didn't trust to do so well, while she and her boyfriend went on a cruise last month. Yet somehow, Russ convinced her that his totally illogical conclusion could have been possibly fact, therefore alienating her from me, a bit.

A situation happened on Father's Day, which was insane. I started the day with giving Russ a card about his good traits as a dad, played him  6 songs, like "Leader of the Band" to start ...fixed brunch...with my first question being what he had planned with Kate for the day. He replied that she was going to take him to dinner. He sounded sure of this plan, so when he didn't know the answer that I asked as to specifics, I figured they would talk later and figure it out. As it turned out, Kate had called around noon, but Russ had left his phone upstairs at my house and didn't check it. Later we took a nap and it wasn't until mid afternoon that he realized he had texts from her. This was a side of Kate I had not seen....she was very hostile, with about a dozen texts telling him what a shitty dad he was and how she was disowning him, etc. I could understand her frustration, but didn't agree with what she stated, as I perceived that to be overboard. He looked totally downtrodden, to say the least so I asked if it would help if I texted her and/or called her. He said yes, so I did. No reply to either of us. Finally she told her dad that she would talk with him later when he was home, which I encouraged him to do, asap. And asked that he would call to let me know what happened/

Long story short, I finally called him and he sounded extremely depressed, saying that she meant what she had said and was on her way to pick up the cat from him that she had given him because he couldn't take good care of her. All of a sudden, I was disconnected and could not reach him again. An hour and a half later, I drove to his apt with him not answering the door. His convertible was there with the top down, not what he usually does, and his phone could be heard ringing. After a time, I decided to do what I would do if this was a patient of mine and called 911. The police were in agreement that the situation was odd and obtained an order to call the mgmt. of the apts. to open the door. He was not inside... and they waited quite awhile to see if he was maybe walking and suggested I just stay and wait. They were concerned and asked me to file a missing persons report. I waited and it was quite awhile later that he actually did come back. As it turned out, Kate and he had, at least temporarily made up, without him telling me and went to dinner, along with her boyfriend. Somehow, though, he decided, due to wrong assumptions, that I was stalking him (though I never even went inside his apt.) and told Kate and Ben, her boyfriend, so...along with other illogical assumptions, that made them recommend to him that he get a restraining order against me! I had never done one single thing that wasn't loving or caring… and normal. Prior to this, Kate and I had gotten along beautifully, with her sending me a very compassionate email at our engagement breakup, stating that her dad just "doesn't get emotions" and telling me that I was a beautiful woman who deserved the best, with her apologizing for his actions. The conclusions he drew were TOTALLY illogical and since then, he has sent me an email telling me not to contact him for a month, until his birthday, oddly enough... I had sent an email to Kate and her only response was that she didn't think I was a "monster", just that our relationship was unhealthy. In one way, I agree with her... because of him being an undiagnosed, but very valid, "Aspie" and I do see that being an RN, my nature is to be too codependent, helping him more than I should, though trying to get through this part of the "Aspie" diagnosis. I had thought we were making progress. I had bought 5 books and we were both reading it, with the time we spent after my shoulder surgery being much more healthy and better in all ways than previously.

I am now, however, horrified at the situation and how in the world it could have all been turned around so destructively, with not only Russ and I, but with his family and friends as well. I haven't really seen this addressed too much in the Asperger's adult discussions. Thus, I am turning to you, as the expert, to ask for your advice. Perhaps you address situations such as this in your book, perhaps not. To complicate matters a bit, I did truly view him as my best friend and advocate, above all else. And I have lost that, as well as him being my fiancé' and lover. Obviously, I am grieving and am also confused to a degree, no matter how much I have read to try to understand this dynamic.

The crux of the matter is the "mind blindness" but on top of that he takes totally unrelated, irrelevant pieces of information and draws a TOTALLY illogical conclusion. Then this affects not only his actions, but now the advice he is taking from his daughter and friends, whom have been given absolutely WRONG information. I have no idea how to correct this now, given that he has asked me not to communicate with his daughter or him, for a month. I am trying to get through this by writing out my perspectives, etc. in Word documents, not knowing if I will even have the chance later to share them with him or with her.

If this seems obsessive, perhaps it is, but I hate, above all things...and he knows this well... to be portrayed as a different person than I am. And this is EXTREME!! And I admit, to also, totally disliking lack of closure. I am just not sure how to get through this in a constructive way, though I am trying my best to do so. But there is always the analysis and trying to understand this whole "Aspie" dynamic, as I feel like I have, but not really to this degree or in this way. Again, I just haven't seen an issue like this addressed and am hoping that you have answers that I've not yet seen. Again, the factor of him being what I regarded as my truest, best friend further complicates the situation and just makes it hurt all the more.

MyAspergersChild.com